lonely14
Silver
Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 90
Loc: Midwest
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Well, I have never wrote on a post before but I need some support from others that might be going thru the same thing. In a short version my story is this.. I dated my STBX for 6 years (right after I turned 21) and we had our fair share of problems then but after a year apart we got back together and I got preganet. We got married 2 years ago and our son was born 2 months after the weddding. I was not perfect (neither was he) I was so stressed from being a first time wife, mother, going back to school and starting a new job and I know I was not easy to get along with at times. He also had his problems -his fam has no contact with him and my son only met them 3 weeks ago (he is 21/2) Two easter's ago my STBX moved out when my son and I were out of town. Since our marriage he slept downstairs and wanted very little to do with me. Four months after he moved out I discovered he started sleeping with a 22 year old and 6 months later she moved in with him. I want him back so badly. My son asks for him all the time and today we went to go visit his work (we never go there) and our son started crying for his dad. STBX said he had an appotiment and guess who it was?? the girlfriend (who by the way is not cute at all..sorry had to add that) and said he had to go. I called him on his work line and I asked how it felt knowing that your son is crying in the car for you and you have an "appt" with your new girlfriend (8 years younger)? He said he didn't feel guilty at all as he spent the entire day with him and that I should get a clue how other single moms have it much worse than I do. In the back I could hear his boss yelling at me. I know it sounds crazy that I want him back but he really is the love of my life. How can he treat us this way? He sees his son maybe 5 hours a week (we live in the same town) and claims he is always busy. He has no idea how it is to be a parent that does EVERYTHING. I have no family in town and my friends are enjoying there life and say they want to help but usually back out. Any advice?? He says things to make me hang on and then the next day acts like he has no idea what I am talking about and reminds me everyday that I am the reason this marriage fell apart. Did I mention that he had/has? a drinking problem and during our first seperation slept with 3 other people?? Any advice I would appreciate. If not it was good just to vent. I don't want to talk to my family as I still am hanging on we can work it out and I don't want them to hate him anymore than they already do.
Thanks!
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It is the little things that matter the most.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3491
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First, you can't stop the divorce from happening.
Second, you are not completely to blame for the marriage falling apart. He's just as responsible for breaking up. He's just trying to alleviate his guily by putting all of the blame on you. Don't let him.
My suggestion it to get yourself into therapy to help you deal with what is going on.
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lonely14
Silver
Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 90
Loc: Midwest
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I know I can't stop the divorce but I am the one that filed ( he doesn't have the money to hire a lawyer). I did it thinking he would see the light and change his ways. I have seen a therpist. He says I need to basically "let it go" and for the most part I have. I just have days that are so overwhelming that I want him back. He is a great dad when he is around. I am thinking about moving out of state (he gave his blessing) to move closer to family but I don't know if I can take the little time that my son has with him away. I would feel too guilty.
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It is the little things that matter the most.
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 461
Loc: New Hampshire
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Hi 14,
>I know I can't stop the divorce
If you know you can't then the sooner you accept it the sooner you can start to move forward. For me it felt like the framework upon which I built my life had collapsed. Exorcising her out of my soul felt like dying. It went faster and hurt a little less when I consciously let go and let that part of me die.
But first you need to KNOW that it's over. Now that I've let my s2bx go in my heart, I don't want her back. It felt so wrong at first - like I had betrayed an oath.
Don't play games with him with your son. That just makes you dirty. You'll have to live with yourself for a long time after this whole thing is over.
Hang in there. That's what the rest of us are doing.
Tom
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So much to forget...
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lonely14
Silver
Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 90
Loc: Midwest
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I know that i need to "know" it is over. It is so much easier said than done. I will go weeks thinking that I am okay with everything and then something will trigger me to start crying again. I feel like I am not making any progress in this last year. The days are further apart that is all. It is hard to accept that it may just be me and my son for forever. If it wasn't for him (son) I think I would have lost my mind by now. He is the one constant that gives me the courage to get thru this. I just hope he doesn't blame me for all of this too..
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It is the little things that matter the most.
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 461
Loc: New Hampshire
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There is great wisdom in love. I'm not talking about sappy syrupy "ooo ooo baby how I oooo ooo oo" sort of "love." But, the sort of sane love you feel with your son. The love that gives you courage, has healthy boundaries and just feels appropriate.
When you are consciously in a place of love your heart can withstand the truth. It can still hurt, but you have the strength to face it and get through.
Do you have a relative that speaks of love and wisdom? Talk to him/her.
And, get yourself some hugs - preferably from someone with a big heart.
I hope this makes sense.
Tom
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So much to forget...
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jeepmome
New
Reged: 07/01/08
Posts: 4
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I completely understand so much what you are going through. My x has me feeling the same thing. The only thing different is my son is 3 months old. I watched my x with my son this evening at my house and now I sit here crying because he left. For those few hours, I felt like a real family, the family I want to have so bad. My x didnt cheat on me, he claims he just fell out of love when we found out we were pregnant. I wish there was something I could tell you to help you through this painful time, but the only thing I can offer is to let you know I am going through the same thing.
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lonely14
Silver
Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 90
Loc: Midwest
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I know exactly how you feel. My STBX used to spend a lot of time at our home and still has some of his visitations here. For those brief momoments I felt "normal" I looked forward to going to the grocery store the three of us. I don't understand how a man can walk out on a family. A boy needs his father and he doesn't understand that. I am sorry about what you are going thru as well. It sucks and I hope things get better for you and your child. thanks for your support. It is nice to know that I am not the only one going thru this (but I am sory that others have too)
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It is the little things that matter the most.
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phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Cali
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Lonely-
I can't express how sorry I am that you are in this situation. However, you have made some important steps that I don't think you are giving yourself credit for.
Did you notice in your post how you included a lot of very poor personality traits about your stbx at the end of the post? That's a good thing. You are trying to get your brain to communicate with your heart that your stbx is NOT the person you really deserve to spend the rest of your life with. Honestly, HE slept with THREE other people while you were still married to him! That is BAD news. But the worst of it all is the drinking problem. Those problems get worse as time goes on, and you can't fix those! He has to fix those.
You are in the denial stage right now. That is ok. I was there for a LONG time. You may want to work it out, but you need to realize that he needs to want it too, and he doesn't. You need to start to take care of YOU and your child.
You will need to go to NO CONTACT. That means no communication except that relating to business and your child. Do NOT express your emotions to him. That is how you start to move on.... or so I'm told.
I'll be honest with you. I'll be bouncing off of the walls soon here. My stbx will be moving out of my life in about a week. I don't want her to leave, but I have to let her go. The D is happening, and there is nothing I can do about it.
It is a hard fact to accept. But you must accept it.
Keep posting. We are here for you.
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Tibi ipsi esto fidelis
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Robfrommichigan
Platinum
Reged: 12/13/06
Posts: 1434
Loc: Reality Sux.
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Paragraphs, indentation, I have ADD.
Ok, lonely14...I know most ppl's 1st posts are like........ARRRRRRRRGH1!!! CUZ u got alot on ur mind..I was same way....I understand, I can relate...
U need to step bak a bit..take a deep breath...
Focus.....hold it in...feel better????
Ur going thru the initial phases of having ur world turnt upside down.
Denial.
Confusion.
Rage.
More denial/confusion.
Shit, I don't know what to tell ya man.......
I dunno why some ppl can be so heartless....kNOWING they are literally ripping somebody else's soul right out of their chest like a demon succubus leaving you standing there w/ a shocked look on your face going hey man! WTF!!!!
That's all I can think of right now, just got outta work and i'm gonna do a shot of cuervo in your honor and I'll say a quick prayer for you to be allright.
PS. I'm an idiot and don't listen to anything I say.
but i'm happy.
=)
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May you R.I.P. Ivyrx2. (Roxanne)
Edited by Robfrommichigan (07/04/08 08:55 AM)
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1313
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Lonely, I'm so sorry your husband isn't interested in being a family. That's his choice. it's not your fault. I can count on one hand the times my stbx made me sit back and sigh, "oh, you're such a great dad and I love seeing you interact with our son". How sad is that? He was part of our "family" for 6 years. Some men just aren't into it, and you can't make them. You sound like you love your son, and that's what matters right now. He has someone in his life that loves him unconditionally, and he will thank you for that when he gets older.
Keep posting and venting to get yourself through this. I know what you mean about not wanting to talk to family about it.
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brokenup
Silver
Reged: 05/23/08
Posts: 50
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I too am so sorry that you are going through this. I read your post and it reminded me of the same things that I went through, and am still going through. My stbx and I have a 5 year old and 3 year old together, and he ended up telling me 7 weeks ago that he wanted a divorce because he didn't love me anymore and because he was seeing someone else. So even though he was walking out on our family and cheated on me, I still loved him and wanted him back so badly. I felt like I wouldn't be able to get through it, and that I couldn't survive without him. But, in time, I started to realize that I really could live without him, and that I didn't need to be with a cheater. He didn't respect me at all, or our kids, so why should I want him back. But I wanted him because our marriage meant something to me, but obviously it didn't to him. And even though I still have rough days, and I mean rough, I still am getting better everyday. And I continue to question why I am doing so well after only 7 weeks, but I guess I am just progressing through the grieving process. So I really don't have any advice for you, other than it will get better, it really will. I was sitting here 7 weeks ago having people tell me the same thing, and I thought "yah right", but now here I am telling you the same thing, because it's true. Allow yourself to feel the way you are feeling though, allow yourself to cry, because that is the only way you are going to move forward. I agree that you do need to let it go at some point, but at the same time, it's not always that easy. It's hard to "let go" of a marriage and a spouse that cheats. So just remember that soon enough you will get to that point where you will be able to let it go and move on. But for the time being, let yourself grieve. Hang in there though, a lot of people on here, including me, can relate. Write whenever you need too, even if it's just to vent!
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Andrea
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lonely14
Silver
Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 90
Loc: Midwest
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Thanks for the support. I agree that my heart and head are in two different places. I just am frustrated. It has been over a year and a half since he first left and it still feels somedays like it happened yesterday. The holidays don't help either- knowing he is out with friends at a party and I am home alone..again. It makes my mind wonder to places it shouldn't.
I just have to keep hanging on to the idea that things WILL get better it is just going to take a lot of time. This sucks..
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It is the little things that matter the most.
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Robfrommichigan
Platinum
Reged: 12/13/06
Posts: 1434
Loc: Reality Sux.
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We're here if you need a virtual shoulder to cry on.
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May you R.I.P. Ivyrx2. (Roxanne)
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lonely14
Silver
Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 90
Loc: Midwest
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Thanks..today has been a rough day. STBX girlfriend called last night to pick a fight..wanting to know why I called my STBX earlier that day. I said it was about our son and it was between the two of us. She had the gumption to ask what my problem is with her. Hmm. let me think. You started sleeping with my husband knowing that he was married and had a small child. She said I was a bad, crazy mother that shouldn't have custody of my son.
I guess calling my STBX to notify him that our son was covered in a rash from head to toe makes me crazy. So, my STBX calls to chew me out and says I need to stop creating drama. Hello?? She called me late at night and through gritted teeth I said it was none of her business why I called and to not call me anymore.. That was it. I wanted to say a lot more but I knew it wouldn't do any good.
I am so angry/frustrated. He says he wants to be more involved, so I call to tell him about the strange rash and I get a phonecall back from the girlfriend telling me I am a crazy unfit mother..
I want to buy an island for my son and I. An island that does not have a phone..
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It is the little things that matter the most.
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tookway2much
Platinum
Reged: 03/31/08
Posts: 627
Loc: Going toward the light!
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Hey 14, Good morning to you. Do hope everything is looking better.
Ah.... calls from the girlfriend. I remember those.
The one thing you can count on when you hear the girlfriends voice is "it's not going to be good."
I told my s2bx's girlfriend during the last conversation that it was sad that she had the cheater and yet she felt insecure. And I was very disappointed in her as a women due to the fact she could have spent her time more wisely "bragging on my hair", not discussing a man that I don't find worth discussing.
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I don't worry about the people in my past. There is a reason they are not in my future.
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