allthumbs
Platinum
Reged: 07/12/07
Posts: 560
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I am having a hard time being able to forgive my ex for what she has done. I'm not talking about minor things like arguments and things of that type. No, I mean the adultery, the lying, her excessive drinking, injuring our child, conspiring with her boyfriend to destroy me financially. Admittedly, I was not perfect. But I was faithful, honest, true, never hit or abused her or my child and genuinely tried to be a good husband and father. I worked hard and paid all my debts and bills. I was responsible and made time with her and my family. I can handle her and I divorcing because we were too different. But cannot forgive the way she behaved, still behaves. I don't want to harbor ill feelings forever. I know I'll never forget but forgiving someone who intentionally tried to destroy you for their own selfish gain; someone whom you once loved and thought they loved you, how do you forgive someone like that?
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TomSlick
Bronze
Reged: 08/26/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Ca, santa Cruz
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Its easy to forgive, if you understand she is sick.. If she has a drinking problem, she has no control of herself.. I'm not saying what she is doing is right, but she is putting the bottle first because she know no other way. So try to think of the sober wife and not the drunk one..
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Robfrommichigan
Platinum
Reged: 12/13/06
Posts: 1429
Loc: Reality Sux.
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If you were muslim, you could honor kill her and get away w/ it...
You'll never forgive/forget...some people are just plain old evil.
Drink a toast to her memories, burn them all, and move on...I know it's alot easier said, but..It can be done.
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May you R.I.P. Ivyrx2. (Roxanne)
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dexmeister
Platinum
Reged: 06/26/08
Posts: 342
Loc: Moving in 6 Months
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Forgiveness is not for her, its for you. Nor does it condone or excuse what she has done.
Beyond that I can't help you much, I haven't forgiven yet.
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I never knew what I was made of until now.
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 453
Loc: New Hampshire
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allthumbs,
I hear you. I also disagree with Mr. Slick. Forgiving can be a real bear. My s2bx:
1. Broke my heart
2. Broke up my family
3. Is breaking up my financial security
4. May be destroying my dream of staying in this community because I may have to sell.
Other than that, I don't have a beef with her.
I mentioned here about a week ago how I sent her that "Deep peace" thing. THAT WAS HARD! I really didn't want to. But, when I sent it I meant it.
And it has been freeing for me.
The Good Book says: Do not return evil for evil, but overcome evil with good.
My own experience laid this out in spades. By wishing her what I craved and lacked most - inner peace - I was able, finally, to approach my own peace.
You don't have to embarass yourself to try this out. Just try on the idea of wishing her the best. Work through that as distasteful as it may be (I know!). Then actually wish her the best in your mind. Send it out into the "ether" (Wishland) and let it go.
Repeat as necessary.
You don't have to agree with her. You don't have to get back together with her. But, wishing her the best loosens your demand for justice - thus opening you to forgiveness.
You MAY get to the point where you can voice your blessing to her sincerely.
It ain't easy. I felt like a little kid being forced to take my medicine. It still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I can see I have more work to do.
On top of all the stuff you have to deal with you have to also forgive her. It ain't fair! But the medicine is the only way you'll get well.
Deep breath. Small prayer. Then swallow hard.
You're not alone.
Tom
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So much to forget...
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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I still am bitter towards my ex and she did nothing to me but follow her own bliss. So what's up with that?
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 453
Loc: New Hampshire
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KGrow
>What's up with that?
I dunno. Have you worked at shedding your bitterness?
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So much to forget...
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phyzguy
Platinum
Reged: 05/15/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Cali
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NHTom-
I read your post once, and I am going to have to read it again. I too am struggling with the forgiveness. I want to be sincere and forgive her, but HOW? I know this all takes time.
When I do get to the stage of forgiveness, I want it to be sincere.
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Tibi ipsi esto fidelis
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allthumbs
Platinum
Reged: 07/12/07
Posts: 560
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Thanks everyone, I know you're right, that forgiveness heals me! I liked NHTom's analogy that it's like taking a foul tasting medicine:) I will try this. I do not wish to remain bitter as I know I am only hurting myself. And it would be easier if she would leave me alone.
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falling apart
New
Reged: 09/07/08
Posts: 1
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I don't know if you may resent my posting here as I was never legally married. Lived with who I thought was the love of my life for 12 years+. He left 17 days ago and I am a wreck. Turning 50 tomorrow and am finding it difficult to get into a Happy Birthday state of mind!
Sounds like you have a good perspective on chemically dependent issues. Am very interested in corresponding.
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