brokenup
Silver
Reged: 05/23/08
Posts: 50
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Tomorrow is my birthday, and my stbx told me that he wanted to go out with me and celebrate and that he was getting my presents. I told him no, that I didn't want to go out with him, actually, don't feel much like going out at all to be honest. But he cheated on me, is moving out, and is leaving me to take care of our 2 young children full time, and he thinks that I would want to do something with him? He's crazy! But after I told him all that, he told me that I was being mean about it all, and trying to be hurtful to him. He doesn't see why I can't be friends with him since we are always going to have to be in contact because of the kids. Sure, we'll have to have contact, but why does it mean we have to be friends? He has hurt me soooo much, beyond what he'll ever know, yet he thinks I am the one being "mean"??? Am I really??? I didn't think I was, but I don't know now.
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Andrea
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PainedPatty
Platinum
Reged: 01/28/08
Posts: 664
Loc: Southern California
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You're not being mean. You're being a reasonable and sensible adult and he is being a whiny brat!
Patty
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SetterMama
Platinum
Reged: 02/24/07
Posts: 808
Loc: Toronto, Ontario
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I think it's pretty common for an unfaithful spouse to downplay the impact it is having on the other spouse. I don't think you are being mean - I think you are setting boundaries.
My ex wanted us to be friends too and it didn't happen - I had to tell him a bunch of times though. He kept thinking we could just hang out while he was living with and marrying ow? I think it's how they tell themselves that it's ok and that they didn't do anything THAT bad.
Stick to your guns - you don't need to go out with him for your birthday!
Happy Birthday BTW!!!!
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He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. ~ Lau Tzu
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2128
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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first. NO it's not mean.
he's Confused!
second. if it WAS mean. oh well.
you are no longer a couple and you need to
look out for yourself. dont give him a second thought.
sorry about your divorce drama.
and
somehow, i hope, you get through your birthday.
next year will be a lot easier.
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taryn.
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col6
New
Reged: 03/12/08
Posts: 19
Loc: Central NY
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You are absolutely NOT being mean by not wanting to go out with him and "celebrate". Sounds like he has guilt over what he's done or he is so caught up in his own life that he can't understand your feelings.
It's your birthday so do what you want to do and the heck with his feelings!
By the way, happy birthday!
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sohurt
Gold
Reged: 03/14/07
Posts: 155
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You're not being mean at all. He's being selfish. He wants the best of both world.
Stick to your guns.
The Exs don't get it. Especially the cheating ones. My Ex couldn't figure out why I lost 35 pounds in a week after I found sex pics of her and her BF while she was pregnant with our daughter.
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lairdude
Platinum
Reged: 12/27/06
Posts: 268
Loc: Illinois
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Are you being mean? No! The end of the marriage is the end of the marriage. Tell him he can give you presents but he no longer has the privilege to celebrate your birthday with you. He is only doing this to assuage his guilt anyways.
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is it over
Platinum
Reged: 11/19/06
Posts: 324
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Is it mean when he puts his d*** in someone else?hmm say that everytime he says your mean... He'll be outta there in 5 seconds flat, no longer bothering you about pretend games. Sit down and tell him, I will be civil, but don't push it. Don't take advantage of my kind nature, or I will show u another side, and u won't like her.
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redchair
Gold
Reged: 06/21/08
Posts: 118
Loc: Boston
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Mean? Is he serious? That is such an absurd statement, I don't even know what to say about it.
You need to look out for you and your kids, and that is it. Him trying to make you feel bad about not wanting to hang out with him after he's cheated on you is just plain manipulative and insane.
I had a similar situation, my stbx just couldn't understand why we couldn't be in each other's lives. (I have no kids so no contact at all is an option for me.) I was just stunned by the question after his infidelity and general behavior I just sort of laughed and said "uuuuuh, no. But thanks."
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 314
Loc: New Hampshire
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I can see why he might think it was mean. He just wants to help you celebrate.
There's no problem in that, except that it'll likely be very painful for you.
Not going out with him is a way to avoid UNNECESSARY pain. For you it's a defensive measure. You have to protect yourself.
Simply telling him "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can handle that right now" should suffice. If he doesn't understand that, he's dumber than he looks.
Self-respect at this time in our lives is very precious. Guard it jealously.
Tom
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So much to forget...
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