NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 307
Loc: New Hampshire
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This is so as not to hijack phyzguy's thread and the "miracle of birth" thread and to answer Mrs. Liberty's comment that my s2bx must have really loved at some point.
I'm not really angry at my s2bx for busting up the family. I figure she can't help it. Her family of origin was so dysfunctional and she was so disempowered that she couldn't say "no" to anyone. Through the desire to protect and heal her I fell completely in love. I was going to make it all better for her. She did what she'd done all her life - kept her head low and quietly accepted whatever came down. She was pleasant, but a little distant. I figured that she's come around. I could be patient.
As our marriage councilor put it, I pursued her heart... for 30 years. She got sick of it and left.
What kind of sick b@st@rd would keep reaching out to a woman for 30 years and beg her to come home after leaving him? I was dedicated to her. I was dedicated to marriage. I was dedicated to my family.
It was she who couldn't commit.
So, you see, it's not my fault. None of it. It was doomed from the start. I can stay the same because I'm just right.
I'm doomed to repeat this and live in misery for the duration if I don't correct my cranial/rectal inversion.
She never showed up. She just went through the motions. Leaving me could be the best thing anyone has ever done for me. I just wish she'd done it - 30 years ago.
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So much to forget...
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phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 276
Loc: Cali
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OK- WOW!! My STBX was the same exact way with the "NO" thing. She couldn't say NO to me. And that was a necessary part of communication. She grew up in an abusive situation kept her head low. After a while, she got to the point that she couldn't trust herself around ME to not do things that she didn't want to do.
This is what abuse can do to a person. It can ruin their adult lives and really hurt those around them.
I'm sorry this has happened to you Tom. I'm right here with you. In the case of my stbx, her dad and step-dad emotionally abused her. Her mom let it happen.
/and, no, you didn't hijack my thread. no worries
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Peace comes from simply knowing you will find the answer
Edited by phyzguy (07/04/08 10:56 AM)
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 796
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[quote]This is what abuse can do to a person. It can ruin their adult lives and really hurt those around them.
I'm sorry this has happened to you Tom. I'm right here with you. In the case of my stbx, her dad and step-dad emotionally abused her. Her mom let it happen. [/quote]
OK this is freaking me out here. I was sexually abused as a child by my brother in law. He was my dad's favorite. So telling alienated my dad and my sister. My mom ignored it and to this day pretends it did not happen.
I finally let my anger out after the birth of my daughter. I was so angry all the time it ruined my marriage. That was my part in it anyway. His cheating and drinking did not help. Now I find my anger directed at my mother. I layed low my whole childhood and still have a hard time saying no. I think it is a generational thing...people did not get help for abuse.
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phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 276
Loc: Cali
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Julia-
So you had issues with not being able to say "No" also? Wow. From your point of view, why were you not able to say, "no"?
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Peace comes from simply knowing you will find the answer
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tookway2much
Platinum
Reged: 03/31/08
Posts: 626
Loc: Going toward the light!
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So many times we find ourselves attracted to the people that we believe need saved, and worth saving. But much to often we are dragged down into the pits of Hell with them. Although at times they may admit they have a problem I don't think most of them really accept or believe it.
We need to break the chain of trying to save people, and stop chasing after people we are unequally yoked with. It will never work out for the best, when you cross the line.
ME: John, you really could use some counseling. I'm afraid for you. Being a Narcissus is one thing, but never being able to admit you have ever done anything wrong can't be healthy.
John: Perhaps your right.
2 weeks later>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
JOHN: I went to counseling twice, she said it wasn't my fault. Perhaps you need counseling.
ME: No doubt, after 12 years with your perfect ass I would have to have a complex.
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I don't worry about the people in my past. There is a reason they are not in my future.
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 307
Loc: New Hampshire
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>So many times we find ourselves attracted to the people that we believe need saved, and worth saving.
Well, yeah! How ELSE are you going to feel like you're worth something unless your spouse NEEDS you?
The only problem is when YOU SUCCEED and you DO help them - help them become independent of YOU! Then they don't need you anymore. "Thanks for all the fish" and off they go.
So, whom shall I take on as my next project?
I don't have a problem. Not me!
Maybe I can finish 30 years on a project and STILL not learn anything from it.
It's about time I started reeling. There's too much telling me that my next step out into the real world could be VERY dangerous - to me and my next.
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So much to forget...
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Mr.Revenge
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/08
Posts: 323
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Tom,
Feel your pain man, BELIEVE ME PLEASE.
Hang in there. I'm hangin' in there with next to no hope at this point, but we just HAVE to keep on keepin' on.
Make you a deal: I'll be here for you but I'll need you there for me. I'm struggling man, and I understand like you could not imagine. Hang tough man, for you, your family, and for ME dude.
I'm goin' outside with my daughter to light a bonfire to burn my past "wasted" love in cards, letters, etc. to TBX. She dumped them on my porch...an invitation to "ignition" in my book!!!!!
You're a good man Tom. Please hang tough. It "sukks", but somehow, we will persevere.
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norcal
Platinum
Reged: 08/24/06
Posts: 964
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Tom...
You just put into words how I've felt my entire marriage...he never should up and for twenty years I kept waiting, faithfully!
I too wish I had left years ago, but am thankful I did leave before I lost my desire to be in a relationship with a healthy man who is present and accounted for. :)
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life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance..
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 307
Loc: New Hampshire
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Actually, with Tookie's post I think I'm FINALLY getting a clue about what NOT to do.
Being there is great and I appreciate it like nothing else. But, I'm looking at this as a way not to spend my NEXT 30 years in the misery I was in before. Yes. She left and I'm all torn up about it. But, I was pretty flying miserable for probably 24 of those years.
Thank-you. I'm hanging tough - and getting ready to attack.
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So much to forget...
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 307
Loc: New Hampshire
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I'm sure this phenomenon of picking someone who needs help has been observed and documented before. Has anyone bumped into any books about this? 'Cause I need to get healthy about this.
I'm serious.
Thanks!
Tom
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So much to forget...
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