phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 356
Loc: Cali
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I'm concerned about my healing from this D.
I was so depressed that I started in on anti-depressants. I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not. The doctor said it doesn't numb the pain and stop the healing process, it just doesn't make it so debilitating. I don't know.
But I'm not angry at my STBX... and I SHOULD be. She is one of the most selfish and emotionally damaged people I know. She sucked the affection from me, hurt me, asked for more affection, then left me.
Why can I not get angry? Why am I trying to justify her actions in my mind?
I just don't get it.
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Tibi ipsi esto fidelis
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phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 356
Loc: Cali
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When she needed emotional support for anything, even in this whole thing, I gave it to her. But when I needed some support, I was berated and put down because my feelings put pressure on her.
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Tibi ipsi esto fidelis
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redchair
Gold
Reged: 06/21/08
Posts: 122
Loc: Boston
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Hi Phyz,
For me, the anger just came out of nowhere. Then back to sadness, back to anger, to acceptance, back to anger, to sadness. My healing process seems to be happening cyclically, not linearly - but trust me, the anger will come. Lots of people take pills to cope... honestly, you know what I think - it's so tough to have your process move along when she's still in your house.
What's the countdown until she leaves now?
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abbysfv
Platinum
Reged: 02/13/08
Posts: 687
Loc: LA, CA
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I think I've read your post and you seemed angry before. You will be angry and that's a necessary step in the healing process. Once I got to anger I started to feel much better afterwards. Don't worry about you'll get there believe me.
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Recovering trusting dufus.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1043
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Are there people in your life who don't know, yet, about your situation? I know for me, telling some of the people, who I was embarrassed to let know, pushed my healing process forward exponentially. I was afraid of being thought of as a failure. But what happened was they rallied around me. It was a truly welcome response.
Those people also helped me see some of the hindsight that I couldn't derive on my own. Situations that should have been red flags. Behaviors that were improper. Other people pointing out some of those things helped me "get angry". Also having a child who was getting completely ignored by his dad really helped me get angry.
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 857
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In my experience anti-depressants cause apathy. You may not be able to get angry right now because of the meds. I know they made me feel nothing...not anger or happiness and they stifled me sexually which really sucked. I put up with more crap from people while on those things. Now I just let the depression run it's course. I cry and feel the hurt. It eventually eases up and then comes and goes. It was very hard for me to get off of Lexapro. I had all kinds of side affects from withdrawl. Hope this helps...I think it is wonderful that you could give comfort and not be angry when you did not get it reciprocated.
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2977
Loc: a melted glacier
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It took me awhile to get angry too. Do not worry about it. Look the stages are guidelines and goalposts .. they are not predestined patterns. They are what TEND to happen.
For me the anger became a tool. Something to give me power and strength to NOT give into my ex. Anger hit me after I began to feel like I had hit a new normal (ok... I could see a new normal), and she called up wanted to "undo" it all. That sent me off the deep end.
The anger became a part of me at that point for a long time. I worried about how angry I was (after I worried that I was not angry). Then a friend who is a chaplain helped me see the anger as a gift for THAT place in time.
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 402
Loc: New Hampshire
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phyzguy:
If you're like me, you're not angry because you don't want to be angry. There's subtle and not so subtle violence in anger and you're not a violent person.
Also, by understanding her situation it doesn't hurt so much. It's a defense mechanism. It's more the circumstance and less personal.
It just occured to me that it also means that it's all her issues and that I don't have to change. Maybe I need to examine this some more...
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So much to forget...
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phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 356
Loc: Cali
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I think I am a little afraid to be angry. I don't want to become a bitter person who pushes people out of his life. And, I also didn't let myself get really angry when she was here because I didn't want to make things worse. I didn't want to make her leave any faster than she already was. Well.... that's a lie. I didn't want her to leave PERIOD.
This is total BS- and it does bother me. My STBX focused most of her attention on one particular student. She was obcessive about him. Anyway, she told me yesterday that he was going to sleep on the couch in our house so they could get an early move to Sacramento the next morning. (He's helping her move). I couldn't believe it! Really?! She knows how much of a strain this kid put on our marriage and how hard this whole D thing is for me. And she does THIS?! Am I off base by being really agitated about this?
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Tibi ipsi esto fidelis
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3333
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[quote]This is total BS- and it does bother me. My STBX focused most of her attention on one particular student. She was obcessive about him. Anyway, she told me yesterday that he was going to sleep on the couch in our house so they could get an early move to Sacramento the next morning. (He's helping her move). I couldn't believe it! Really?! She knows how much of a strain this kid put on our marriage and how hard this whole D thing is for me. And she does THIS?! Am I off base by being really agitated about this? [/quote]
No. Has it already happened? If not, tell her that he is NOT staying on the couch. He can sleep in his car, but he is not welcome in your home, period.
She really is a selfish, inconsiderate person to rub your nose in it like that.
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