germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 851
Loc: NJ
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You do not have to lay in this bed. Do NOT roll over and accept something that is tearing you up inside - and messing up your family dynamics!!
You need to tell your husband that this needs to stop. Either she leaves, or you leave. You do have a voice!
USE IT.
Mine would be used very loudly.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4779
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Time to tell him that you made a mistake. You thought you were OK with this situation but you're being made to feel like a second class citizen in your own home, and she has one week to get out.
Are there other considerations here? LIke him not wanting to pay alimony ro child supprot and thinking that allowing her to move in will make his obligation to do those things abate for a while? I know a man who allowed an ex to move in and stopped paying the child support, and then when they had a fight & she moved out again, she sued him for non-payment and back support AND he owed it.
ALthough your sitaution sounds very common for a polygamous situation... the first wife remains the honored one while the husband no longer sleeps with her... the second one is the second class citizen but she knew when she got into it that this was the situation and it's OK with her... you did NOT sign up for this when you married him and you did NOT sign up for it when you offered to allow her to stay with you for a short time while she got on her feet or whatever.
At this point, you realize what a mistake it is, and even though THEY are happy with it, YOU are not, and YOU are the woman of the house... so let him know that thsi situation has a time limit, and if they do not meet your deadline, you simply pack up your child and leave.
To protect yourself, I would not tell him that I intended to take the kid, because, given that they've got your own child calling her Mom, I'd be a little suspicious... so I'd just tell him that you've made a mistake by allowing this and it's time for it to be over, and then if he does not MAKE it be over, get your own family ready to bring over a U-Haul & help you get your stuff and your child out of there.
Look, it's OK. Everyone makes mistakes. A part of maturity is learning how to admit when you've made a mistake and fix it. You need to learn to admit to him that you made a mistake in allowing this, and you need to fix this for yoursfle and your child. If he is an adult, he will resolve it also... whether that's by choosing you or choosing her, only time will tell.
Oh yeah, and be prepared for them to not think you're serious. Be ready to actually move. This does not mean you can't move back if he does the right thing once he knows that you mean what you say... but recognize that part of the trouble of having to do this is because up until now you did NOT make your wishes known and so it's going to be a little bit of trouble to fix.
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NuWife
New
Reged: 06/30/08
Posts: 3
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Hi There,I worked on saturday and there were no kids at home with them. When I got home I was furious b/c i did not know the situation. I expressed how I felt to him and he said that the 2 of them are mature enough to be alone together, implying that i am immature to think that something is happening between them. I also found out that he has been chatting to someone on some chat site. I called her (her number on his phone). Apparently his profile is on as a single guy no children. When I confronted him he said that he needed to feel alive thats why he did it. I asked if he wanted out he said no. He loves me and blah blah blah. How can I just move out, I've done it before and i was told that i am abandoning his kids, they have had a mom leave before and now again. My heart is just broken into so many pieces and I dont know how to do what I have to do. I dont think I have the strength anymore to fight.
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eiram
Silver
Reged: 06/23/08
Posts: 78
Loc: Indiana
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that sounds kinda fishy to me. keep strong and don't back down. staying at your mom's might be the best for you.
you will not be abandoning the children. he is jeopardizing their household by his actions. not you.
good luck!
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to my ex - what goes around, comes around. you'll get yours...
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katiebear22
Silver
Reged: 11/04/06
Posts: 58
Loc: Texas
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I have to tell you... I have no children of my own but I am now a stepmom, and no way would I be okay if my child called "her" Mommy. And I've been in that place, where your husband talks to other women and pretends to be single (and of course mine also pretended to be very wealthy and educated... and he wasn't either one)... On our anniversary I found him in an adult chat room under a profile like that having erotic conversations, and when I caught him he said "oh well I thought you were sleeping anyway". Ugh.
You have to fight for yourself and for your child(ren) because if you don't, no one else is going to. It's a long hard road, but you deserve SO much better than that!
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1227
Gold
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 195
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Totally can not believe this. This goes way beyond forgiveness and your trust for your husband and everything else.
You need to get her out. Simple.... Say look, she needs to leave yesterday. I will keep her child until she gets on her feet, but she needs to find a new man for herself.
If he puts up a fight tells you you are unreasonable you kick him out as well. This is not healthy for you, your children, his children, her children, your husband and possibly not even the neighbors. Maybe for her, but too bad she screwed up years ago.
Listen, she has already showed no respect for marriage, she conceived another mans kid during marriage. HE obviously wishes it never happened and somewhat forgave her since he adopted her son. I understand he was not at fault, but wow!!! I assume he will have to pay child support do to the adoption. He has some sort of heart, I can not explain, but she definitely has a hold on him.
Lose her now. Be very firm with him bc this has potential for reconciliation and disaster. Normally I would say that reconciliation is good but you have kids and to me my kids come b4 someone elses or anyone else.
Hope, you can pull it together, I feel sorry for you.
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Lacy1
Gold
Reged: 03/06/08
Posts: 140
Loc: Coastal Area
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I personally would kick her butt out of my house and he could follow if he did not like it!!
Stand up girl. Don't let them use you for a door mat!!
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His loss not mine
Heavenbound and proud of it.
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michellea
New
Reged: 08/06/08
Posts: 14
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I'm sorry but if my fiance allowed his ex to move in with us FOR WHATEVER reason I would be moving out PERMANENTLY!
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2007
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I've very open to helping people out, but this crosses the line.
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SwedishChef
Bronze
Reged: 08/20/08
Posts: 44
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He needs to get a pair and tell her to bugger off. Her problems aren't his and it's not fair to put them on you either. Why doesn't "Mr. Wonderful" she had the affair (and the child!) with deal with her? Probably turned out the be the regular kind of lowlife scumbag who would sleep with another man's wife and she's sorry for it now. Well, the most I'd give her is a quarter to call someone who cares.
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If he can have her, I don't want her.
I gave her the ring, now I'm giving her the finger.
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