mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3116
Loc: Florida
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She is so frustrating.
The clothing issue is getting ridiculous and it all comes down to dad & step-mom trying to save a few dollars.
After asking them to purchase one pair of better shoes rather than the two pair that they are supposed to purchase, they said okay as long as it was under $20 as that's the most they spend on 2 pairs...ridiculous, I asked for them just to send me the $20 and I would purchase a pair as I knew the pair N wanted at Walmart would be around $25. We are not talking about name brand here...so N shows her the shoes at Walmart and she sends me several e-mails stating that they didn't buy it because I said I was going to buy him $60 name brand ones which wasn't what I had said. Fine, whatever got that straightened out and she says she'll buy him the pair.
Now she tells me she purchased the shorts & shirts, my only question was to my son if he would wear what she bought and he stated yes...great. I didn't care that they were each on sale for $3 each, but if we do the math on it then they have spent $35. I had also asked that they send me the $$ for his jeans as I found last years pair with the tags still on (size 14husky for $9.99), which made sense on why I kept having to purchase more clothing & shoes than expected not the cost but the size.
She told me she purchased him 16husky this year...my son is NOT HUSKY, at 13 he weighs 105 pounds and is taller than me. She is buying him kid sizes to try and save money.
ughhh...WTH, it's frikkin ridiculous.
I swear that next year I'm going to tell them just to forget it. Supposedly they spend $150 on clothes, I'm seeing $75 being spent on clothing and it's crap that won't fit.
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**4 weeks to go**
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Starion
Gold
Reged: 03/04/08
Posts: 122
Loc: South Florida
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You can't control (nor should try) what clothes they buy. If you want certain clothes than buy them yourself with no expected contribution and give them to him.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3116
Loc: Florida
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You misunderstand the frustration...it's in lieu of child support because that's what THEY wanted to do. Before that time I did not ask them to contribute.
I will never again agree to them purchasing clothing instead of just sending child support as it obviously doesn't work out and they are wasting their money purchasing crap. Plus it's frustrating on my end to see them purchase stuff that doesn't fit my son properly yet listen to how they "contributed".
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**4 weeks to go**
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Starion
Gold
Reged: 03/04/08
Posts: 122
Loc: South Florida
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IMO nothing should ever be negotiated in lui of CS. I've never heard of it working out to both parties satisfaction.
By the book / law for everything. Something in one parties life always seems to change and "the agreement" doesn't work for them.
JMO
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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I agree with Starion, who is saying what I've tried to say before. When you re-negotiate your support amount, you should try to get rid of these weird clauses. They are messing with your mind, and THEIR minds... and even though I've heard people saying they wanted to pay specific things on thier own in lieu of support so the KID knew that the parent was spending money on the kid, in THIS situation, it's not like the money being spent is going to impress the kid as being a good investment in his wardrobe! I mean, if Dad was saying, I spend AT LEAST $150 per year on clothing for the kid... and then was saying to the kid, "hey, I only have to spend $150 per year on clothes for you but look at how great I am, spending $300 this year for you"... then maybe... but if you say the guy is supposed to buy 1 pair of shoes and 2 pairs of jeans... and it's for giving them the chance to be thrifty with the clothing rather than paying support... then you're going to get the thrift shop stuff if they can manage to slide it past you... the ill-fitting crap from the kids' husky department rather than adult clothing, and stuff like that.
It's not good when people start making these out-of-the-ordinary agreements. Almost never is it a good thing. Maybe if he was in private school and Dad paid for the uniforms... and a proportionate share of tuition.. .then MAYBE... but specifying 2 pairs of shoes, a pair of jeans, a shirt & shorts... that's just ... ripe for abuse of the concept.
But don't blame it all on step-mom. You used to be married to the guy. Is he a cheapskate? He was the idiot who adopted all her kids rather than makign their dads pay for thier support... to the detriment of his own birth children. I'd suspect he's given her a budget and she's trying to do her best within it... and her try to get by with sending husky pants is the best she can do.
It sounds like she may be between a rock & a hard place, and maybe even more ready to pull HER hair out than you're ready to pull yours. Give HER a break... it's his Dad who is responsible for this duty and it sounds like you're blaming the outcome on the stepmom, when ... well, even is stepmom was ruling the roost up there, he's the Dad and it's HIS responsibility to step up and resolve this in his birth childrens' best interest.
Which he has not done.
your best bet is to remove these clauses from the child support and take cash rather than clothing "in lieu of"
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3116
Loc: Florida
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Gigi, your right in regards to this also pertaining to dad being cheap...I guess I get frustrated directly with step-mom cause she's the one e-mailing, yet I should realize too that it's dads contribution.
That's where allowing the step-mom to be SOOO involved ends up reflectly poorly directly on herself in my perceptions since I forget that my ex is standing next to her. Interesting how that works when an ex-spouse isn't so worked up over having to deal with the new spouse of the ex and instead lets them be involved. I need to work better at seperating the fact that she has to be involved to a certain extent since she is a major influence in that household and holding my ex responsible for his own choices.
It's the word games that get me, everything gets twisted.
I know that the next agreement will not contain any "items".
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**4 weeks to go**
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golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
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Idea - When I was 13, I received a clothing allowance from my parents, usually doled out in the fall and (a smaller amount) at the beginning of summer. I was required to purchase a certain number of items with it - eg 2 pairs shoes, several pants and shirts, but was dropped off at the mall or Wal-mart equivalent for a few hours and allowed to search on my own. Maybe you can implement this with your son - have your ex & his wife contribute to a clothing allowance, and with a little guidance, your kid could get adequately outfitted with things he likes and that fit, while learning something at the same time.
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thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 52
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Another take...my husband's ex never sends their son with clothes. Usually it is a backpack filled with a pair of underwear, toothbrush, pjs, and the rest is his hand held nintendo and games. I shop for all four of our kids clothing at an upscale consignment shop. In the past we have taken him their to get clothes. The owner only accepts clothes that are in near mint condition. The store even has a teenager only section. We only see him six weeks a year so it is not like we can keep them at our house for the next visit because he has outgrown them. Anyhow, the ex claims that it is so disgusting to put her son in "used" clothing. Over the years it has gotten harder and harder to buy clothes for him there. Now my husband gives him a budget of $150 to purchase clothing. My husband is trying to instill in him the value of a dollar.
However, my husband recently received an email from the ex stating the following: "Surely with the small amount of child support you send (my husband sends $650 a month) you could increase the clothing budget to $1000. It may be acceptable for your other children to look like trash but not our son."
I want to reply that our children look very nice thank you. Common sense would tell you they grow way too fast to always be buying new clothing. But, it is not my place to say anything.
Sorry to get off subject issue but this clothing issue just sickens me sometimes.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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Have your husband reply, "all of my children are equally cherished and deserve equal treatment. How dare you suggest otherwise. He sees you 9/10 of the time and you choose not to send clothing when he comes to see me, so I will provide 1/10 of a wardrobe for him for use when he's at my house. Be happy that I allow him to take it home with him, something you are not good enough to permit. If you get to a point, ever, where you can consider being cooperative as a co-parent, maybe we could combine clothing budgets, but until then, I provide what is appropriate for my home and you provide what is appropriate for yours, and you shouldnt' dare to suggest to him or anyone that what I provide is not adequate, or that my other children deserve less from me than he does."
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golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
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LOVE your solution, Gigi!
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