jessedanielle
New
Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 8
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So here it goes, this might be kinda long but please bear with me. I am 24 years old. I met my husband when I was 17 and got pregnant at 18. I was never head over heels in love with him, but over the years I have grown to love him as a person and respect him as a man. We got married (at my request) when I was 8 months pregnant. Since then we have had another child, two boys, now 5 1/2 and 2 1/2. We have had a content marriage this far and there has been no major issues.
For the past year I have been rather unhappy with our marriage. I have read all the books (mainly Dr Laura's) And when I pretend to be the perfect happy wife my husband is completely oblivious to my unhappiness and life goes on as usual. But I am soooooo tired of pretending that I am in love and happy.
We talked last night for the first time about all of this. And his response was that he does love me, but doesn't want me to waste any more of his time (he said that he is only 25 and is young enough to start over). But I feel so guilty and really don't want to hurt him, what is worse though? He is an amazing father and I know that no matter what happens that will remain the same.
Here are some of my fears... Both of our parents are divorced. Are we just going to be another statistic? My mom has been married 4 or 5 times by now and that terrifies me. How are the kids going to suffer (I remember the pain of being passed back and forth as a kid and watching my parents get remarried and start new families). And most of all I really don't want to hurt my husband. (I remember how depressed my dad was when my parents got a divorce.)
So any advice would be great wether pro or anti divorce. Just looking for some one elses look on all this.
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 151
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Marriage takes work, you guys are young, but you can't "start over" with kids. That doesn't mean one or both of you can't mature and find a healthy happy relationship with someone else, but you will always have an emotional connection to your husband.
Books are nice but they can only get you so far, they are written for general consumption, people have specific needs and issues that no pop-psycology book can address. Anyway here is another generalization for you: It is your choice who you love. You have control over it. Soul mates are made not found. If you are lucky enough to gain the self-confidence to truly be in love with someone why shouldn't it be with the father of your children?
What I am getting at, if you respect your husband, he is not abusive and he respects you and is not abusive towards you, then you need to figure out that your hapiness, feelings of love etc. are not dependant on some "perfect match" out there, they are dependant on your maturity (and his).
Marriage is a committment, and with kids it becomes a responsibility, in abusive households, the responsibility is to protect your kids and get out. In "gee I wonder if there is something better out there" households the responsibility is to show your kids that they have the tools they need to be happy, but it will take some hard work. Don't "fake it", "live it". I think most of the divorced people around here will tell you, that working for a healthy marriage is better then divorce.
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Decided to keep working
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 151
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In my early twenties, I traveled to Europe a couple of times, lived in a beach city in San Diego, met a lot of interesting people. I used to hang out at pubs and go dancing a lot etc. Now I am 41 married and have two kids. I can tell you with complete honesty, that the most exciting times in my life have been after getting married and having kids. You may think that you missed out on a lot of exitement (and you did), but I can say with complete honesty that the responsibility, joy, heart ache, ect that comes with kids is 1000 times more exciting then anything you missed.
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Decided to keep working
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Books29
Platinum
Reged: 02/20/08
Posts: 314
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Since the respect is still there, I would have to agree that you should really try to work on your marriage. Go to counselors and see if your unhappiness with your husband can be worked out. Your husband might not even know why you are unhappy and if he is willing to work on the marriage, then you are one of the lucky ones. Would your husband be willing to go to a counselor? It could help to have a trained professional mediate between you both and dive down to find the real reason for your discontentment. I would at least go to counseling first before you make any permanent decisions. You have children involved and regardless if the split would be amicable, it does children a lot of damage. I'm not saying that you should stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children (because that can do some damage to them too). But, I think you owe it to them to see if you can work the marriage out.
The cliche, "the grass is always greener" does apply here. People have a tendency to think that the grass is greener on the other side. Well...let me set the record straight. It could be greener, but it will take you a LONG time to heal from the divorce. Going through a divorce is extremely painful and you really just don't know unless you have been in the situation. Regardless if you are left or the one that leaves (such as what you might be), it is an emotionally destructive process. And, I'm sure it makes things exponentially harder when you have kids involved. Good luck to you. You were smart for coming here to work things out in your head before you made a decision based on impulse. Please keep posting.
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SingleDad
Bronze
Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 29
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I wish my STBXW didn't give up on our marriage so quickly. Marriage and kids are a committment - "for better or for worse".
Do things for yourself - don't expect that it is your H or kids responsibility to make you happy - only you can make you happy.
Start by savoring the little things in life - savor watching your kids. Savor little efforts your H does to help out.
Adjust your expectations.
You have likely put everything you have into your family - and feel like you are not getting anything in return... You are getting things in return, you may just not be recognizing it.
show your H and kids more love, and you will likely get more in return. Don't expect immediate changes.
Enjoy a new found life by changing your self within the family. change your attitude. give your self a break once in a while. go out with your friends,...
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jessedanielle
New
Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 8
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Thank you guys for all the support and advice. I can tell you for starters that I know how lucky and blessed I am. Being a mom even at such a young age has been the best thing that ever happened to me.
I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, I do know what kind of damage and pain comes from divorce at least as far as the kids go. I called my church today and have set up a counselling session for myself. In the past my H has been less than willing, but that might change too.
The thought of being a single mom terrifies me and I can't imagine doing it all on my own. But I also can't imagine living my life in a lie. We were soooo young when we got married and started a family and I feel like we are just growing so much appart and don't really like who the other is becoming. I am not afriad of the work that it take in a marriage, but how much work are you suppose to put into it before calling it quits.
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jessedanielle
New
Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 8
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Also, about a year ago when I realized that I was becoming unhappy with my marriage. I tried to start doing things for myself, because I had for the prior 5 years put all of me into my marriage and kids and hadn't really been taking care of me.
My husband is very very insecure and this didn't go over well with him. When ever I get myself pampered or anything like that he thinks that I must be cheating on him. I am mature enough to realize that having personal space and time is important so I have continued and he gets the same space and freedoms in return.
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