jferparrott
New
Reged: 07/06/08
Posts: 16
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I am curious if anyone would have any advice on if I would be making the right decision if I was to opt for divorce. My husband and I have been very unhappy for sometime now, and things are good for a couple of weeks and then it just goes back to being horrible again. We have tried counseling and it seemed to be starting to make a difference, but then we hit a wall, and the therapist explained that if we keep going the way we are it's just going to end up in hating each other and having resentment for one another. It ended by him telling us that we both had to being willing to change and be the best spouse we could because we wanted too, not because the other was saying so. I have been trying ever since. As far as my husband is concerned, it almost seems like he was trying really hard until he got comfortable again and relized me leaving him wasn't in the near future. We were doing okay for a little while but then things just started going down hill again. I have reconnected with an old friend who is in the same situation I am, miserable but doesn't want to leave because of the children. He makes me feel good about myself which hasn't happened in a long while, but I just don't know if divorce is the right answer, for the kids sake at least. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3234
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Stop seeing the other man. You are married, he is married.
You need to decide if you want to save your marriage (which seeing the other man won't help) or get a divorce.
If your husband isn't willing to work on the marriage, then there isn't much you can do about it other than choose to live that way or get out. Having an affair will only make matters worse.
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jferparrott
New
Reged: 07/06/08
Posts: 16
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I think that I gave off the wrong impression. I am not seeing another man, he is just a friend that I talk too. And I have been trying to work on my marraige, but I do not want to live this way anymore. I guess when it comes down to it the question I have is there really any hope that he will decide to change or will things just keep going the way they are? And when you have three kids invovled it gets even more complicated, and I am just not sure what is best anymore.
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 650
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Quote:
I have reconnected with an old friend who is in the same situation I am, miserable but doesn't want to leave because of the children. He makes me feel good about myself which hasn't happened in a long while, but I just don't know if divorce is the right answer, for the kids sake at least. Does anyone have any suggestions?
You are not having an affair .....yet. This seems to be the way most women start though. Just a friend that makes them feel better, then they want to spend more time, then etc etc. Be very carefull of the slippery slope you are on at this time, you are in a very vulnerable state and may do something you will later regret and otherwise would never even think about doing.
Concerning your questions though: Divorce is pure hell and should be avoided at all costs, unless there is abuse invovled. That is just my belief but from someone that went through it (signed finals in May) I can see the effects on my children already. It may be the correct decision but I never sugar coat the problems that you will incounter. Just read some of the posts in life after forum and you will get a glimpse of what you will be dealing with. Divorce is ugly, nasty, and filled with anger; such a thing could only be created by man or the devil himself (I'm not sure which is capable of more evil these days).
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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jeanpc
Silver
Reged: 07/06/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Hell, no kidding (az)
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your story sounds very similar to mine(except for the friend being married). my husband did not respect me or appreciate me, things would change short term and then go back to the way it was. i did'nt want to be in the same situation 6 months from then, 1 year from then or 5 years from then and i knew it would be. he was not going to change, he just did'nt get it. i've been divorced for almost 1 1/2 years. i will tell you, it is hell. i am no happier now that i'm divorced. i am lonely, i still miss my ex. i have 2 kids that i'm raising by myself most of the time. it's hard. i don't get alot of alone time, i have to do without lots of things, money is tight. i would do what ever you can to save your marriage, if that's been done, than you have a tough decision. talk to your family, your friends, get as much support as you can, you will need it. good luck. you can do it on your own, but it is hard work.
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jferparrott
New
Reged: 07/06/08
Posts: 16
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I know that a divorce would be nothing short of hard and messy, although we have talked about it in the past and do agree that we would work together to make it right with the kids. I guess in reality I am just not sure when to say enough is enough. We don't have combined finances, it's always his money and his stuff, he drinks more frequently than most. I get screamed at if I take the kids out to do something fun, as opposed to staying home cleaning 24/7. He refuses to help out around the house, not even yard work unless it's after a fight. I guess when it comes down to it I feel like I am doing it alone already. I almost feel like the kids could possible benefit from a divorce, because then their father would be forced to spend time with them on his own.
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twins1
Silver
Reged: 06/26/08
Posts: 68
Loc: PA
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I have the same problem right now. wondering if we should stay for the kids or not. i also don't think things will get better and now that my girls (age 10) are getting older I really fear the example that i am setting for them. this is not the way a marriage should be and i am afraid that I am showing them this wrong example of a marriage. we don't fight alot - just don't speak. ours could be an amicable divorce (I think) so I feel that may be better for them. Then I read these posts about how awful it will be and think "well we've been living this way for 5 yrs now I guess we can keep it up" But also - it is getting worse - I think we are starting to hate each other. Sometime I look at him and I see the disgust on his face and I think "boy you really do hate me".
So what to do???????? I don't have a clue - I just wish I could make a damn decision!
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twinsmom
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jessedanielle
New
Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 8
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I too am in the same boat. Nothing is extremely horrid. But, we'll have a huge fight then it will be calm for a couple of days. I kind of feel like we are just barely getting by and not happily. I see a couple of options.
First off I could just through the towel in and admit that the last 7 years of my life were just tossed away (besides having my two wonderful children whom I love with all my heart) I am a child of divorce and know that the damage is truly unfixable with the kids, even if it is a friendly divorce.
Or, I could stay in it for the kids... but what kind of example is that for them? See a husband and wife with a ton of tension and anger faking it the majority of the time. I want to raise boys that turn into men and treat their women with the love, friendship, respect and faith that marriages should be built on.
I also could pretend that everything is peachy. Put a smile on my face and do all that I can to make life perfectly happy for my husband. (I've done this before and it worked we had about six months where he seemed genuinely happy) But one can only pretend for so long....
And last but not least, get some help. He is refusing to go to see a counsellor with me. (says that it is our marriage and no stranger is going to be able to do anything that we can't do ourself) But I have an appointment scheduled for myself next Monday.
Don't know if it will really help but at least I feel like I am doing something. Trying to make peace with myself and whatever decision ultimately comes out of this.
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jferparrott
New
Reged: 07/06/08
Posts: 16
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So I have let some time go by and this is the conclusion that I have come to.
Okay, so the million dollar question. Where do I go from this point? Just a brief review: I have been married for a little over seven years. We have 3 children together. We have had our ups and downs over the years, but the downs definitely outweigh the ups. But, I have tried and tried for the kids. It is getting to the point where I am not sure how much longer I can do this.
We went to counseling, and that really just ended in us hurting each other that much more. The counseler pretty much said that there was nothing more counseling could do for us, until we were both ready to make changes because we wanted too, not because that's what the counelor had said.
So I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last week or so, actually a lot longer, but more seriously over the last week, and I have come to the conclusion That I truly believe that the marraige is over. There had been too much fighting and too much hurt, and I truly believe in my heart that it is no longer fixable.
I tried bringing it up last night in a conversation that I had with him, he acted like I didn't even say anything and went back to talking about something completely different. I don't know what else to do?
So that brings us back to the million dollar question....Where do I go from here?
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4836
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When you tried to bring it up, exactly what do you mean? Do you mean that you said, "I want a divorce" and he changed the subject... or do you mean you said, "I'm not happy", after 6 weeks of not talking about it and him maybe thinking things had gotten OK, and he didn't want to deal with it again.
Oh, I don't know that it matters. You need to NEVER talk about this in front of the kids, get yourself to a lawyer, think through how you're going to make ends meet with out his income and how your kids are going to manage living in two different houses (will they go home from school to a different house every other week? Will you be driving to pick up the kids at each other's houses ever few days or so?) How will you divide up the household property and find a way to afford two different houses? Are you or he going to need to find a better job with higher pay in order to do this, or are you going to sell the house you're in & buy two smaller places?
File for divorce and present him with a reasonable settlement offer where you share a fair amount of time with the kids, a fair amount of the current property, and make plans for living on your own income as soon as practicable.
TRY to be nice about it. TRY not to fuss & fume and ask the kids to take sides. Tell him that you want to be amicable about it and you will get a lawyer to draft up agreements to make it happen. Good luck.
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