hispoohbear
Bronze
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 47
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As some of you may or may not remember from last year (since I lurk more than I post)my husband and his X have an agreement to throw joint birthday parties for their daughter. We want to change this because X is not welcome in our home. We don't want to keep having parties outside our home because it is getting expensive, and SD is getting to the age where she wants to have sleepovers (she is turning 10 this year). Last year it was the X's turn to have the party and she was going to have a party in her home. We tried to change it then by saying we are not really comfortable in your home and besides, SD is getting to the age where the party is all about friends, not parents and little sister (who would be so uncomfortable, it would put a damper on the party). But she changed and basically had 2 parties, one at the park for us and SD's friends, then they all went to her house, without us and had a sleepover.
What we would like to do is change the parties to whose ever year it is throws the big party with all the friends, the other has a little family thing. We feel this is the most fair and doesn't give SD too much special treatment. So how do we say this to the X? This is what I am thinking so far...
X,
We would like to talk about the up coming birthday party. While it seemed like a good idea at the time, we think that joint birthday parties are uncomfortable and inappropriate. S is getting to the age where the park and other free options aren't really fun for her anymore, and it's not fair to either of us to have to have it outside the home with the expense. Plus, she is at the age where parties are all about friends and sleepovers, not parents and adults.
So we would like to change the party thing to be the parent's whose year it is (us evens, you odds) throws the big party with the friends, etc. on their weekend and the other parent has a family type celebration on their time. For example, on our off years, we would probably take her out to dinner and let her pick the restaurant.
Is there anything else I should add? She generally takes offense to our emails no matter how they are worded, but we are trying here. (For a while, she even was trying to insist on no more email, but we don't want to communicate in any other way. Get it in writing we say). Is it nice enough? Would you take offense?
Thanks
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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Let me start from scratch rather than add:
X,
We think DD should have the benefit of having separate celebrations of her birthday with each parent. We propose having the same schedule for whoever is having the larger party that involves her friends, and the other parent would have a smaller celebration on a different day for her. We think she would like the chance to have an extra celebration and it would be nice for her. This way, we can each, as her parents, control the costs of the events to whatever works with our own budgets, and maybe arrange other fun things like weekend trips or whatever. It would be easier for us to be creative with it if we handled it separately like this and didn't have to worry about whether the other parent would be participating.
We also think she is getting old enough that she can feel the tension between us when we're all trying to celebrate her birthday together, and that would make this a better idea. The idea of doing it all together was great at first and worked for a long time, but it just seems that it's time to change that tradition.
This year, we'll be planning the party with her friends which will include a sleepover at our house on her birthday. Feel free to plan whatever separate party you choose, but we expect you will not expect her same friends to participate and give gifts at two different parties. That would not be fair to her friends or their parents. Next year, you will be the one who has the party with friends and we'll have the quiet family event, and so on.
For her birthday party, we will pick her up at XXX from your house as in the parenting plan. We'll keep her until XXX and then you can pick her up at XXX for your parenting time after the party.
Thank you for understanding."
I put it this way because I just don't think you need as much explanation about how embarassing it is for the kid to have to deal with her parents being uncomfortable at a party together, or hear details of how much money you do or do not want to spend on the party. I know every time we try to say something to my husband's ex about cooperating in an effort to cut costs, her first move is to find a way to spend the savings for us... "since you were able to save $300 on taxes by contributing $600 to their charity camps this year, I told the kids you'd be paying for another week of camp for them for another $300."... or, "since you saved five bucks on birthdays this year by baking a cake instead of buying one from a store, I told them that you'd get them IPOd Videos for Christmas. X wants the blue one and Y wants the pink one with yellow polka dots. You can get it at Best Buy for just $2,000 instead of $4,000. I've enclosed the coupon for your convenience."
Yeah, it always SOUNDS like a savings when she makes these "suggestions", but it ALWAYS ends up with her finding a way to spend our $5 savings plus an extra thousand or two above it.
We've learned just never to mention finances at all. She has no right to spend our money for us or to promise the kids on how we'll spend it on them. If it were up to her, they'd have no college fund, we'd have no retirement savings, and she'd be able to play tennis all day rather than have to work a 20 hour week.
Actually, I've found that with her, the less said, the better. If it were my husband writing the letter to HIS ex, I'd probably suggest: "we'll be picking up X for her birthday party at 6 pm as in the parenting plan. She'll be availble for you to pick up the next morning at 10 am. Since we have the birthday this year, we'll be having the party with her friends. We trust that you'll celebrate in your own way with a more private family celebration on a different date so that you don't impose on her friends & thier parents for a second party or gift, which would not be fair to her for her friends to be put out like that. Next year, unless we hear otherwise, we expect you would have the party with her friends."
And if I really felt an explantion was necessary, I'd say, "She's at an age where parties are more about the friends than the parents, so we will not be having a party for the adults. This year, we will just be having her friends and enough of the adults to supervise." And THEn I'd say when we'd be picking her up & returnig her, which would be according to the parenting plan (which I HOPE was written with the intent that it be separate and not the expectation that htye'd always have to do it together. Otherwise, you'll have to re-negotiate this if the ex doesnt' agree to it!)
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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I don't know if I'd put that it's uncomfortable or inappropriate...just state that you'd like to look at different options, you don't have to state such a personal opinion as to why you don't want to do it anymore. Also ask if they have another suggestion or preference in what to do. Giving them the opportunity to respond with their own suggestion might make them feel like they are making the decision instead of being controlled by yours...same outcome, just slightly different perspective.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1629
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When you say that they have an agreement? Is it verbal? Is it actually written in the agreement?
If it is verbal, then just offer up this year as the first year that you aren't going to do it.
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hispoohbear
Bronze
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 47
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It is actually writen in the agreement to have a joint celebration. I think the wording is something like "we agree to have a joint birhtday celebration, with dad hosting on even years and mom on odd years". We filled out a parenting agreement that we found through the Alaska Court system and it was a box we could check. It seemed like a good idea 3 years ago when they moved back up here and we were all getting along. We did not imagine that she would go crazy once every 9 to 12 months and try to crap all over me, our family and the parenting agreemtent. So after the last time, we cut all ties except those dealing directly with SD. That is why we don't want to have a joint birthday party. Plus, SD is starting to notice we are all uncomfortable around each other, and she really is at the age where we should just have kids and not adults at the party.
I will definatly incorporate some of the things you said Gigi. I actually included the expenses thing because she complained about that last year. I mean she essentially had 2 parties last year, with the park and then the sleepover. Thanks for the advice.
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momto5
New
Reged: 07/17/08
Posts: 15
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No, I think that is fine. I share 4 children with my X and we decided to alternate years to do the kid party...we each get 2 per year. There is no comingling and it flows just fine.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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lol! I have the feeling if the original poster's husband and his ex were blessed with 4 children to make parties for every year, it'd be probably enough of an extra burden that they'd not have any problems at all in divvying up the duties and not demanding that they be allowed to attend each other's parties every time!
I'm very critical of people who keep having kids and then complain about teh various burdens of having so many kids... but the ones who are practical about it and handle things ... like you're doing with divvying up the birthday parties and not giving each other grief about it... are something to admire. Larger families can be fun, and a great thing, if you're practical about it!
The problem with "only child" syndrome is exaggerated if the parents are separated. THe kid gets one on one attention from each parent, concentrated, in an EXTREME when the parents are separated ... and in the case of this original poster, I can see how the kid could get QUITE spoiled, with parents competing each to make each birthday MORE FUN than the last one.
My own stepkids... the girl gets Mom's full attention all the time, the boys are kind of shoved aside. Even birthdays... mama will spend THOUSANDS to get the house and yard ready for a big party full of screaching teen girls... while the boys are lucky if they get a present and any special notice at dinner time. It's like my husband's ex has enough energy to handle over-doing just ONE kid, and she's chosen her clear favorite to do that with, rather than trying to manage all three with lesser pomp & circumstance but more equally.
I really admire parents who are more realistic, don't overdo it, and are willing to share the burdens and joys even after they're separated. There are too many who don't!
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hispoohbear
Bronze
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 47
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I agree Gigi. It would almost be easier if they had had even one more kid. SD is the X's only child and probably the only one she will ever have. So she has a need to be involved in EVERYTHING. The only child syndrome is a definate factor here. We have acknowledged that, and do not get involved in the competition. Her mom is a Disney Mom, makes everything into a big deal, buys her new clothes every month (she does not need them), takes her on a trip out of state for everyo birthday (Disney, Hawaii, and Las Vegas were the past 3 years). We just don't do that. It's too much effort to compete. We just hope that the memories we make at home, the park, whatever doing fun family things will be enough.
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