juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 859
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BamaMatt...I have forced myself to date. All that did was hurt the person I was dating. I thought I was helping myself get over the ex but it did not work. Date when you feel good about yourself again.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5059
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I guess that's part of what went on with me for several years. I had that "married vibe", coming from within. I DID date, but it always felt somehow wrong (even though I knew the whole world didn't think it was wrong.) For ME, I had to get the church annulment before I stopped feeling that vibe.
If it helps, go out with friends to have drinks, go to games, have coffee, without any intent, whatsoever, of meeting someone. Pretend like you're the committed dude who is "batching it" for the weekend while your romantic interest is out of town for business... your friends would take you out and keep you busy, but no one would ever suggest (I hope, unless you're in one of those strange group of friends who WANT to break up each other's relationships) that you should go chasing after any skirt you met.
Don't sit around the house until you're ready to date, but consider NOT being that stereotypical newly divorced lounge lizard on the prowl... go to the lounges if you want, but don't even think of doing anything other than enjoying the music and company.
And if you're out & about, when the time comes that you find a woman you enjoy talking to, you'll talk to her a little more and when the time comes for you to have a relationship, it will happen.
It won't happen if you sit around the house and wish you were out & about... and maybe that's waht your friends are pushing you for. They want you out & about. They ALSO probably want to find a substitute girl for you, but you don't have to follow along just because they want that... go out with them, though.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1248
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I think sometimes people view dating differently. To me at this stage it's more important to go out and get your mind off things and have a good time. You have to do something for you at this point. If that means a date so be it. But think do think of the other person, they will not want to here your sad story. If you can't go out and not talk about the X or the divorce then your probly not ready. Going out to a bar to meet people and have a good time isn't really a date. Go do something for you.
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lonely14
Silver
Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 76
Loc: Midwest
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I think you should try informally and then you will know if you are ready. I went on a few dates last month and while it was nice to do something social I felt like I was cheating on him. I went home feeling guilty. I shouldn't as he is still with the woman he had an affair with and they now live together.
That is what I needed to realize it was too soon. Plus I haven't been on a date since I have been 21. I now know that most men in their 30's without kids do not want to hold a conversation about all the funny/cute things my son can do.  go figure.....
I decided the only man in my life that I need is about 3 feet tall and calls me "mom"
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It is the little things that matter the most.
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Tatakai
Silver
Reged: 06/29/08
Posts: 52
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Quote:
I think you should try informally and then you will know if you are ready. I went on a few dates last month and while it was nice to do something social I felt like I was cheating on him. I went home feeling guilty. I shouldn't as he is still with the woman he had an affair with and they now live together.
That is what I needed to realize it was too soon. Plus I haven't been on a date since I have been 21. I now know that most men in their 30's without kids do not want to hold a conversation about all the funny/cute things my son can do. go figure.....
I decided the only man in my life that I need is about 3 feet tall and calls me "mom"
I guess that is me in a lot of ways. I talk about my son constantly and he is my whole world and why I wake up in the morning each day. Unless she wants to talk kids right now I wouldn't know what else to talk about really. Not ready to date or even go out right now. I have been talking to some and not ready for that even.
Tatakai
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julestn
Bronze
Reged: 06/14/08
Posts: 44
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Hi
You have done a good question, it’s really interesting. If you get any good reply, so please let me know. So I’ll also get some good idea.
Thanks for your future help.
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Dating Tips
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justmejulia
Gold
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 186
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Quote:
Hi
You have done a good question, it’s really interesting. If you get any good reply, so please let me know. So I’ll also get some good idea.
Thanks for your future help.
Oh for god's sake..your grammer is awful. Where are you from?
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5059
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Julia, it's a spammer... someone who is clueless but only has a motive to get their post to the top of the pile so maybe someone will click on thier dating website. The spammers come here from time to time because they figure out that a bunch of divorcing people will be a great pool of potential visitors to their site... but think of what kind of person it takes to do this... get hired by a startup website on dating and try to infiltrate a divorce support forum to get some free advertising...
These are not the most educated people in the world... clerks hired to say trite stuff like, "that's really interesting, thanks for the information"... when there's nothing interesting, no information that they'd even remotely be interested in... JUST to get their name and link into the thread.
ICK.
Used to be, there were administrators on this site we could get to ban them. But I think these days we're kind of like a ship without a captain, sailing around without administrators to keep anyone on course. Self-navigated... and with no way to toss someone overboard.
Oh well... gotta give em credit for trying... but a dating site flooded with recent divorcees who aren't sure they're even ready to MEET someone new, let alone DATE? Not exactly a high percentage website to join if you want results!
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scbeck
Platinum
Reged: 12/29/07
Posts: 851
Loc: New Brunswick Canada
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Quote:
The hardest part of this topic, for me, is that I have no desire to date, but I have a heavy desire to WANT to date. I want to feel like I can move on, and can be socially successful after being rejected by the person I loved the most. Its hard to sit at home every weekend when I know there are millions of people out there meeting other people and having a great time, but I still feel "married" when I go out with my single friends.
I don't know if anyone has any idea what I am talking about here, but I feel like people have the "married vibe" or the "single vibe" about them. And I still feel like when I am in a social setting, I still project the "married vibe." Obviously this doesn't hold true for some people - we have all heard stories of men and women who have cheated on their spouse dozens of times and never bat an eye. Many of the partners they have picked up never even knew they were married. But I certainly don't have that trait in my personality. So I think for me, I will wake up one morning, hopefully sooner but probably later, and feel "single" again. And I will know I can start dating.
Matt you put into words the way I have been feeling. I am 8 months out and I desperately want to meet someone new but I also have no interest in putting myself in that situation either. I want the real thing but I am afraid to put my heart out there again(sadly this will be my third try as I had a divorce when I was very young). Even though I am 8 months in I have still not been to court yet and nothing has been settled so I think these issues have to be addressed before I would be emotionally ready to date.
Christine
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
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julestn
Bronze
Reged: 06/14/08
Posts: 44
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Hmmm!!! Thanks for the amazing information, nice job!
Thank you!
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Dating Tips
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