dermeg82
New
Reged: 08/09/08
Posts: 4
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Hi,
I am new to this post and I found this site after another fight with my husband. We have been married for 4 years, together for 6. He works and I stay at home with our 15 month old son since we live about 25-30 miles from any good jobs and daycare is expensive. It actually makes no sense for me to work and I have explained this to him. While I am home I run a business and a website for it and I also resell on Ebay. I do all of this while taking care of our son and the daily duties in the house. I try my best to keep up with everything and no, the house is not always clean but I have to pick up after him and I get no help with anything, I have dinner on the table or close to it when he comes home but usually it is never good enough for him. I feel like I am constantly compared to his mom and her cooking. I really don't care to cook but I do it for him. He makes me feel like I can't do anything right and I don't have any sense. He belittles me because I don't go to work but I have proven to him that I can make more money from home and raise our child. We fight all of the time, there for a while it was every weekend. We also have issues with his parents telling us what we need to do and sticking their noses in our business. They always complain about not seeing their grandchild but they live maybe 10 miles away and they can't come see him. It is always up to us to go see them, especially on Sundays and then they get mad if we dare go and do something together as a family. He has no back bone to stand up to them. I have had several different problems with his mother. Basically its like he is blaming me for our problems and if I would just do to suit him then everything would be okay. I am so tired of fighting that I told him tonight that I am done, if he can not show me some respect and treat me like a person then I quit. I hate to because we do have a son and I think that I still love him but I just know that I can not live like this anymore fighting all of the time and then he expects me to change and do everything his way. Sorry to go on and on, it probably doesn't make any sense and I know there is more that we fight about, most of it really stupid. I think that he is trying to be controlling because his dad seems to be controlling...like father like son. Anyway thanks for letting me vent, I just don't know what to do.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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No it makes perfect sense. I remember my marriage being in this place. Unfortunately I was unable to find any way out of it except divorce. We were able to get relief by setting up regular time to spend with each other - go out on dates. I know that's hard to do with a 15 month old but that's probably part of what's thrown things off balance here.
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dermeg82
New
Reged: 08/09/08
Posts: 4
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Wow!! My marriage is over! I am completely devastated about this, I know that we do not always get along but I always felt like if both of us could work on it then we could some how pull through it. I guess not. I told him that I do not want to be treated like some idiot and then he comes right back at me saying that I act like one. I am just so tired of being put down and made to feel like I am never good enough. Just because I work at home I am a nobody and I know nothing. He told me today that he knew that we wouldn’t make it and he doesn’t want to get back together. I know that I am not perfect, trust me. I have my faults, but according to him a lot is my fault and he doesn’t have any. He does not understand the time involved with raising a child, trying to take care of a household, running business and now try to eBay. I do cook for him but it is never anything good, yea sometimes I cheat and make a frozen pizza but that is not that often. I just give up, I feel like I have to tippy toe around him so he doesn’t get mad about something. I have given up but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t killing me inside. I was crying and he wanted to know why I was crying, HELLO!! We are getting a divorce and I am supposed to act like nothing is wrong, we are throwing away 4 years of marriage and being together for 6 and I am not supposed to be upset? And the most important is Eli. It kills me that he won’t have a normal family life. How do you try and work on a marriage if you seem to be the only one working on it? Ok I am done venting for tonight.
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WittyUserName
Silver
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 58
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If it were just you and him, you'd have a shot at putting things back together again. But when it's a 3 vs. 1 fight, that's tough to overcome.
I guess the big concern here is whether the in-laws from hell are pushing him to end the marriage -- sounds like that might be the case here.
I'd say get a lawyer -- FAST -- because if my hunch is right on the above, I wouldn't put it past them to fight for custody of your child.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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"Wow!! My marriage is over!"
I see that you're having a big fight. The marriage is not over until you both cool down and at least one of you takes the deliberate step of filing for and pushing the divorce through. You owe it to your child to think this through before taking that step.
My conflict skills were not so good. I would jump to dramatic conclusion just because we were fighting. Fighting is fighting. Fighting is not the end in itself. It is difficult to beleive or even see that with your emotions running so high.
The general and mutual lack of respect and appreciation is a typical way for a marriage to go South. It's a deep hole you've dug together. The first rule of holes is to stop digging. Find a friend, lawyer counselor or clergyman that can help one or the both of you deal with this situation more productively.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1317
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I know where you're coming from. For me, it was either fight, or be a doormat. I started being the doormat because I was tired of fighting, and just wanted peace in the house. That was a terrible mistake for our marriage. And for me.
If your husband isn't willing to go to counseling, or try to work things out since everything is YOUR fault, what choice do you have for happiness? I have been more at peace at home since stbx left than I've been in years.
I'd say try counseling since whatever you're currently doing together isn't working. If that doesn't help, well, divorce sukks. There's no arguing with that. But, it is preserving the sanity in my home.
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dermeg82
New
Reged: 08/09/08
Posts: 4
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I think that if we could we should go talk to someone. Not family because everyone usually takes sides and that doesn't help. I just don't know if he would, I know both of us are so tired of fighting. I think that instead of talking about things we wait till it explodes and then of course we aren't going to get anywhere with it like that. I don't know, he said yesterday that he doesn't want to get back together. Most of our fights are usually over something so stupid too. We have serious issues then we have stupid ones that both of us need to work on. This is the third time that we have been apart.
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inafog
New
Reged: 05/12/08
Posts: 3
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I would like to say that I was just like your husband. I was controlling and when my Stbx was a stay at home i would act the same way. For me my control was about my low self esteem and fear of abandonment. She too would supress things and walk on egg shells. Our relationship is over and thats ok. Dont get me wrong i am still in love with her and we do still talk. But mostly as two parents trying to raise our children. What advice I do have for you is this.... Do not walk on egg shells around your husband...express to him the way that you feel about things even if he isn't listening and even if it does start a fight... Do this for yourself... you see my wife went a long time without saying things and walking on egg shells supressing those feelings...letting it build.. if you want the love for your husband to stay with you...don't hold it in...otherwise somewhere down the road ou will just fall out of love.... Also, maybe separating for a bit might really help... I don't know... Im just rambling probably not making any sense...
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jlrike2005
Bronze
Reged: 08/03/08
Posts: 26
Loc: Scottsdale, AZ & Chicago (N.Sh...
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That is SO frustrating!! My STBX & I had been together for 3 years, & got married last October. I always knew that his mom was...I'll be polite & just call her a f*cking b*tch. All the in-laws used to call each other with stories all the time. Well, as the matriarch, she got her little boy right back where she wants him. It was a constant source of stress b/c he would NEVER take my side...never even stand up & be on OUR team. I can not change that. That is a big chunck of why I've left. I can't imagine that BS w/ a baby and the in-laws. I'm sorry, from how he treats you, he doesn't consider the two of you a team. Drag him kicking and screaming to a counsiler, tell him you will NOT put up with being treated like this. Some times they change, some times they don't. In the end, just do what you know you need to do. All children need to thrive is to know they are loved, and that they are safe.
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missmisery
New
Reged: 08/09/08
Posts: 2
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I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband actually told me I was "just plain sorry" even though I was gone from daylight to dark working outside the home then taking care of the kids and home while he was gone to work on 2nd shift. Now he is going around telling lies about me on the net and has filed for divorce and has even taken the kids away from me. I say you should get out while you still can with most of your pride still intact.
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