Divorce Support Forums: Confused, frustrated and angry, feeling stupid...

Ok, first a breif history. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and we have no children. We married really young but I never doubted my decision to get married at a young age. My husband worked and supported me while I went to college, but then after I got out of college and started working he seemed to loose his drive and hasn't had a steady full time job in about 10 years, but since he kept the house and yard work done and we could more than make it on what I made this didn't really bother me (I hate housework anyway). I thought we had a good marriage and were happy together, it always seemed like us against the world (probably because we married so young and no one thought our marriage would last for more than a couple of years).

Now onto our current situation. About 6 months ago my husband meet another couple on line and we found out they only lived about a mile away from us, we ended up meeting for dinner and soon the four of us started hanging out alot and became friends. After a couple of months I started noticing that my husband and the wife of the other couple were better friends than any of the rest of us (she was a stay at home mom so neither of them worked). They started having coffee together every morning and calling each other best friends etc... Well of course alarm bells started going off for me and I spoke to my husband and let him know that I wasn't comfortable with all the time they spent together alone. He said that I just didn't want him to have any friends and they were only friends. I should also mention that during this time my husband and I where going through fertility treatments. So this went on for a couple months, he was almost never at home anymore and we where fighting all the time about the amount of time he was spending at their house (either with just her or with both of them). During the first week of may I found some love notes my husband had scanned onto the computer and stupidly left in the recycle bin, I confronted him with the notes and he swore they were from another girl he use to work with, but nothing had ever happened between them - as stupid as it sounded I believed him (or at least I convinced myself to believe him). About a week after that our female friend told her husband she didn't love him anymore and wanted a divorce (he was off work after having surgery so she gave him until he was able to go back to work to leave). I told my husband that now it really bothered me to have him spend any alone time with someone who was about to be single, but he reassured me again that they were just friends. About a week after she told her husband she wanted out of the marriage the 3 of them were at their sons baseball game (I had to work and wasn't able to go) and my husband and the other woman went to her car for something and her husband caught them kissing. They of course tried to play it off that she had just kissed him on the check for all the help he had been giving her and her husband while he was recovering from surgery. Her husband left that night in a rage, but I was stupid and still wanted to believe that my husband wouldn't do that (especially not in public with her husband a few feet away). So since her husband was so angry she was scared to stay alone that night so my husband decided to stay over on her couch (I know stupid of me). Then 2 days later when he showed back up he said he wasn't happy with his life anymore and was going to go stay with a male friend of his in the next town for a couple of days. As stupid as it sounds I still didn't want to believe there was anything between them. Well 5 days later he came home (I checked and his truck hadn't been at her house so I am not sure if he stayed at his friends or with her and hid is truck) and confessed to me they where having an affair and he loved her but he loved me too and he was confused. Since that day he has been staying with her. He comes to see me a few times a week and he has told me that he doesn't really love her but he had been miserable in our marriage for a while and even though the two of them where no longer romatically together he couldn't come home yet because he doesn't know if he can be happy with me anymore but he still loves me. So as of right now I don't trust him and I don't believe that their relationship is really over but I can't bring myself to end our marriage. If I go several days without seeing him I start to feel strong and realize that this isn't the end of the world and I can do this, but then I see him and all I want to do is hug him and beg him to come home (which I haven't actully done). Neither one of them work so now they don't have a phone and they are always broke and he usually ends up asking me for a few dollars or some cigarettes every time I see him.

I feel like he is stringing me along either for finacial aid or just as a backup incase things don't work out with this woman. So now I don't know what I want to do. I can't actually wrap my brain around getting a divorce or never seeing him again but I also don't know if I can ever trust him again or have a happy life with him. We were suppose to go yesterday and file our divorce papers but the thought of that made me physically ill and I couldn't do it. Right now I don't even what to think about dating or anything so I don't really feel a need to rush. I am not sure if my problem is that I really love him and want our marriage to work, or if I am just scared of the idea of starting my life over on my own. I have never been on my own. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband.

Sorry this was so long, I tried to only hit the highlights. Thanks for any advice and/or support.