jeanpc
Silver
Reged: 07/06/08
Posts: 86
Loc: Hell, no kidding (az)
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i have been divorced for almost 1 1/2 years. i have not dated yet, i'm just not ready. i found out that my ex is dating. i feel very hurt. i know i have no right to feel that way, he has every right to date, my head gets it, but my heart does'nt. i guess since i have not dated and am in no way ready to date, then he should'nt either. i know. it's foolish. is this normal to feel this way?
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newlife123
Gold
Reged: 11/04/07
Posts: 188
Loc: phila suburb-PA
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yes, it hurts but there is no cure but time.
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 770
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My ex was dating while we were married. I guess you can be happy he waited! I know it hurts. But imagine him with an ugly skank! That is what I do and it works!
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2962
Loc: a melted glacier
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You are right ..... at this point your ex has every right to date. You are also right that if you are not ready, you should not date yet.
The pain, is also normal. Look it is another nail in a coffin you thought buried. Another thing to adjust to.
You will make it through this.
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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Kent is right... on eway of explaining that for every new thing that happens, there will be a little fresh pain as you learn how to adjust to the new thing, as you grieve fresh for the new situation.
But luckily, the grief process is quicker with every new thing that arises.
A year & a half & you're not ready yet? How long were you married and how did the breakup take place? Are you (or were you) harboring hopes of reconciliation, fantasies that he'd be there if you could figure out how to work your way around to it again? Maybe he did things that encouraged you to believe this or did not discourage you from it?
It took me a long time to recover and really be ready to date, but I was dating before I was ready... not like there was any reason not to other than that my mind was a mess. I did not harbor feelings of reconciliation so much as my ex messed up my ego to a point where I had a hard time thinking anyone would ever want me. It took a long time for me to understand that he was a mess and he had to make me feel like a mess just to make himself feel better. Once I understood that, it got easier.
I guess what I'm saying is that there are lots of reasons for being ready to date, lots of reasons a person would not be ready. But a year & a half after the divorce is final is kind of a long time to be experiencing it this freshly, so I'm wondering if there is something more behind it than straightforward grief for the loss fo the relationship... .
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2962
Loc: a melted glacier
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as Gigi said -- looking at WHY you are not ready to date is important. I too am not ready yet. For me ... it is NOT about wanting to be with my ex. It is about making sure that I can trust ME. That I can trust my newfound barriers and boundaries.
Are you not ready because you are making sure that your new life is stable? Are you making sure that you can count on you? Just having troubles finding someone? or has Gigi said, is it more out of a desire for your ex?
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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jeanpc
Silver
Reged: 07/06/08
Posts: 86
Loc: Hell, no kidding (az)
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i was married for 9 years. we have 2 kids. i think i still have hope that he will "wake up" and see what he lost. he did'nt apprecaite me or respect me, i know this. my head gets it, but i still want my kids to have a "normal family". i have'nt dated because i can't imagine being with someone else. i also have my kids to think of. i just am not ready to date.
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 642
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Mine is sporting a new engagement ring, divorce was final on May 14,2008, feel better? Even after I signed the papers I had hopes she to would come to her senses but it seemed I got the sense in the divorce decree. The only thing we can do is what we feel we need to, we cannot and should not try to control our ex's behaviors.
Sending some peacefull thoughts your way
Rob
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2962
Loc: a melted glacier
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jean --- let's be blunt.
Your kids do have a NORMAL family. The divorce will actually allow for greater stability in their lives than a crap disrespectful marriage. Heck -- as a kid, my life did not make sense UNTIL my folks got divorced.
Him ... wake up??? Sorry ... not going to happen. He is done. He has moved on. It has been YEARS. Time to let go.
Now if you are not ready to date ... that is fine. Holding out for someone who does not want to be married to you, who has already divorced you, has MOVED ON beyond you .... that is not healthy for YOU or the KIDS.
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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newlife123
Gold
Reged: 11/04/07
Posts: 188
Loc: phila suburb-PA
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Jean- please don't hold your breath waiting for him to change. Your kids want you happy and your not getting married to your next date. Your just becoming you again, you deserve to be happy. I am going through the same thing and then I was out and someone said something very sweet to me and it shocked me. They saw me as a woman not his wife not someone's mother, as a real woman. It took me to realize that life goes on and why should I be in a cage I alone out myself in. You aren't talking about marriage just a movie, let yourself live! It easy to stay put in the same old skin but you and your kids deserve a happy mom and you are in charge of that. Don't let him decide when you begin living.
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