Divorce Support Forums: Dating during the divorce?????

There's nothing strange about it. There are people who get all up in arms, believing they have some moral high ground by not dating until... (insert your own personal moral deadline here)...

But the truth is that it's an individual thing and really just depends upon how long it is that there was trouble that you knew about in the marriage, who made the decision to separate, hwo long you've been separate and how long you anticipate it will take for the formal process of getting a judge to sign the final papers. It depends upon whether you went to marital counseling and whether you went to counseling after the separation and whether you've resolved the issues of feeling like you're vows are still intact.

It has to do with whether you harbor hope for reconciliation or wehther you have a feeling of a need for retaliation.

It depends upon what you define as "dating" and whether or not coffee with a co-worker that you were attracted to (or who was attracted to you) would qualify... it depends upon what your goals for dating would be and what kind of considerations you would give to the person you're dating... what their own issues are regarding dating a person whose divorce is not yet final.

And yes, there is a moral component for many people, but I've watched p eople who were keeping a high moral ground, from what they said, who were flirting wildly in a way that almost approximated cheating and sneaking (and they might as well have dated, for all the lewd chatter they were engaging in anyways) ... or people who realized that their ex had broken the vows and it was only a matter of waiting for the judge to sign the final papers, but they didn't feel emotionally ready to move on.

It's a different timeline for everyone involved, and such a personal thing. If you're not ready, then don't. But fi you feel like you are ready, and the only thing holding you back is the fact that the judge hasn't yet signed the final papers, well... think through how long you're willing to remain uninvolved, how long you're willing to wait for that... think through whether you still feel a commitment to your vows even though your stbx has broken them... think through whether you REALLY have a belief system that gives you a deadline that's dictated by some judge who couldn't care less about your faith or whether God is present in your marriage or your vows or not.

For me, I dated after my divorce was final but never felt free to date until my church-related divorce was resolved, several years later. For my current husband, he felt his ex had broken the vows so many years earlier, had marginalized him in his own household for so long, he did not leave till he was ready to say it was truly over and they'd been living as uncomfortable housemates "for the sake of the kids" for so long that... well, he started dating as soon as he and the counselor that he started seeing after he walked out agreed that he was ready.

To my mind, it's only wrong if you're dating while living together or while giving the other person the impression that you're hoping for a reconciliation. And if you expose the children to issues of your sexuality (or if your ex decides in thehir anger to spill the beans abotu your sexuality to your kids), then it's wrong... but that would be wrong whether or not the divorce was final, I think.

If you're not ready, then don't. Only do as much as you're ready to do. If you're ready to flirt with teh cute meter maid who is ticketing your car when you over-stayed the meter because you were at your divorce hearing, then fine... who needs a decree. If you're ready to go out with a group of co-workers after work on Friday and one of them is a cute one who thinks you're cute, too... and you feel at ease buying the cutie a drink... then go for it. If you meet a wonderful person you'd like to get to know better, and get a little companionship from, and you go spend a few hours talking over coffee, then fine. if you think it's too soon to kiss any of them, then that's the right thing for you to do... go to coffee or have a drink without a kiss. But if you're a huggy type, then hugging might not be a problem? To say hello or goodbye?

There are so many levels of flirting and dating that it's really hard to define. Do whatever you feel comfortable with, UNTIL you feel you're ready to do something more. And then do that, when the time feels right.

You dont' need to work on anyone else's timeline. Not your co-workers, not your parents', not your ex's (which in many cases they'd prefer you to NEVER date again)... only yours.