jferparrott
New
Reged: 07/06/08
Posts: 16
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When I tried to bring it up, He asked me if I wanted to go camping this weekend. I told him I didn't know but with everything going on and the fights over the last couple days, I wasn't sure it was a good idea. He asked me why, so I told him, There is too much fighting, too much blame, and too much hurt. And I am not sure that the marraige is salvagable. He simply responded to me with "I really think we should go camping this weekend". I know a divorce will be nothing short of extremely hard on everyone, but, I am just not up to the challenge anymore. It's hurting everyone involved and I fear the kids will suffer the most.
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 177
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Going camping is probably not "changing the subject". He probably thinks that doing something fun with the family will make things all better. He is not dense, just not aware of the seriousness of your feelings. It feels condescending, but it's not intended to be. He probably feels that his job is to provide and he's doing his part so its not his issue. That is a dangerous mistake he is making, but not an uncommon one.
It really is a common thing one person stops talking and internally analyzes things, maybe talks to someone else about it. The other person thinks the silence is positive (we're not fighting) and believes its all hunky dory or just a minor mood swing.
You haven't talked about your friend since the first two posts, is that because you stopped talking to him, or the initial reaction wasn't what you wanted to hear? The marriage may be still be saved, but your husband and you are both going to have to be proactive, or you will both be culpable - which is really the way it always is.
Here's a big thing that I also think gets lost. It is the effort that counts. If you expect to have some wonderful smooth relationship with anyone it will never happen. There will be fights, but it depends on how you fight, do you fight to win individually, or to win an understanding between each other? Don't always take a fight or disagreement as an indication that things haven't changed, maybe one of you is tired, or needs to be reminded that the effort is slipping. Your counselor is right, the change needs to be internal, but there also needs to be acceptance. If you want your husband to do more with the family, recognize that "going camping" is actually an effort to do that.
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Decided to keep working
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jferparrott
New
Reged: 07/06/08
Posts: 16
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I haven't talked to my friend for quite some time. It wasn't because I didn't like the initial reaction, I actually agreed with the fact that it really wasn't appropriate even though it was innocent. I also came to the conclusion that it could alter what I actually really wanted.
And to be honest with you, I don't think any relationship will ever be perfect. Nobody can agree with another 100% of the time. But, I do believe that there is someone out there that will love and respect me. I do not believe my stbx has this capability. And there is a lot of history that contributes to that too. I am not out to bash him either. He just constantly had a condecending attitude towards me, and I really don't want my children growing up thinking that is okay to do that. I want to raise my children to bless their wives(if they choose to get married), and learn to work as a family unit. And their father does not know how to do that.
And as far as the camping issue, I can see where you are coming from, but on the other hand, when I try to express my honest feelings and he imediately turns to, well let's go camping, how is that really suppose to make me feel. And let it be known that I am not unaccountable for our failing marraige their are things that I have changed, and I have tried to be that picture perfect wife, in the hopes that if I really put forward that effort maybe he would too, but he remains the same. It's team work, and I can't do it all by myself. As nice as that would be, it's just not possible for me to hold everything together.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5175
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Quote:
when I try to express my honest feelings and he imediately turns to, well let's go camping, how is that really suppose to make me feel. Quote:
OK, this is not his intent. What it's SUPPOSED to make you feel is that he's working to try to make things better, doing his part, the only thing he knows that might actually work... planning a fun family event. This is one of the areas where men & women are so different, it's almost funny. A man thinks, "ok, she's upset that we're not doing well togehrer & we always argue... I'm doing my part to provide for the family and she's not happy. What next? OH... I KNOW... something where we won't fight or where a stupid little argumetn will feel like it's not so important... a camping trip. Last good weekend of the summer for the kids to do it with us... we'll do great thing swith them, I'll prove to her what a happy-go-lucky guy I am... and I fell in LOVE with her at a camping trip. I'll suggest camping. THAT'll fix it" And he is bewhildered at why you are not agreeing.
YOU wonder what could he possibly be thinking to dismiss your feelings like this and HE is thinking "what the hell? I am TRYING and she just dismisses it like I'm worthless!"
Consider going on the camping trip. Delay thoughts of discussing separation for one more weekend. do it nicely and try to make nice and be polite. Have fun with the kids. Don't let drinking be involved and make him understand that drinking will only hurt this thing. Let him see that camping is not the answer to everything (or maybe it will be, who knows?)
A week from now, decisions about the divorce will still be there. And maybe clearer.
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 177
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Well the first irony is a guy named undecided is trying to offer someone advice on "deciding".
The problem with email and posts is we tend to write them without full knowledge, and we tend to read them emphasizing the points that strike the most emotion in us.
My response wasn't intended to be a critisism of you as much as an attempt to find a common ground between you and your husband. It might be that your husband is trying, but not succeeding. It could be that you just aren't compatible as you seem to have come to the conclusion of and it does happen. Looking back though, when you got married, didn't you feel loved and respected? So at some point in your relationship you must have at least believed he was capable. Please understand that I am not judging you or your husband, I am just putting forth some perspectives that I and my wife have found out the hard way.
I could paint a picture of my wife as being cold hearted and unappreciative and I could give some examples that would probably convince most people, or I could try and listen to her and accept my own culpability in the decisions she made. I can tell you that my wife had reached exactly where you are now, I can also say that I have always loved and respected her, I just didn't realize it wasn't obvious.
I do not believe in staying together for the kids, but I do believe in making the marriage right for the kids, both people have to be on board for the latter to work, so if you're right and your husband isn't putting forth the effort then divorce is your only option, I just can't help but feel that it is not so much a lack of love and respect as it is a lack of communication. The former is a deal breaker, the latter can be fixed.
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Decided to keep working
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jferparrott
New
Reged: 07/06/08
Posts: 16
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I completely understand, and trust me I appreciate you as a guy trying to offer insight. It really helps.
And I suppose at a certain point I did feel love and respected by him, I just think it's bee a long time. And I think that part of the problem might just be that we got married young, had children young, and when we did get married both of us were drinking a lot.
Things happen and people change, and this is not a reason for divorce. However, I drink, but vary rarely anymore. His drinking habits have not changed at all. This bugs me. I have voiced my opinions on this very strongly, and it always comes down to, I don't have a problem or there is nothing wrong with me drinking. Wether there is or isn't, I believe that I have grown, and become more responsible over the last few years and he is very strongly stuck in his 21 era.
And Lack of communication could be a big cause of me feeling this way, but it's hard to talk with a drunk.
And like I said before, I am not placing all the blame on him, but it's not just the drinking. I am a stay at home mom, and I am fine with that. I go to school full time, and I do get money monthly from the VA. And that's another one of our issues that we have. It's his money, he works he should decide how it's spent. According to him, I am just out for a free ride, I don't want to work for anything that I have. I don't contribute, and I never keep the house as clean as he thinks it should be. Wether intended or not, I feel that he is belittling me by stating these things, and in his mind I think that he has recentment towards me. And in my mind for him to say that I am in it for the free ride, when I do everything around the house, and with the children, on top of getting my degree, it really hurts me. I have told him this, but he always starts pointing the finger and saying I don't do enough.
And maybe I have a odd way of looking at things, but I think that a loving husband would try to help, and support me going to school. Instead of just belittling me every chance he gets. Like I said maybe my perceptions are way off, but this is truely how I feel. And I know it's hard to just read a post and get a feeling for what is going on, because there is a lot of history over almost 11 years worth, and to clue everyone in on everything that has happened is almost impossible. So Please do not think that I am taking offense. You are really helping me see a diferent side of things.
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 960
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Sounds to me like you are both feeling unappreciated. I have to say this...you are a stay at home mom....going to school full-time and you want a divorce? Have you ever been divorced? How do you plan on supporting yourself? Your husband seems to think you do not understand what he has to go through to keep you home and able to go to school. You are saying he is not supportive...when all is said and done...these are very normal marital challenges.
Just my opinion
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jferparrott
New
Reged: 07/06/08
Posts: 16
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I can fully understand that we both could/are feeling unappreciated. No, I have never been divorced. And yes I do stay home and go to school full time. I also know that I am capable of getting a job, and I do recieve income through the VA.(I am a disabled vet) So it is not like I do not contribute to the family outside staying home and rasing the children. Maybe we will be able to work through this. I just know that one thing is for sure, I can not do this emotional cycle we have been on. And I am looking out for number one in the situation, My children. It is very important to me to teach them family values, and at this point I do not believe that we are doing that. I further believe that we are teaching them the opposite, possibly almost teaching them the way that a marraige shouldn't be, as opposed to what it should be. Maybe it was wrong of me to think that a post like this could help, there is so much more to the situation that what people are seeming to get out of my postings. I know that he works hard, but the fact is, even if he is working hard, do that really give him the right to belittle me or the children, or drink all the time and ignore the family? If I was working also, since I am the mother does that mean that he would still get to come home and not have responsibilities as a parent and it would be all on me?
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