Divorce Support Forums: My 8 yr old daughter reluctant to stay with dad

You need the spare time. Think of it like this, when he was around, he might not have been very involved, but his mere presence in the household would let you catch a break. You could take a bath when she was a baby and at LEAST trust that he'd not let her tumble down the stairs while you were busy... and as she's gotten older, you could park her in frotn of the TV or doing homework while he was plopped wherever... if anywhere in the house you could at least get out to go shopping or get your hair done in peace.

Divorce makes that stuff harder UNLESS you insist on regular, frequent and reasonable parenting time for him. Newly divorcing mothers who hang onto the kids as if it's going to get them lots more money in child support or somehow thier exes are going to be incompetent parents so they, the mothers, need to control 100% of the kid's lives, after the dust has settled and the mother is alone with no time to herself and 100% control with a teeny, tiny little extra support to show for it... suddenly we've got a mother who has no capacity to get back out in the world and find herself, get a new life, etc. We suddenly have one of those pathetic situations of a mother who is complaining about how the father is never involved... adn she doesnt' really see that all the nastiness that started during the divorce where she accused him of stuff maybe... or just insisted that he didnt' deserve anything more than an occasional weekend with the kids... she doestn' see that this is what created the sitaution where she never gets a break but once every othe week, and during that break the kids get to play with Disney Dad who becomes their most favorite parent (becasue all he has the time to DO with them is have fun and reconnect... he doesnt' have TIME to be a REAL dad any more)... and then they come back all hepped up on sugar and talking about being bored with her because she doesn't do all the expensive fun stuff with them that HE does...

The more you can get him to tak ethem, the more involved you can convince him to be (and you need to totally back off and let him do it as HE wants, whether that means taking them to do stuff that you'd never do with them, or whether it means feeding them food you don't personally approve of)... up to 50-50 time, the closer you get to 50-50 time, the healthier it'll be for ALL of you.

Good luck in convincing him of this and getting him to become more involved. The trick does seem to be to back off and not try to direct him too much with it. Almost every woman I know who tried and failed to get thier exes more involved are also the types of women whose attempts included many "helpful" suggestions that could easily turn off a guy who just wants to be a full-fledged, independent thinkng parent in his OWN right. Most couples who find a way to be satisfied with WHATEVER the other aprent does in their own home... THOSE parents AND THE KIDs seem much better off.