MarMcMar
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 1579
Loc: Western New York
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When we are the ones who want to stay, work on the marriage, are still in love, but instead are left - it’s like an addict without his drug.
Early divorce is a lot like withdrawal. We tremble, shake, can’t eat, can’t sleep. The one thing we want – our spouses – we can’t have. We know we should give them up – that they’re bad for us – but we keep coming back for more.
Like addicts, we need to experience the cold turkey of going without before we can heal. Detox centers house addicts like they are babies, keeping sharp objects away from them, letting them sleep, lots of counseling, one-on-one and groups.
I felt so fragile during those early days and my very flesh craved my ex. Not for sex, just to be held. I felt like I should be in some sort of rehab unit – sheltered, away from society – so broken.
In time, with distance, I saw the wisdom of my giving up my ex. Like a bad drug, he poisoned me. He subdued me to the point of friends questioning why I wasn’t myself around him. As long as I was around him, I’d keep coming back for more.
On my own, over months, I learned to live without him. I realized how much I’d given away to him with nothing in return. So much like a bad habit. Now, 2 ½ years separated, I can tell you, I have kicked my addiction.
Life really is beautiful and that monkey off my back is such a relief. But I had to learn to live without before I could truly live.
Happy Independence Day!
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The sweetest thing you'll ever see in the whole wide world is a happy girl.
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vbalt
Silver
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 72
Loc: CA
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That could be in a book about divorce. Thank you for such insight!
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Bloom where you are planted
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newlife123
Gold
Reged: 11/04/07
Posts: 188
Loc: phila suburb-PA
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There isn't a pill around that could take that feeling away and maybe I need it to heal. I hate that I want him still but it shows that I still am capable of love even with all he's done.
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PainedPatty
Platinum
Reged: 01/28/08
Posts: 663
Loc: Southern California
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Wow, you sure hit that nail on the head! That is exactly what it feels like. I am 5 1/2 months separated and still have waves of withdrawal symptoms. You couldn't have described it better and ,yes, I could have used a sheltered environment during the first few months. I literally thought I was going to die from wanting him back so much. I'm better now, but when I do get a small fix, spending necessary time with him, I end up with several days of increased withdrawal symptoms afterwards. I call it the stbx hangover. This includes self-doubt, what-ifs, and tears. I'm sure that over time I will lose the addiction all together, because I know that this particular drug is really unhealthy for me.
Patty
Patty
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Robfrommichigan
Platinum
Reged: 12/13/06
Posts: 1388
Loc: Reality Sux.
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[quote]When we are the ones who want to stay, work on the marriage, are still in love, but instead are left - it’s like an addict without his drug.
Early divorce is a lot like withdrawal. We tremble, shake, can’t eat, can’t sleep. The one thing we want – our spouses – we can’t have. We know we should give them up – that they’re bad for us – but we keep coming back for more.
Like addicts, we need to experience the cold turkey of going without before we can heal. Detox centers house addicts like they are babies, keeping sharp objects away from them, letting them sleep, lots of counseling, one-on-one and groups.
I felt so fragile during those early days and my very flesh craved my ex. Not for sex, just to be held. I felt like I should be in some sort of rehab unit – sheltered, away from society – so broken.
In time, with distance, I saw the wisdom of my giving up my ex. Like a bad drug, he poisoned me. He subdued me to the point of friends questioning why I wasn’t myself around him. As long as I was around him, I’d keep coming back for more.
On my own, over months, I learned to live without him. I realized how much I’d given away to him with nothing in return. So much like a bad habit. Now, 2 ½ years separated, I can tell you, I have kicked my addiction.
Life really is beautiful and that monkey off my back is such a relief. But I had to learn to live without before I could truly live.
Happy Independence Day! [/quote]
Great post mar.
I salute you!!!!
Ur the female equivalent of boobaa, only u prolly smell better.
Great song by Martina McBride, "Independence Day"
Sheesh, glad it's over, only 3 more hours of my shift to go...
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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.
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scbeck
Platinum
Reged: 12/29/07
Posts: 816
Loc: New Brunswick Canada
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Mari that is what I must be feeling lately. Withdrawal symptoms!!! He just took our daughter for the month and he was his usual uncooperative self doing it, refused to sign papers I had made up and gave me one he had done up. For the week leading up to this day I have been mourning this marriage and just wishing things could be the way they were and jealous of his GF and now I know it is just the stress of making the change of having to let my daughter go for the summer and worrying he will influence her to stay there that is making me wish for something so terribly unhappy as the marriage I had.
Hats off to those who kick addictions of any kind!!!
Christine
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
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MarMcMar
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 1579
Loc: Western New York
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Well, the good news is that the further you get from your ex, the less the addiction takes hold of you.
My sister once told me that my ex was like a bad habit, that once shaken, I wouldn't need anymore. I think she was right, that I became happily independent without him. BUT and this is a big but, I will have to beware I don't hook up with someone similar to him. You know - drug substitution.
Everyone knows someone who is divorced, but then hooks up with someone remarkably like their ex. Like they can't get enough.
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The sweetest thing you'll ever see in the whole wide world is a happy girl.
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 1855
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[quote]Well, the good news is that the further you get from your ex, the less the addiction takes hold of you.[/quote]
Well, I don't think I have that problem with my ex, but I do know what you mean. I hate reminders of last year. Everything bad that could possibly happen did happen. I constantly have to keep myself distanced from the events and people as I find reminders just trigger off feeling bad again.
Amazing to see how far you can go forward, only to slip all the way back again with one wrong interaction.
The further I get away from it the better I am, but getting away from the events of last year isn't always easy. Sometimes you 'bump into them' by accident.
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