mar08
New
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 13
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We have been married for 8years and have two kids. Since the beginning my husband has been wanting to call it quit. It’s been three times that this happens but we decide to work things out. The three times have been initiated by my husband telling me that he’s not happy with me anymore. I love him so much that I keep trying to work things out but I have given up. He obviously has been miserable for 8years of his life and I am to the point that I am willing to let him go. It’s not a good feeling to be the one that has to beg for us to stay in the relationship. This has in fact made me insecure about myself and about our relationship. Well a few days ago he told me again that he is not happy with me and he’s sure that I haven’t been happy either. This time I have made up my mind and I will not beg him to stay with me. It hurts so much but I am willing to set him free so he can be happy. He has been staying at his parent’s house for the past 2 days because I told him that I don’t want to be under the same roof as him. I don’t have a job and don’t have any family here so I’ve made up my mind to go back home but I need some time to do that. He’s rushing me to make a decision so he can come back to our house because he doesn’t want to stay at his parent’s house. Whether it’s a game or not I will be packing my bags and kids and go home to my family. Am I doing the right thing?? I still love him and it hurts but I feel it’s better to hurt now than to hurt 3 or 4 times down the road. I need some suggestions. I can’t make someone stay with me just because I want them to.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 808
Loc: NJ
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Maybe you could do a trial separation where you live back with your family. would you take your kids? Would he be OK with that? Sometimes people just need time apart to regroup. In some cases, people realize what they're missing, and in others, it makes them realize they need to be apart permanently. You probably would benefit from being around people who can support you through this. Being alone sukks.
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mar08
New
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 13
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He actually came home last night and we talked. He told me he is not in love with me anymore and told me that he's not attracted to me either. He says that I don't care about myself anymore, which is true but is that a reason to leave someone. He says all I do is complain and that makes him miserable. Over the years I've gained alot of weight and it's now that I'm doing something about it. He just says that I'm always complaining...Is this a valid reason or should I just move on...It makes me feel so bad to know that I'm not attractive.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 808
Loc: NJ
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Many times, the reasons people leave could be considered invalid. However, if they're not willing to work on the marriage (both parties need to work, not just one) then there is no use debating whether it's a valid reason. It's just their "reason."
If you're unhappy about the way you look, then you need to do something about it for YOU. not for someone else. If someone is only going to love you for the way you look, then they're shallow, and we as humans deserve more than that. If you're unhappy with your weight, why don't you join weight watchers or something? They have support groups which would be something very beneficial to you at this time.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Do you think you complain a lot? Are you complaining just to complain, or are there valid reasons? My husband told me I was miserable and complained alot too, but I feel I had valid reasons. That's a whole nother story. All I can say is I'm happier without him now. Life is much more peaceful.
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mar08
New
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 13
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Well I really do complain alot. And it's mainly lack of confidence. I am really working on this with myself but I don't think he sees that. As far as my weight I have already lost a total of 25lbs. Yes I am doing this for myself because it makes me feel better but I guess for him the 25lbs didn't come off that quick..Should this be a reason to leave someone? I've also recently graduated from college and I'm starting to look for a job but since I haven't been working consistently throught my years of being married, I feel insecure about looking for a real job if I have no experience. I'm seriously working on myself but in the process I guess I'm making him miserable. It's really all excuses. My whole life I've been put down by my family and that's probably why I don't have alot of confidence in myself. Self confidence is not something that you can develop in a day or two but I can honestly say that I'm trying to change that about me. Not for anyone else but for me.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 808
Loc: NJ
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You are at a great place in your life. You finished college. Congratulations!! You get to embark on your career. Maybe you're just not sure what you want to do. Have you tried taking any of those personality/career tests that can help you decide what kind of job would be best for you? Here's a link to some
http://jobsearch.about.com/od/careertests/Career_Tests.htm
Do you have any hobbies or interests? There is a website called meetup.com which has tons of local groups for every kind of hobby/interest imaginable. It's a great way to meet people who share your interests. It's comfortable since you already have something in common. It can be a huge confidence booster.
Being raised and told you'll never succeed is cruel. You can overcome those words by proving everyone wrong. Those were only words, and were someone's opinion. It does not make them fact. You have everything in you to succeed. Really!! even if you volunteer in the field where you'd like to work - you might meet a mentor who can take you under their wing and help push you forward. There are so many opportunities out there for people who actually want to work and make a difference in the world.
I hope you feel better soon.
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 149
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You seem to have your finger on the issue, its your confidence in yourself. I am sorry that you are going through something that makes the most confident of us have self doubts.
I don't know your husband, but I do think you are being way too understanding of him right now. When you marry someone and especially when you have kids with them you're taking on a responsibility to help grow with each other, cutting and running is not the way to do it. When you were gaining weight, was he going to the gym with you? I'm only saying this because to truly feel confident in yourself you need to like the person you are. If you rationalize and understand all his reasons for putting you through this you are basically telling yourself that you deserve it.
No you don't deserve it. He is lucky to have you. These are the things you need to start telling yourself. Become the person you want to be (not what you think he wants you to be). If you can do that then you will be stronger, and your kids will be stronger from your example. Whether your husband benefits from your self-improvement remains to be seen. It does take time, and there are set backs, just keep focusing on being the person you want to be and you will end up finding yourself surrounded by people who like you for who you are and the confidence will come.
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Decided to keep working
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mar08
New
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 13
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Thank you all for your support. It's making me feel a little better. It's so hard. Going back to my family would mean that I would also have to put up with them putting me down even more and making me look like a failure because we couldn't work things out. Financially it would be the best decision but spiritually, I don't feel like being around people that are probably going to make things worse. I have the will to overcome my insecurity and I've been listening to so many positive messages and I'm even trying to stay around positive people. Unfortunately my family is not a group of positive people and may not be the best decision. It is so hard....
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golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
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You have two kids and were going to school at the same time? How the heck did you manage to lose 25 lbs? You are amazing!!! If you can do all that, you can do just about anything.
You've just finished the tough, expensive, often dull grind of school. You are (hopefully) through those difficult and stressful toddler years. You've got serious momentum towards getting into shape (if you're not already there). The good times are just about to start rolling, and your husband wants out? Silly man! Give him a glimpse of these good times to come - you're facing big and positive life changes - hard to see why he wouldn't want to stick around for the ride - he's done the uphill part with you.
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mar08
New
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 13
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Ok. Who ever has been following my case, my husband is still living in our house but does not want to go back to me. He says we need some time apart but his time apart is us staying in the same house but not in the same room. (That is insane!!) I am loosing him…And I’m really scared. I want to keep my family together. I pray for things to get better but says he’s giving me time to work on myself. I don’t know what to do. I feel so empty.
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