bobjones
New
Reged: 08/21/08
Posts: 2
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I'm a 19 year old who's parents are suddenly having difficulties. My parents have been married for 25 years, but two days ago my dad came home and told my mom that he is in love with another woman.
He has known this "other woman" for 2 months, and she is 20 + years younger than him. All I can think of is that this is some hard core mid life crisis. I know he doesn't love her, but he is sure he does, and he is sure he wants to pursue her. My mom is constantly crying, and I feel horrible for her. I'm trying to be optimistic that this will blow over and my dad will realize how crazy he is being. But every day the odds seem to get less favorable.
My parents had such a good relationship. Just a couple of months ago my dad mentioned how wonderful everything was going with there marriage. Now he suddenly meets a new girl and wants to throw everything away?
Any advice?
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 299
Loc: NM
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Oh Bob, I am so sorry. Lots of people find something lacking in their marriage and stray to this "perfect", hopefully your dad will slap himself up side the head and wake up before it is too late. All the advice I can give is be there for your mom, but try not to pick sides. Even if you think your dad is acting like a butt (he is), he is still your dad.
Again so sorry you are going thru this. I think that it is very nice that you posted for your parents. Wish your family the best.
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Bumpyflightress
Silver
Reged: 06/30/07
Posts: 61
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Have you sat him down and asked exactly why he would throw away twenty five years of marriage, one that he recently said was so wonderful, over someone he doesn't know? Obviously, she has a problem if she's willing to be a married man's mistress also, not considering his family. I'm sooo sorry for you and your mother. I know what she's going through after my husband went through what I believe was a midlife crisis. Can your parents (atleast your father) see a counselor/psychologist before making such a dramatic decision? He atleast owes that to your mom before jumping ship. Give him this:
Exerpt from High Fidelity:
This is probably the most difficult aspect of commitment for most of us: the "How the hell am I going to stop myself from becoming completely bored in this relationship and resist the temptation to jump the bones of every new person I find myself lusting after or who shows the faintest of interest in me?" Or worse, "Oh, and I'm supposed to do this for how long? The rest of my life. You're joking right?" "When is it all going to [censored] stop?" he cries.
The "it" he is referring to is that constant pursuit of what you don't have even when what you have could make you happier but recognize it; that constant attraction to someone new.
Commitment is about making a choice. It's about deciding that the person you are with and the relationship you have together is worth more than the fleeting excitement you get from a brand new attraction.
It can be confusing though.
What if the brand new attraction is the person you're supposed to be with? What if you're missing out on something better? What if you never get to discover another naked body for the rest of your life? With summer in the air, to feel the rush, the newness and the uncomplicatedness of someone new is strong.
As a culture we like new: the newest technology, the newest trends, the newest brand of dish soap. When it comes to relationships, new is without baggage and without someone who knows you so well you hardly get away with any crap anymore. With someone new, you always see the nice lingerie, and don't have to look at the baggy, white cotton ones she usually wears. New is thrilling.
That feeling of excitement and anticipation is like a drug. Though like most drugs, once the initial high wears off, you crash. That's where commitment comes in.
Yes, I may be attracted to you but I'm committed to someone else. End of story. But it's not quite as simple as that. You have to know what it means. It doesn't mean you won't ever be attracted to anyone else ever again, or that your partner won't bore you or drive you crazy a good percentage of the time. It does mean, though, that when she does, you won't bail, or look elsewhere for a fresh hit.
You have to remember that the person you're with was new once too. If I met my guy for the first time now, I'd be blown away. In fact, he's the new guy to a lot of women, many of whom are in their own relationships and probably thinking, "Yeah, I love my partner but hey, maybe I'd be better off with this guy." And he probably responds to at least some of them and struggles with the same urges I do, as much as I'd rather not think about that.
It is scary though. And sometimes fear can tempt you to do stupid things. But usually if you stop and think about it, it's rarely worth risking what you've got. You know the drill: When you think of all the things you get out of staying with the same person, all the reasons why the familiarity and predictability that sometimes bores you, also makes a long-term relationship worth it, even exciting.
This person knows you, has accepted you in the baggy underwear and can deal with the moods; he knows your body and your weird habits and he still likes you. "She feels like home," as Rob says about Laura in the movie "High Infidelity". Okay, so the movie is a little clichéd.
He described a long-term relationship as a garden. You spend a lot of time grooming and nurturing it. You're not about to give all that up for a nice bouquet of flowers. It may look pretty but it has no roots.
Excuse me, but I've got some weeding to do.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
Edited by Bumpyflightress (08/22/08 02:19 AM)
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hopefull
Gold
Reged: 10/07/07
Posts: 164
Loc: Michigan
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BF you really hit home with your post. excellent advise. It's so hard for kids to watch their parents split and the childish behavior. We need to be mentors for our kids. I know we all hurt on this forum but if there is a slight chance to get back..take it..the newness of someone else will fade in 6 months. Even the most beautiful women/man will show true colors and look different in 6 months. Roots are important. Maybe your dad will see the flaws and realize it's not worth it.
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bobjones
New
Reged: 08/21/08
Posts: 2
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Thank you all for your responses. You've all brought up some very good points that I hope I can get my father to understand.
He describes this situation as a, "very powerful feeling that he can't ignore." I asked him if he was willing to go to counseling, and he said he would go if my mother wanted to. I asked him if he actually wanted to, and he responded, "I don't see this as a problem."
That's not who my dad is though. I've known him for 19 years and know that this behavior is not who he is. That's why I'm being optimistic. He's being completely out of left field and selfish right now, but I don't feel like those attributes will continue during this situation. I just hope he snaps out of it early enough.
For a little update, he came home last night. I saw him bring a bag in that he took with him yesterday. He told my mom, and us kids, that he wants to be at home for a little while while he figures out this situation. He told us that he wouldn't see the other girl while he was here at home, but he would still Email / call her. I'm glad he is at home, but I can't help but feel like he is only here out of obligation. However, maybe being at home will help him see all the wonderfulness he has.
Again, thank you all so much for the help. Every day that goes by I'm handling this better and better. I will continue to be there for my mom and talk to my dad when I can. I know that this will be over, in some way or another, soon!
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