gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
|
|
If he agreed to pay he should pay. If he said it was a great idea, that does not mean he agreed to pay. I think it's a great idea to spend the summer in Europe, but if I look into it, I can't afford it, so I won't. And if it was one of the kid swho wanted to do it, I'd say "gee, sounds like a wonderful trip", even though I'd not be agreeing to pay. If you want him to pay, you tell him how much it would cost, then find out how much he's willing to contribute, get the money out of him and then book the trip (or tell him where to make the call to book the trip, himself).
BUT here's the problem, which you mentioned in another thread but not here. He agreed to this before the divorce. It was not mentioned during the divorce, and after teh property settlement and everything was all said & done, he said he didn't want to pay. Sadly, getting a divorce means that there's not as much money to go around. There are two houses being supported now and he's sending more money to your house in child support. He may simply not have the additiona money any more to pay for any part of the trip. And it's too bad that the child will not get to go on the trips that were planned, but that's part of the problem of divorce, everyone has to cut back. I'm sure this will not be the only disappointment in the child's life, it'll not be the ONLY time they miss something they really, really, really want!
|
jlk1968
New
Reged: 09/24/08
Posts: 4
|
|
Sadly, you are right. There are so many disappointments in divorce. What is even worse, is that even after the divorce his net worth is still $2 million and mine isn't and by backing out in his promise to her, he is only hurting his relationship with her, which he has done for years with his history of abuse to me and the children.
Thank you for your answer--I wanted confirmation that I had a right to be angry with him, and that this was NOT a child support item--but something extra that he promised and is once again, not following through on. I know that I cannot force him to pay for these, but wish he knew that following through on his promise is the right thing to do for his daughter--not for me.
|
gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
|
|
It's not only an issue of whether there's enough money. I'm sure it's an issue of how he wants to spend what's left now that he's been through a divorce. I'm sure it's got something to do with how happy he feels with you now that he's had to spend money on a lawyer & such.
My husband ended up with enough after the divorce that he could send the kids through college, according to his ex. But that's just not true. He'd have to cash in the 401Ks to do that, and for every dollar that he spent from those to send the kids to school, he'd have to cash in an extra dollar to pay the fines and penalties for early cash-in. In the meantime, she got a house in the divorce and didn't pay him for the whole value of what she should have paid to keep it.
And then there's the fact that she sends the kids to things on HIS weekends and doesnt' let him get make-up time, and he's not exactly interested in paying for this stuff that they COULD do when they're with her but which she schedules for HIS time with them (he gets 3 days out of every 14, officially... but with the amount of stuff she has them booked for, he actually GETS much LESS time).
And then there's the fact taht she treats him like crap and then sticks her hand out and demands extra money. We even had the judge add in money to the formula to account for extracurriculars because she was telling the kids that he refused to pay... it didn't matter how much extra he gave (and he gave a LOT of extra at first, before he realized this)... she would tell the kids that he didn't pay ENOUGH and therefore didn't love them. They got angry at him and he had to pay for them to go to therapy to overcome it. SHE was SUPPOSEd to pay for the therapy but because it wouldn't help HER, she simply "forgot" and so he had to pay the entire thing if it was going to get done.
She's an extreme situation and has some mental problems (was supposed to go to intensive psychotherapy, herself, but refuses adn our only remedy would be to take the kids from her, which would only make THEM upset, and so we're not forcing the issue... yet...)
But I guess the point is that after a divorce, you no longer have a right to look at the other person's finances and pass judgment on them. But if you want them to feel charitable towards you & teh kids and give you this stuff that they don't HAVE to give, but might want to out of the goodness of thier own hearts... it helps a LOT to cultivate a good, positive co-parenting relationship post-divorce.
I get the feeling that you and your ex do not have that.
Tell me, if he were here to say that his ex was demanding money from him and it was unreasonable... what would his explanation be for why it's unreasonable... what would he say about the fact that he has $2mil available to him so easily that he could do it? What would he say about this?
Or HECK... woudl it all be lingering resentment over the divorce, itself? Who initiated it and how much lawyer time was used in getting it resolved? Were there nasty accusations along the way? did he accuse you of things that may make him still angry? Or did you accuse HIM of stuff that makes him less likely to feel like giving stuff to you?
Have you tried having your daughter talk to him during thier visits? I dont' mean winding her up & sending her over on a mission to get money out of him, but just encouraging her to talk about the trips, ask for his advice on what to do about them, etc... the same way she does with you that makes YOU want to go ahead and find a way to pay even though the divorce has left you with nothing (and that's very odd... for him to end up with $2mil and you to end up with not enough to pay for $6,000 worth of trips for her... how in the WORLD did THAT happen?)
I guess what I'm saying is that at this point, extravagances are all based upon good will so it's a good idea to cultivate good will with your ex and to help your daughter maintain a great relationship with him.
If we understand how he would respond to questions of why he does not want to pay for this thing he previously agreed to pay for, we might be able to help you find a way to cultivate his goodwill to maybe change his attitude.
|
pueblonative
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 337
Loc: Colorado
|
|
[quote]My husband received an email from his ex that said she had to pay $163 for his daughter's yearbook, ASB card and planner (whatever that is) and to add $80 to his next check for CS.
Their agreement is that he will pay half of extracurricular activities as long as they are agreed to in advance.
He is not trying to nickel and dime but a little notice would have been nice. She is always doing this, not asking, just telling. And money is REALLY tight for us right now. Nine of my husband's customers have not paid him for August yet and it's a substantial amount of money. We're concerned about paying our rent right now because of this.
Would a yearbook and ASB card be considered "extra-curricular activities"? Or should these be covered by CS? [/quote]
yearbook would be extra-curricular, however the key term is "in advance" if she bought that spur of the moment then it's on her. I don't know what an ABS card is, so I can't comment on that.
Based on what you've said, I'd tell her to cram it. Maybe it's only $80, but if you let her get away with that now she'll continue to do it.
--------------------
NCP revue
|
JenH03
Platinum
Reged: 02/07/08
Posts: 227
|
|
Well the dumb part is she thinks this was "in advance," she even made a comment about that to my husband when he called her. I really don't think she knows what in advance means but that is no shocker.
She's getting the money this time, though she will be getting it $20 at a time since we are really low on funds right now, and the next time she asks my husband to pay for something "iffy" like this he is definitely going to discuss it with her.
|
pueblonative
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 337
Loc: Colorado
|
|
Sounds like whoever did your hubby's divorce contract screwed up. Any term such as "in advance" should be specifically spelling out (i.e. "advance notice shall refer to written notice given by the first party to the second party no more than two months but no less than two weeks prior to the purchase"). it's the technical, nitpicky language lawyers are slammed for, but it beats situations such as this.
--------------------
NCP revue
|
JenH03
Platinum
Reged: 02/07/08
Posts: 227
|
|
Oh his decree is a real mess, completely vague in so many ways and very open to interpretation (guess whose?!). But with only 3.5 years left until the youngest turns 18, he'll just ride it out til the end and be done with it, and hope that the vagueness doesn't keep coming back to bite him.
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
