Divorce Support Forums: the accidental date, fun, and confusion.

Lots of people choose to date without emotional commitment, but I tend to think that's a cop-out (if the person is really over their divorce). I think it's nearly impossible not to let emotions get into it. Think of it, I've talked about how casual sex is never that casual... there's usually one or the other person hoping for more, and there are hormones that happen during sex (more if it's good sex, of course), which naturally cause us to want the emotional bond with the person we're with. If all it is, is a casual FWB thing, then it's no more than scratching an itch and you might as well find one of the do-it-yourself methods of getting the same physiological response, because the possibility of unwanted emotional entanglements would not arise.

But beyond the sex thing... BEFORE the sex thing... it's natural to want to have a companion that you would like to spend lots of time with, to have someone that you can becoem emotionally bonded to for the long term. If you are afraid of the emotional bond, is it possible that you have a history of such emotional closeness resulting in something painful, scary, uncontrollable? Is it possible that the one relationship that you had in your life where you felt that really deep zing that goes with TRUE long term emotional bonding... that it turned out to be a bad thing for you?

If so, then it makes sense that you fear the possibility of that happening again. A LOT of sense. But the solution is not to make a hard & fast rule not to move towards the long term relationship (LTR) that others might want... and the solution is NOT to keep them at arm's length till you feel a little bonding and then flee as quickly as possible. The solution is to let yourself go outside of your comfort zone a tiny bit at a time, understanding that this is something that scares you but being willing to allow it to continue. The solution is to examine what it is that signals the "flight" response in you... is it the grope session? Is it sex? Is it the pressure to have that? If so, then this is a lot different than fear of a LTR, this is fear of what sex does to you... or him... or your reputation... or... well, sex has a whole lot of things involved and all mixed up with morality & such. Especially if you are attracted to the bad boys but pushing them away when it's time for sex, there's no better way of making certain you never have to confront being emotionally attached to someone because you'll never get there.

Or is it that, now that you've had your kids, you don't see a purpose to a long term relationship... you don't want more kids... they already have a dad & you don't want a new dad in thier lives... and you have found out with a jolt that having a man in your life does not necessarily equate with financial security... so you've decided there's no purpose for long term any more, so why open yourself up to disappointment? Well... think that one through to it's natural end... you end up without a partner in life, with only casual companions for an occasional saturday afternoon where you get renewed faith that you are considered attractive to others, but where you don't have to think in terms of risking your heart. You depend only upon yourself and that's fine becasue you don't want to risk losing half of all you own. If that's really want you want, recognize that life is harder without a partner, and most people realize that so most people are looking to band together and divide up the responsibilities of everyday life so that everyone gets to do more of the stuff they're good at (I'm GREAT at emptying the dishwasher & putting everything back in it's place, my husband is good at making certain everything is rinsed & put INTO the dishwasher.)

Examine what it is that you're attracted to and whether it's possible to find that in the same body that you would find a NICE person who would treat you WELL on an ongoing basis (rather than sucking you in and then once you're caught and emotionally vulnerable, starting to act like a jerk & hurting you).

There's a whole lot involved with tryign to figure out how to move forward in dating without becoming ... well, I used to use the term "scary old cat lady" (even though I'm allergic to cats) because I had this vision of keeping everyone at arms length for the rest of my life and becoming so independent and never really needing anyone else any more... take that out to it's natural conclusion... what kind of person ends up at age 70, having had one divorce at age 30-something and never having a stable relationship since that time? What kind of woman ends up alone at that age... uninterested in love? To me, that would be scary old cat lady. I would be the house on halloween that the kids would dare each other to go ring the bell becasue I was so scary. I did not want that, but I dind't know how to get past it.

It takes some work and looking around and being open to the possibilities. It takes deciding that it's ok to take a risk from time to time!

OK... and from the guys's point of view... this one seems to want a relationship. He's patiently waiting till you are over your ex and willing to take a risk in your life again, he wants a partnership, someone to have fun with. He's not being THAT patient, because this has all happened in one weekend.

It is going quickly. I used to tell guys who wanted to move too fast that a fire that burns too brightly burns out fast, and I didn't want that, so it was a question of slowing down or stopping. The intense feelings that happen at the very beginning of a relationship are fun, and tough to deny... but eventually everyone needs to back off and go back to their daily drudgery of everyday life... while you're on the motorcycle, riding around town & kissing & stuff, the laundry & dishes are not being done... and neither are his... and sooner or later, the business of everyday life will intrude on this. It won't be as exciting as at first. Some people interpret that as meaning that they're no longer attracted and they flee immediately. Others get the feeling that they're losing something wonderful and they cling (freaking out the other person). If they understadn that this is just a natural part of the progression of developing a relationship, they can kind of calm down and let it work... and once the laundry that's gotten piled up has been resolved, they can go back to starting something a little more regular and a little less intense than the initial attraction thing... and see if it develops...

I suspect you are fleeing either the minute you start having that little bit of doubt and needing to get back to your responsibilities of daily life... OR you flee the minute it starts to look like maybe it might work out but at a more reasonable and steady pace???

Part of the problem of being recently divorced is that it sometimes feels like the next relationship is all or nothing... that you're either looking to start your next commitment immediately, or you believe you never wnat to go through that again. We meet someone and immediately jump ahead a year or two, envisioning whether we want to walk down the aisle with this one or that... and it freaks us out becasue we're NOT READY to consider that yet with anyone... and certainly not with this one we've only met yesterday.

I'd suggest that for this guy, things are moving a little fast... he took advantage of the fact that you had free time this weekend and then there's going to be 2 weeks before he can see you again. He may move on in taht time or he might stick around and get together with you in 2 weeks. Either way, it's not going to feel as fast as it was this past few days... and that might EITHER make him feel like you're not interested enough for him to make the effort OR it's going to make him more interested.

Good thing about dating adults is that you've got less free time... there is more business involved in daily life... between paying mortgages and raising kids & such, that there's almost a forced thing that makes you slow down... more than when you were in high school or college and there were no kids involved, no mortgages to pay, and the ONLY business that might sit if you didn't pay attention for a few weeks was the laundry.

This thing was fast, but not too fast... just a natural progression of meeting someone you're attracted to and wanting to make use of the time you've got now because it's going to be a few weeks till you meet again.

Relax, see where the journey takes you without assuming that it's going to end up with the entanglements of sex, a trip down the aisle, arguments, infidelity or a difficult divorce. If you don't think quite so far ahead, maybe you'll not feel the need to stop a relationship before it has even a chance to start.

And it's perfectly OK to have a point in your life when your'e simply not ready for considering long term commitment... but understand that if you and he are at different points in your life wehre that goes, he might not stick around to be your casual, flirtatious companion when what he really wants is more and you've made it clear that you will not consider more. If that happens, it's just a ships that pass in the night kind of thing... sailing in different directions... not something to worry about... but maybe to think... SOME DAY, maybe you'll want to turn your ship around and start sailing in the direction of wanting more.

For now, relax and have fun.