CuriousWanderer
New
Reged: 07/04/08
Posts: 4
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Hello.
I am 21, second oldest of 5 kids (22, 18, 16, 9).
My parents have been having problems for many years now. It has not come out in the open, but my dad has not been faithful to my mom. None of my other siblings know this. They just know that they don't get along. My mom and I are very close and she has been keeping me filled in on what is going on; my dad is a closed book. I asked that she keep me filled in, I don't want anything to come as a surprise and the more knowledgeable I am of the situation the more I can help out with the other kids when they need it. My parents haven't come out in the open about the divorce yet but it's going to happen. My older brother knows this and my 16 year old brother knows. My sister and baby brother know something is wrong but don't know what. I love my parents dearly but I secretly think this would be better for them. They have been bickering with each other for as long as I can remember, plus the affairs (dad).
My dad owns his own business. My mom hasn't worked in 20 years. My mom is very scared about not being able to find work afterward. It is not a secret that us kids are closer to my mom. During the prime of his career my dad traveled every week and even over the past several years he's thrown himself into his work. He is a workoholic! He just doesn't really know how to connect with us. Over the past 2 years I have tried really hard to make our relationship better and it has been better. My 16 year old brother can also connect to him through sports (my dad is a coach and my brother does this specific sport). My older brother and my dad don't get along at all. They never talk and my brother says that once they are divorced he won't have anything to do with him. My baby brother gets along fine with him and so does my sister - no qualms there. My mom and us kids are a bunch of free spirits - We're very laid back, easy going, friendly, supportive and big animal lovers (trust me, that little fact is important). My dad can be tough and not understanding, very money and work minded. He has huge issues with our pets (we have had tons of animals and currently we have a dog, 5 cats and a rabbit and he treats them as if they don't exist or that they are extremely bothersome). My mom bases everything around us kids; she will say it till she is blue in the face that "we are everything to her".
I was living on my own last year but due to unfortunate circumstances I had to move back home. I planned on getting a job, making some money and getting back out on my own. The town I live in is really small and it's Michigan. It's nearly impossible to get a job here. We are probably one of the most well known families in the city and it's still impossible. My brothers and sisters can't find anything either. This has been a huge issue for my dad and he fights with my mom about it a lot. He is constantly on her about getting on us about getting jobs. I can tell you that I have applied at just about every single business around even though they all told me they wouldn't be hiring. So therefore, I haven't had money to move out again. I want to move out just to get away but I also feel that God may be keeping me from getting a job so that I can be around for my siblings. Parents, is it really that big of a deal that I am home? I'm a college student, taking time off of school. I'm home due to circumstances that were out of my hands. I don't ask my dad for money and I help out around the house. My mom and nana (my mom's mother lives with us) say they are really thankful to have me hear but I feel like a burden, one more mouth to feed. My dad feels that my brother sister and I should all have jobs and be supporting ourselves by now but really, how many young adults our age are doing this? Only one friend of mine that I can think of, but she is married and her parents are insane. Last week I got really sick (I hardly ever get sick). I tried to take care of it myself for a week but it got worse. I needed some money to take myself to the doctor so I asked my dad for some. He didn't seem bothered by it at the time but he told my mom later that if I had a job I would have been able to pay it myself.
I guess you can sense that I blame my dad mainly for this divorce. Even though he is the one who has cheated, he is the one who has filed for divorce. My mom has stuck by him through every affair and I have an inkling that he is still cheating (just not as much). He is the one who has the problem with everything. I don't want to blame my dad. I don't want to blame anyone. I feel bad for my dad because I don't want him to feel like he is hated. If they split, my brothers will both want to go with my mom and my mom has said that any of us could. She is sure that she will move back out to California where her family is since she would have a house to go to (her father left his house to my mom and uncles). Apparently my dad has mentioned that he wants to leave Michigan and head for warmer weather (He won't talk with any of us kids about any of this, he ignores the fact the we know). I guess I'm asking, is there anything I can do for my dad to not make him feel alone once they have split? I don't want him to feel hurt that no one really wants to live with him. Of course there will be visits with the younger kids and my sister and I would visit him. My sister might even stay in Michigan for a while to go to school.
I know this is a lot to read and a lot of information. I tried to give some background and some specific examples. Any input would be nice! Thanks!
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3191
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It's hard when you are an adult and your parents divorce. You want to help. You want to know what is going on.
It's hard to stay out of it and not take sides. But that is what you need to do. For your own sanity.
My suggestion is to be there for your younger siblings and to make it clear to both of your parents ( and your grandmother) that you will not be put in the middle of your parents' divorce. And remind them of that everytime they start to involve you.
Go back to school, get your degree. Focus on you and doing what will help you in the future. Your parents are grown, they can work this out for themselves. And should without involving their children, even the grown ones.
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Nish
Platinum
Reged: 02/18/07
Posts: 1212
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Curious,
Jada has given you great advice. You should not be in the middle of your parents' divorce.
I agree with Jada, you need to get back to school and get your degree. The best help you can be is to finish your education, so you can be a self supporting adult.
By all means, be supportive of your siblings, but you can do that while continuing your education. My concern is that if you take too much time off from finishing up your education, that you will lose the "drive" to jump back in and get it completed.
I am sorry your family is going through this. Divorce, while between the husband and wife, doesn't leave untouched the rest of the family.
Your Dad, regardless of what he has or hasn't done, that has caused the breakdown in the marriage with your Mom, is still and always will be your Dad.
Love is unconditional. My children were raised with that knowledge. They knew I would always love them. I may not have liked some of their actions, but it did not alter my love for them.
I guess what I am trying to say is this. You and your siblings may not like what your Dad has done, but he still deserves your love.
Get back to school and trust me, your Mom has support from her own Mom and friends to deal with what she will need to with the divorce. The best way you can help her now is to return to school for your degree.
I certainly wish all you all the very best.
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VexedDad
New
Reged: 06/29/08
Posts: 7
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I have to echo the others. You may be an adult child, but this is still your parents' divorce, and it has NOTHING to do with you. Don't let this derail you from your goals in life. You can easily get sidetracked by trying to parent your Mom and your Dad because you feel you have to support them in addition to replacing them as parents for the other kids. I am not saying you should be totally selfish. Just keep loving them both and letting them love you, and don't be anything to your siblings other than the good elder sister that you have been. Good luck. My heart aches for you.
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Hanging in there...
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4697
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You're very angry at a man who is supporting 5 kids (three who are adults and living at home and/or going to college?) his wife and his mother-in law in his own house. He also has to support all the mouths of all the pets that your mother and you kids have taken in. You blame him for being away for work, and you think your mother is great for focusing everything on you and your siblings and the house and the pets, but what choice did he have? It's not like she was helping out with financing the venture. From what I can tell, he's one man supporting 6 adults (five of whom are not pulling thier own weight). It's no wonder there have been disagreements and bickering.
I totally disagree with him having affairs, but what's worse is that your mother has seen fit to tell you about them and talk to you about them. She's your MOTHER and she should know that you have no business knowing anything about her sex life, even if you are an adult.
Your Dad, by not talking to you about this situation, is practically a saint on the issue of how he's handling this with you and your siblings, and is probably working really hard not to retaliate and give you an earful of exactly what is wrong with your mother. (not that you'd believe him, it sounds like she's got your loyalty at this point and there's no way you'd believe she's doing anythign wrong. Heck, you're probably going to think I'm terribly mean for telling you that seh's very wrong to have discussed his affairs with you...
I agree with the others that you should be out of it and NOT be the one to provide the information to your siblings. I suggest, however, that maybe you should read the book, "Divorce Poison". It explains how sometimes a parent in a divorce can spend some time brainwashing a kid into thinking that THIER position on things is the right one... and then things get skewed and really hard to set right.
Understand that in the real world, women whose kids are all in school and/or college will often return to work, or will work hard to try to minimize the economic impact of non-working on the family. That in these really difficult economic times, all adult children are expected to somehow pull thier own weight, and if that means moving out with a roommate to a larger town where you can find something, tehn that's what it means. I know a man who lost his job, claimed he could not afford to support the kids... he was applying to all kinds of management positions for a year (because that's teh kid of job he wanted) and couldn't find a single person to hire him. He was told "I hear Circle K is hiring", which is the way it works if you are an adult, if you have to pull your own weight, if you have minor children to support.
At some point, it's perfectly reasonable for him to expect the adult children to figure out how to be self-supporting, and I know it fills a kid full of resentment to find out that the expectations they had of college education without too much debt are not going to be fulfilled, but that's the reality of the world, not the meanness of your Dad, that is causing this. And don't let your mother say anything to the contrary.
I think it's amazing that he's only on YOUR case about working and not on your mother's.
It's a nice luxury that she has been available to not work, to take in lots of pets, bear as many kids as seh wanted and stay home through the whole thing. That's a luxury that most people don't have. And the only reason she's had that luxury is that your Dad has worked to support the whole crew. To criticize him for being away in order to do that is a bit unfair. To suggest that you feel not as close to him is understandable, becasue he's been busy, supporting you... and she's been busy recently, telling you about how unfair he is and how he's had affairs.
It's not right, what she's done. Next time she wants to talk about it... next time you feel the urge to ASK her to talk about it... just say "no". You need to stay out of it, not take sides, understand that if the RIGHT thing were happening, you'd know nothing about the difficulties between them as man & wife and they would figure out a way to separate and still keep all you kids fed and happy... without complaining to any of you kids about the other parent and money, because that stuff is none of your busienss.
But clearly, things have already gone in a wrong way here... Please don't compound it. Don't talk to your other siblings about the stuff you've found out from your Mom. Don't you let yourself become a weapon in her brainwashing arsenal to turn them against your Dad. It's not up to you to inform them about stuff. It's up to them.
You are not the parent here.
All you are, is an adult child. As such, you should try to figure out where you are going with your life, figure out how to reduce the burden on your family finances (in a way that apparently your mother is not trying to do because as you've talked, it appears that no one has contemplated having HER return to work)... and how to moveo forward and repair your own relationship with your father even though your mother has given you inappropriate information about him and he refuses to retaliate by gossipping about her to you.
Please, find a way to stay out of it... and more importantly, don't even think of talking to your siblings about it.
Good luck.
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WittyUserName
Silver
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 56
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Gigi's right. Your mom's playing you and your siblings to get everybody on her side. She wouldn't have told you such sordid details that are, frankly, none of your business unless she was trying to fill your mind with hatred.
No, your dad's not a saint, but neither is your mom. Your best bet is to be Switzerland here -- stay neutral, and make it clear to your mom that you don't wanrt to be dragged into the middle of this.
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melanie14
Platinum
Reged: 03/11/06
Posts: 3057
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maybe your dad hasn't cheated on her at all....
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CuriousWanderer
New
Reged: 07/04/08
Posts: 4
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I see I have to clarify some things... Keep in mind that I wrote that initial post at about 3am so maybe some things got jumbled.
I did not leave college because of my parents. I was incredibly stressed out to the point where I was crying when I left class. I was spending at least 8 hours a day working outside of class on projects and homework. This is why I am taking some time off. I love learning and I love that environment. In my time off I have been looking into schools to attend.
Gigi, you make it sound like my mom is just sitting at home all day watching t.v. and eating bon bons while my dad is slaving away. Not the case! My mother worked for the 1st 10 years of their marriage. It was a mutual decision between her and my dad that she quit because my dad was gone so often and there were 4 children under the age of 10. My dad has the type of income where he can comfortably support a huge family all on his own. He is a professional athlete, owns a gym and has a clothing line. We had a pool installed 2 years ago and my mother paid for it all on her own. We don't rely on our dad/husband for every little thing.
As for the comment about us adult kids not pulling our weight: We were not allowed to hold jobs in high school. We were told to focus on our studies and sports. We worked summer jobs though. We were also encouraged not to have a job during our first year of college but I decided to. My sister just graduated from high school last month. My older brother just graduated from college and is only home for the summer before heading out on his own. He is paying for most of his college tuition himself. Our parents set aside a certain amount for us all and if we went over that then we had to take out loans and pay for it ourselves. I was living on my own, supporting myself financially but like I said, due to unfortunate circumstances, I had to move back home for a little while. I will be living on my own by the end of the summer. While we are home we are helping our parents out around the house, running errands, supporting our younger siblings with their school and sports.
My nana pays for all of her own things. She does not rely on my dad. My mom is a well respected cook and caterer. Just because she doesn't work a steady job doesn't mean she's not making any money. Yes my dad pays for the majority of what goes on but he was also a part of that decision to do so.
As for the animals, my nana pays for just about everything for our dog and is the main caretaker for the dog. I pay for my cat and take care of him. We all, except for my dad take care of the 3 kittens and rabbit. When my brother moves out, he is taking 1 or 2 of the kittens with him.
My mom did not tell me about my dad's affairs. I found out for myself when I was younger. My mom didn't even know I knew until a month ago. My other siblings don't know about the affairs. She isn't going around telling all of us our dad's little secrets. She only talks with me about the divorce; and when I say she talks with me I mean about how she feels, she asks how I feel, living situations, etc... I asked her to keep me informed. I am not butting my head in, they are dealing with it themselves. My other siblings just found out about the divorce this past week.
I have no problem with the amount of time my dad spends away. I never have. I am not saying that because my mom was around she was "great" or better than my dad. I was just giving some information so that people could better understand the difference between my parents. Maybe I would have received less flack had I just said that my dad is a quiet self-proclaimed workaholic and that my mom is very social and laid back. That's basically what I was getting at. That and, because my mom was home all the time, we are closer with her and my nana. We have very different relationships with our parents, I myself, do not have a problem nor would I want to change either of them.
I am not bitter about the divorce. I think it is a good idea! If my dad can't stay faithful to my mom and they haven't been getting along for years now, why should they stay together? I made the comment "I guess you can sense that I blame my dad mainly for this divorce" because he is the one who filed for divorce. I also said that I don't want to blame anyone. I plan on continuing, to the best of my ability, the same relationships I have with my parents now once they are divorced.
My question, although it may have been lost in all the information, was how can I make my dad not feel like he is hated by us kids if no one chooses to live with him? I said I felt bad for him because I don't think that my younger brothers will want to live with him.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4697
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Your Dad will feel fine with no one living with him if you are all becoming independent adults and none of your kids' decisions have anything to do with any beliefs you have about his sex life. It's unfortunate that you know this stuff about your Dad without understanding the part of this that is the "it takes two to tango" part, but you're kind of committed to proving that your mother's stay-at-home status somehow qualifies her as a better parent than your Dad, and there's no way to explain otherwise.
For example, if she was able to afford a swimming pool on her own, a lot of it probably had to do with the fact that she didn't have to pay the MORTGAGE or UTILITIES or ... well, food, travel, or wahtever. How she managed to afford a pool if she's been staying at home since you were under 10, I have to wonder if you're completely on top of understanding all thier finances.
And whether or not you are, for you to have this much information about it ... or this much mis-information, if it turns out that the stuff you know about thier finances is all from her point of view and his own view is not the same ... well, you know way more about thier lives, about how they chose to make high level financial decisions, etc... the fact that you somehow understand how your "nana" (your grandmother, I take it?) finances her life and pays rent to your parents... it's just way more information than a kid is supposed to have about their parents.
The fact that he's a professional athlete who must travel for work means he'll naturally have less time avaialble to spend with you kids, so he'll be fine if you don't LIVE with him ... but be sure to set aside time to spend with him, holidays, vacations, etc. Don't be surprised, though, if he doesn't continue to maintain your mother and her mother with as much money as they've had in the past, so maybe it'll be tougher for your mother to afford a pool.
I never said she was sitting around eating bon-bons. Most stay at home mothers do not do that. But most women don't have the luxury of staying at home to do the cooking & cleaning and child-rearing because their financial contribution to the family is not optional... the family cannot exist if they do not help provide. It's a luxury to have a stay at home member of the partnership who will do all the work of keeping the homefires burning ... a luxury that can no longer be afforded by a divorcing couple.
I urge you to get some counseling for yourself. If you were crying so much over your parents' split that you had to take a break from college, you sincerely need help in sorting this out... help in YOU sorting it out for YOURSELF... not for your siblings, but for yourself.
Your Dad will be fine (as long as you don't spend time talking about your opinion of him with your siblings). Your Mom will get through this (and whatever you do, do NOT let her use you as HER source of emotional support during this). Your siblings will figure it out for themselves what happened or did not happen with your parents and will hopefully have time to spend with your dad as well as your MOm in the future, but other than coordinating your schedules so that you're all at Mom's on Christmas Morning and Dad's on Christmas evening... or whatever... well... the only thing you should have to do with this is pointing them to support groups for kids thier own ages, or therapists for individual help if there are no support groups available... for them to get their own help.
YOu are not a therapist and even if you were, you are not in a position to be the person to help fix this for them. You need to stick to fixing it for yourself.
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theanswerguy
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2137
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Your mother can afford a pool on her own while not working but is " very scared about not being able to find work afterward" ?
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Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right. Isaac Asimov
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