stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1478
Loc: Texas
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Where is all your anger comming from ?
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It's called reality. As fair as this country is supposed to work, women/mothers are given a 90yd head start in a the 100yd "race" known as Family Law. Women are given custody in 85-95% of the cases (depending which study you read), and their voice alone is given more credence than a mans in court. For example, all she would need to do is claim you have sexually molested you child(ren), and your life will become a living hell, regardless that it's a lie. And, if found to be a lie (sometimes years and $1,000's of court costs later), she will get no punishment, while you will have already had a red mark against your name that will take years and more money to rub off (altho it will never really go away).
Tread softly and ask for what's fair.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4839
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Wow, what did you think was angry there? It's reality. Women need to learn it, and so do men. Divorce means that the things you once had now need to be split in half. You cannot split your children in half, but you can split thier time, it's only fair. And many people can not truly live on half (some just can't envision living on half), but unless they find a way to increase the joint funds available, half is the MOSt that's available.
I'm not angry at all. But am curious about which part of what I had to say was most troublesome to you? We might be able to help you find answers to parts of this equation if you can pinpoint your biggest worries.
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allthumbs
Platinum
Reged: 07/12/07
Posts: 371
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Yeah, I didn't hear any anger in there. What's up with that guy/gal anyway? GiGi, I thought your answer was exactly correct. The stay at home dad MIGHT get support for longer than a few years and MIGHT get primary residency IF the mom decides to move out of town ( the kids need stability in school and with their home and friends ) but those are just possibilities to discuss. As Gigi said, if the dad asks for what is legal and fair, it should go well for him.
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EZmark
Platinum
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 292
Loc: Florida
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Don't give her more than 40% custody on paper unless she is willing to give you long term and more alimony. Get it on paper asap. Ask for what is fair and you will get less than what is fair. Ask for the most you can get WITHOUT BEING UNREASONABLE and you might get what is fair. 70-30 is not unreasonable and granted way more often than 50-50. Sole custody is unreasonable and you don't sound like you want that. Most women expect lifetime alimony for a twenty year marriage, you have given up much career opportunity to enable her to galavant off at this point and +50 is not goingto be easy to find entry level job paying much. Asking for permanent AND rehabilitative alimony is not unreasonable. If you can prove being the defacto primary you have nothing to worry about. As soon as she can no longer manipulate you she may turn very vindictive so file asap. If she gets you off on the wrong foot in family court you will never recover, just get stuck trying to prove you're innocent. All she has to say is she "feels threatened" and you are out of there. File first and you can get an emergency hearing for the kids benefit in ten days, even ex-parte without her attendance if necessary. Best would be to file and have the process server call her and meet her to give her the papers without embrassment. Thirty days later she's setting up her own apartment replete with waterbed and oils, she'll get over some anger and might even be cooperative if new BF comes around.
Don't doddle. Ask the lawyers if they have gotten any fathers custody, how, and how they would do so for you. Did you check www.martindale.com? Use your credit cards to hire the best, all that will be paid for by her. Don't pay attention to "do what's right", "what's best for the kids". The court does not do the fair or right thing, it is a court of law not justice. Many will not grant 50-50 despite both parties wanting it. Only you know what is right and best for the kids and these kinds are things used to wear you down and convince you to agree to things that are not right for you and not best for you, or the kids. Write down the ?s you want answered so you can rattle them off in five minutes and get on the telephone tomorrow.
The courts view: You are lazy and did not do what a man should, support your family. You have possibly inappropriately handled the children, why else would you want to have them. You are not as equipped as a mother to parent, and not as financially able to support them as the heroic breadwinner and child bearer. You do nothave the inherent parenting skills that a mother inherits. You can fend for yoursellf, she will need help because she will have to take care of herself and the kids. She will have big child care expenses in order to work. She serviced you and supported you for a long time. You should be allowed to visit the children on weekends and a night here and there, it willbe better for them to be with their mother. If she has a steady boyfriend that is more stability for the kids. If her job requires her to move out of state that is in the kids best interest too. It goes on and on. Scare tactics? Check the statistics. You have an opportunity here for fairness because of the length of marriage, incom disparity, and you being the SAH. You need to move quickly, get good legal help, and not make any mistakes because everything else is aginst you.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4839
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You know, EZ, most of the men I know who have primary custody got it EITHER because the mother agreed, OR because she was so much of a problem that she left them (by drugs or mental illness or something else) OR he got it after the fact, after a year or more of living with her as primary custodian proved that she was not up to the task. And this applies even to guys who styled themselves as stay-at-homes, which is rare. They often say they have internet businesses, work from home, or have some other non-9 to 5 version of a job, and because they're not earning a lot, they later call it stay-at-home parenting. Which is not to say that they were not stay-at-homes, just that while the marriage was going well, they didn't want to admit it. For the most part, their egos prevented them from being willing to call themselves "Mr. Mom". Unlike the soccer moms who proudly proclaim their "choice" to stay home (whether or not thier husbands were privately, behind the scenes, trying to get them to go back to work and help out with the budgets), the men who made that choice seemed more to slid into it, unintentionally.
I'm not saying that's always the case, and may not be with this original poster, but it's what I've seen.
And with this general situation, the judges will TREAT him like a guy who is... well, as some of them describe themselves... "between jobs"... perpetually and without his wife's agreement, sometimes.
I'm offended that the judges don't treat women the same way, but that's the way it is.
Now I HOPE we all can say that a 50-50 split of assets and kid time is what's fair... and that he really NEEDs to get on the stick and ramp up his career so that she can spend 50% of her time with the kids... because if it was a woman SAHM and a man earning the majority of the earnings, I think most men here would say the same thing... but we may disagree as to HOW to reach that fair result.
I happen to think that with a man whose wife has already offered him 50-50 time with the kids, he'd be well-advised to jump on that and get it in writing, set in stone as soon as he could... rather than mess around with trying to get 60-40 so that he can have an advantage in child support... because I think we all know how easily a judge will shred a man and take everything away from him if the judge thinks the man is over-reaching what is FAIR. More so if the judge thinks the man is trying to manipulate what is fair regarding parenting time just so that he can get more money.
It's not fair. If a woman were in the same position, these might not be considerations we'd have to worry about... but he's a man, so he needs to think it through better so that he does not find himself losing it all in the end just because the judge thinks he's being greedy or lazy or ... well, whatever the judges think when they do these things like giving 85% of the kids' time to mothers.
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allthumbs
Platinum
Reged: 07/12/07
Posts: 371
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In CA, we have what is called physical and legal custody. These types of custodies are almost ALWAYS split equally, 50/50. That doesn't mean 50 percent equal time with each parent however. We have parental time sharing. Since the courts typically do NOT want to upset the children's routines, the court will often order the children to remain where they are and with the parent they now spend the most time with. Often, that is the mother and the typical parental share time is 80/20. This is important because this time with the children effects the child support amounts. So the spouse who is staying home wants the most time because it will mean the most CS. Then the other spouse will fight that because they also want to spend more time with their children and pay less CS. This is were family custody mediation comes into play. A spouse who is the one paying the support can often get more time by taking the children one or two evenings a week after school and more time during vacation and holidays. This never ends up as a 50/50 parental sharing; more like 70/30 perhaps. Unless both parents remain in the same city and nearby, I cannot see how a 50/50 parental sharing is good for the kids. What, spend one week at Dad's and then the next week at Mom's? And both homes would be equal? It could work but it isn't the typical arrangement.
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EZmark
Platinum
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 292
Loc: Florida
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a 50-50 split of assets and kid time is what's fair
AGREE-
we may disagree as to HOW to reach that fair result
AGREE- You just say it nicer than mean old me
wife has already offered him 50-50 time with the kids, he'd be well-advised to jump on that and get it in writing, set in stone as soon as he could... rather than mess around with trying to get 60-40
GOOD POINT - If he can get this much on paper as ASAP while she is agreeable then they can fight in court over alimony. Judges like to see partial compromises. He has a good shot at financial help through alimony, even permanent with a 20 year marriage.
Are you paying attention SAH?
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sahdad52
New
Reged: 06/28/08
Posts: 7
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Yes EZmark trying to soak up as much as I can,
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4839
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If you can get her 50-50 time with the kids offer in writing and started in the implementation, then the next hurdle is getting a plan to ramp up your career. At your age it's not easy, but you're better off than most women entering the job force for the first time in their 50s.
If you have a plan, that's a good start. Have you figured out what you want to do in order to become self-supporting, and what it's going to take to get there?
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