Divorce Support Forums: Why is my happiness attached to someone else?

Scbeck,

Reading your post I immediately identified with what you are going through. My daughter was a very loving and caring child until she turned 13. I swear that aliens stole my sweet daughter on the eve of her 13th birthday, because we had nothing but one issue after another until she moved out at 18.

She didn't have a choice but to deal with us until she turned 18. I stopped counting the number of times she told me she hated me and couldn't wait to move out. She even threatened to run away. I told her that if she did, once she was found, I would let the courts know I was not able to control her and feared for her safety and relinguish my parental rights. She stared at me and shouted "You wouldn't dare." I told her to stop and think if she could recall anytime I didn't do exactly what I said I would do. Granted it usually was something she wanted me to do for her, but if I said I would do something, she knew she could take it to the bank. I honored my word.

Years later, when we finally reached a truce after she moved out, she told me that the one reason she never ran away was because she knew I meant what I had said. I told her I indeed had, that as much as it would pain me to have done it, I would have to insure that she was safe until she was of age of majority.

She was nasty, vicious cruel and mean. She lied and then would be so surprised when she got caught, which was most of the time.

We did get her into counseling, but after 6 months, our insurance company insisted that there would be family counseling sessions. That pissed her off. She yelled "How the f*ck can they tell me what to do and make me have sessions with you and Dad?" I calmly told her because they were paying for a major part of those sessions and had the right to require certain things be done, to help her. So she stopped going. You can't make a 16 year old go if they don't want to, and if we had, she would have just sat there.

Years later, she found out she is Bipolar. Great, if we had found that out, we would have had her on medication and maybe that would have helped, but we will never know.

What you need is Tough Love. If there is a group in your area, please go to a meeting. I went to several to get some ideas how to approach the issues.

You may not want to have her go live with her Dad, but it might be something you eventually need to do, if she contiues to spin out of control. If you end up doing that, please don't think of yourself as a failure as a Mom. You are not. You are dealing with a very difficult situation.

I know I felt I failed until my therapist asked me to explain how I felt I had. Well I viewed my success/failure on the actions of my daughter. She told me to stop right there. Had I provided a loving and caring environment for my daughter....Yes. She said "You have fed, clothed, housed, loved and even paid for horse back riding lessons, art lessons, music lesson. You clearly love her and because she spits hateful words at your, you failed?" I sat there and said "Oh....guess I was judging how well of a Mom I was by how she acted and reacted with me."

Oh and yes "This too shall pass" but in my case that would not happen until she was almost 20 years old. When she fianlly reached out and wanted to reconnect, I told her that would be nice. We sat down and had a 2 hour talk. She told me that she realized that she had been a total sh*t during her teen years. That she intentionally pushed all possible buttons to see what I would do. She said she was testing my always telling her "I love you and always will, but I don't always like the things you do" statement. She figured if she just kept laying on more crap I would finally tell her I didn't love her, but I never did. I just kept restating "I love you and my love can not be bought or earned, it is yours because you are my daughter and I want the very best for you." She told me she finally "got it" and was really sorry for the hell she put me and her Dad through.

I was totally floored. I don't know what I thought she was going to say at that meeting, but I didn't see that coming.

I so hope things work out for you and your daughter. It sure hurts like hell when you can't get through to them.

Hugs,
Nish