Divorce Support Forums: What's going on here

What was it in the beginning that made her fall in love with you and decide to walk down the aisle with you? Were you glib and charming or were you earnest and intense?

How much has life and habits of treating each other gotten in the way since that time? Did you feel comfortable with the conquest once you got the "I do" out of her, and feel it was OK to stop doing the things she found so charming? Were those charming things just an act or were they a real part of you that you simply let fall by the wayside because it's easier (like sometimes I get in a habit of not working out because ... it's just easier to not spend my life in a gym... not that I don't like it and certainly not because I don't like the results... but because, there are times when it's a pain int eh butt to get it into the schedule).

Now, there CAN come a point where there is too much history between people, that they can't learn to trust each other any more and can't get back that feeling. But I truly believe that if that point was not yet reached, that there's a chance of getting it back. It takes stepping back from where you are now and figuring out how you'd treat her if you were just getting to know her and trying to charm the pants off her again. That might mean NOT doing EVERY thing that comes into HER head as something that she thinks will make it work, because just busying yourself by following her directiosn only turns you into a slave (and unless she has some interesting issues or fetishes with wanting to own a slave, acting like one will NOT impress her as you being a man). It might mean doing traditional things like bringing in flowers and candy, watching chick flicks with her and crying over sentimental songs with her... if that's the kind of thing that impresses her. I tell you, for ME, that would not impress me at all. I mean, I need my guy to buy flowers for me once in a while, but NOT because he's not been romantic or is trying to apologize or simethign, but just because he sees them and they remind him of me or some other rare and sappy thing. If he did sappy stuff like that 24-7, he'd not be MY type of guy.

MY guy needs to be more creative than that. But that's ME. One of my best friends... hearts & flowers and candy and tickets to see Yanni were EXACTLY what it took to make HER feel the love again. I never understood how she could find such sappy displays to be somethign that made her hot, but that's what it was.

And part of this will be figuring out what makes her feel HOT again... which won't be easy while she's recovering from surgery. Still, heat is warmer when it can't be acted upon, so maybe that's somethign you can take advanatge of... check if you can tease her a little and make her WANT you while of course not getting anywhere NEAR acting on that, because she's not able to right now. And if it starts to get more than just a LITTLE, to where it's clear what you're doing and that both you and she are interested, show that you are capable of self-control for her sake... while being VERY NEARLY not able to control it because she is just THAT irresistable.

Part of the excitement of courtship is that you don't know each other very well and everything is new... so maybe reminding yourself that this person is NOT the same woman you married, she ahs changed, and you need to get to know her all over again. INCLUDING intimately... and find new thigns to do.

For any of these thigns... I want to say that less is more. Too much can push over the edge from charming to pathetic and a little more can start to feel stalk-y... so be very careful with it.

You've had a night where you had a talk on what expectations you each had of marriage that were NOT met... how about a night wehre you each discussed expectatation that WERE met? Or things you did NOT expect from marriage that were better than you could have dreamed of.

Or after the next movie night, have a photo memory night... going through courtship and wedding and vacation photos and remembering all the good times, the glitches and how you'd gotten ove rhte glitches. One of the things about good marriages is that they've got a good foundation... shared memories of good times to fall back on during tough times. Re-living some of those good memories might be a good idea right now.

And then making plans for creating new good memories would be good. More than jus twaht to buy each otehr for Christmas, but also creating an exciting new memory, or plannign to re-visit a romantic old one. Going to a Christmas event that you'd always said you'd do SOMEDAY but never got around to... SOMETHING different from years before, to get you out of the rut.

And on the issue of respecting her job... I kidn of agree, it feels nit-picky, like she had fallen out of love and couldn't find something to pin it on, so she pinned it on that moment as the moment when she was most hurt by the realization that she no longer felt it for you because you said something she felt was critical and unfair (even if she didn't mention it to you at the time that she felt that way). It's nit-picky, but worth paying attention to if there's a style of communication... a tone of voice that dismisses her or something... well, you DO need to work on that, but the fact that this is a nit-picky thing makes me think it's actually a confusing combination of things that she can't really put her finger on, but just created a feeling of it NOT being THERE any more.

But if I'm right, then it's possible to go there again, if you pursue it carefully. Find surprising and different new things to do togehter, pay attention to her needs but don't just become her slave... find things you think she'd like to do or that you'd always talked about doing but never followed through on. Arrange dates and see if you can find the heat again. talk about old times and include the heat if you can. And if you do find the heat... if SHE finds it... don't follow through straight away. Unless all you want is a last hurrah... hold back till you're sure this will be a lasting feeling ... till you're SURE that she feels the same way... till the two of you can barely stand the wait any more, like when you first fell in love.

I hope it's do-able. Let us know if it works.