jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 294
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I keep getting anonymous email stating that there are things going on between my husband and the girl he had an affair with. They come at times when I already have doubt - for instance - last night he was out with the guys...Today I get an email letting me know that yesterday was her birthday and asking if I knew where my husband was....
We are in the process of getting divorced - I filed last week but we are living together until we get some financial issues resolved and our finances under control - (he was out of work for 3 1/2 months).
This isn't the first round of these I've gotten - they did stop while she was away at bootcamp - so I don't know if it's her or what the deal is (of course there was nothing to report when she wasn't around right?).
I told him if he is contacting her, we can't live amicably in our home and he has to leave. He says he isn't but also says it's unfair of me to say that since I filed for divorce.
I say if we are in the same household this shouldn't be happening. Am I wrong?
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abbysfv
Platinum
Reged: 02/13/08
Posts: 716
Loc: LA, CA
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Yes they are coming from her, who else would bother doing that? OH and she's psycho. Yuck! Just delete them before opening.
Sorry you have to go through that, going through a divorce is bad enough.
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My subconscious is smarter.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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How in the world does an e-mail arrive anonymously? There needs to be SOME way to trace it... and IP address or something.
If I were you, I'd clue the husband in to the fact that you had received anon e-mails that were probably from the girlfriend before she went to boot camp, that they stopped arriving while she was at boot camp, and they resumed the moment she returned. I'd tell him that the girl he's involved with is obviously and intentionally splitting up his marriage over this affair, so whatever she's been telling him in private, she's been messing with your mind behind his back, and he needs to know waht kind of girl he's involved with.
You need to rid yourself of him, because clearly if he were not with some vile woman who was INTENDING to break up his marriage, you'd have had no clue, so the man is totally untrustworthy and it's over. But HE needs to know that his belief that he's good at keeping secrets, sneaking around, and that YOU are the one who instigated teh divorce without sufficient provocation is absolutely wrong.
Who knows, maybe he'll find it charming that the girl is willing to fight so dirty for him... or maybe she'll convince him that it's not her, but some acquaintance of theirs who is reporting every move to you... but he will always know that HE cannot trust his new girl any more than YOU were able to trust HIM.
I think that would be a fitting punishment for a cheater who destroys your trust... to find himself unable to trust others because THEy have been hiding from HIM and lying to HIM!
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abbysfv
Platinum
Reged: 02/13/08
Posts: 716
Loc: LA, CA
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Or you could say nothing and watch his new relationship with psycho woman flame out from a distance.
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My subconscious is smarter.
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abbysfv
Platinum
Reged: 02/13/08
Posts: 716
Loc: LA, CA
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I used to get hang up calls all the time and as soon as he moved out they stopped. I just have to think who in their right mind would do that? MY stbx's other woman is a therapist too. I feel so sorry for her patients. Anyway I'm sure that relationship will end in a lot of drama at some point.
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My subconscious is smarter.
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happytobdivorced
Platinum
Reged: 03/15/07
Posts: 1125
Loc: Hell, USA
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I'm sorry you are in this situation. But please take some time to read some of the posts on this forum. You will realize that "amicable" is not a word used very often here. If your STBX is cheating-you will not feel amicable for long. I feel pretty sure that the g/f is sending you those emails. I bet she wants him to move out and ASAP-so they can have a life together.
Tell your lawyer everything and do what he/she tells you too. Kick out your STBX. I don't know if you have children together or not-but I would make sure your STBX knows you mean business.
Good luck. Take care of yourself.
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Message for my ex "I think you know by now, I'm not the person I used to be"
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 294
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1 son in the Navy and a daughter who will be 17.
gigi - when I try to reply to the messages the emails come back undeliverable - like someone is setting up a ghost account, sending email and then deleting the accounts pronto. I suppose if I tried through my IT group they could help track things down some way like CSI ;) but I think you guys are all right - who else would be doing this. At one point he blamed it on our daughter....
In any case, the bottom line is he is a 48 year old man and she is a 21 year old (censored) - we are middle class, she comes from the projects area of a nearby city. Messing around with her as the janitor from work with a body (not face) is one thing - him and her trying to co-exist....not sure that will work out for long...
At this point, I guess it really isn't my problem - I've given it since March and I just can't deal anymore which is why I filed last week.
Actually when I filed his only response was - "Do you feel better now?"....Yeah, I just signed away 20 years of my life - everything I've worked for and lived for - I feel much better....and over what? A girl that could be my daughter!
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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I have this instinct that says, and I can't figure out why, that it's not right to keep it from him that you're getting nasty e-mails that are likely from his girlfriend. He may not realize what a nutcase, immature chick he's hooked up with. He may have thought he nipped that stuff in the bud a while back. He deserves to know the truth of why you went ahead and filed, waht is going on that makes you so cold and angry and sure that he's still carrying on.
What he does with that information is another matter altogether. Let HIM figure it out that the notes are coming from the girl. Don't let him try to give you a snow job about it, say it doesn't matter at all, but that someone is clearly out to get him, to ruin his marriage, and whether it's his girlfriend or some misguided stranger doesn't matter. What does matter is that he needs to know that someone is out to mess with his life and what they're doing is making ia a whole lot harder for you to continue to be friendly and sweet about the whole thing. So HOWEVER he chooses to handle it is his own business, but to leave you out of it.
This stuff smacks of JUST the kind of drama that a 20-something year old would think is appropriate.
Who knows, if you just let him kwno what's up and don't let him focus on it as a thing he needs to convince you is untrue, but let him figure it out for himself, he MIGHT figure out that he's hitched his hopes on a flighty, dramatic, underhanded child... and while that kind of thing may be fun at first, it's not something he may want to have in the long term, and he might just decide to do the right thing as a result of knowing the WHOLE truth about what's happened and WHY you are re-thinking the amicable thing.
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 294
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Gigi, I have told him in the past that I had received them (during the initial catching period) - and he blamed it on our daughter who was very angry at him for what he had done. If I tell him again, and he reverts to that I'll have to.....ugh.
But you are right I should tell him. I just hate to go home to telling him and then having him tell me I'm crazy etc. and so on. It gets old.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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Don't tell him who did it, just that it has happened. Or forward them to his own e-mail from now on.
He is a cheater, and they'll do ANYTHING to keep from getting caught in thier lies. My husbands' ex is a liar so I know how much they'll squirm to avoid getting caught... bending the meaning of words, the truth, misdirecting you to try to get you off the topic, and plain old making stuff up...
The first time around, he probably knew full well that his girlfriend was doing it but blamed it on your daughter and then ran to the girlfriend & demanded that she grow up and start acting right. The girlfriend probably said it wasn't her & she had no clue who could have done it (the way liars do), and he, so anxious to believe her, maybe thought it was some friend or maybe it WAS your daughter, in his mind.
But this time... he'll know. You don't need to tell him who is sending the e-mails, just that you're receiving them and that whoever it is, there is OBVIOUSLY someone who is following his movements and sending anonymous e=mails to you, and not that it matters to you, but he might want to watch his back since he's got people who are pretending to be his friends, who KNOW what he does in his private life, who are reporting this stuff to you in this weird, anonymous way.
You don't have to say a word about who you think it is and if he starts accusing you of falsely accusing the girlfriend, just say you don't knwo who it is, and at this point you don't really care any more, but at the risk of burning your source of private information about him, you just thought he'd ought to know that someone is acting NOT in his best interests and you don't much care how he handles it.
And offer to forward the e-mails along to him so he can trace the IP address or whatever, if he needs to do that to catch the culprit.
He might take you up on the offer and will give all pretense of following up, but when he thinks he's got you thinking it's some buddy who is playing a practical joke or something... he'll run back to his girl and REALLY give her hell for it.
Either way, you'll be very likely to not have to deal with the stupid e-mails again.
On the other hand, if you want to, you could get some administrator to trace the IP address from the e-mail, claiming some version of fraud or harassment (because it's surely one or the other), and the server responsible for allowing it to happen might prosecute her for it.
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