monger
Gold
Reged: 09/30/08
Posts: 134
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I was with her since 15 and am now 32. We grew so apart over the years and grew very distant. After years of doubting the partner I chose - hell, I never dated anyone else - the constant fighting, lack of intimacy and no common ground drove me to make the hardest decision of my life. I left. I guess I was tired of feeling like I settled. We never had any conversation that kept my attention. I was never good enough. We shared different values(she's very Greek and her culture often came before me. My parents even said, after the fact, that they never saw us display any sort of affection. My brother said we were like squabbling brother and sister. And most of my friends were not surprised when I announced my decision.
Why do I feel so awful? The guilt. The self -doubt. I can't let go. Even though I know that having kids with my polar opposite would only make the future that much more difficult. How can I close this chapter?
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 451
Loc: New Hampshire
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You've been with her for most of your life and you're wondering why you feel awful?
I don't know your situation, but I have the same "symptoms" so I'll give you my own insights.
My stbx became home to me. When we were together, I was home - wherever that was. Her smell. Her voice. Her feel. The way she sounds just being near. Her presence. She was home to me.
You build your life around that and when she leaves of COURSE you're going to feel awful. The framework upon which you built your life has evaporated. It's like your own skeleton had been ripped out of your body.
And the guilt. You made a vow and it's being broken. You figure that there must have been SOMETHING you could have done or said or not done or said to have made everything OK.
Maybe there was. But you didn't - likely because you aren't perfect.
You've been holding on for years. Such habits don't fall away easily. Besides, it seems WRONG to let go. All things good in the world demanded that you hold on. Now you have to change direction.
Between that and having your life's framework ripped out, why would you feel any self doubt? Everything's changed. And you aren't feeling secure?
The good news is that you're normal. The bad news is you're normal and that this will hurt for a good long time. This chapter ain't over yet - nor will it be until you're completely sick of it. And even then....
All you can do sometimes is just...
Hang in there. Ever so slowly it gets better - but not until you ride this fricken roller coaster.
Tom
--------------------
So much to forget...
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monger
Gold
Reged: 09/30/08
Posts: 134
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Thanks for your response. You're right. My sense of comfort and security are gone. I'm looking for that feeling again but can't find it anywhere. I keep thinking that I should go back, but my logical side reminds me of the rift between us, the silence, our incompatibility. So I don't. Hoping that I'll move on. So frustrating. It's a battle between logic and emotion. I'm very attached to her. But still, I know, deep down, we were a terrible match.
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monger
Gold
Reged: 09/30/08
Posts: 134
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It certainly hurts. But so did my marriage. Wish I could remember that. So would having children with someone who isn't right for me and then walking away. At least I don't have that burden. I look up to anyone who's balancing that responsibility on top of the shock of this. Now that's strength.
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Divilish
Platinum
Reged: 09/14/08
Posts: 200
Loc: Dallas, TX
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Nicely put, I never thought of it that way but for me it was also true....
[quote]My stbx became home to me. When we were together, I was home - wherever that was. Her smell. Her voice. Her feel. The way she sounds just being near. Her presence. She was home to me.
You build your life around that and when she leaves of COURSE you're going to feel awful. The framework upon which you built your life has evaporated. It's like your own skeleton had been ripped out of your body.
And the guilt. You made a vow and it's being broken. You figure that there must have been SOMETHING you could have done or said or not done or said to have made everything OK.
Maybe there was. But you didn't - likely because you aren't perfect.
You've been holding on for years. Such habits don't fall away easily. Besides, it seems WRONG to let go. All things good in the world demanded that you hold on. Now you have to change direction.
Between that and having your life's framework ripped out, why would you feel any self doubt? Everything's changed. And you aren't feeling secure?
The good news is that you're normal. The bad news is you're normal and that this will hurt for a good long time. This chapter ain't over yet - nor will it be until you're completely sick of it. And even then....
All you can do sometimes is just...
Hang in there. Ever so slowly it gets better - but not until you ride this fricken roller coaster.
Tom [/quote]
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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This was your first love. Most of us experienced the pain of our first breakup at 15, dealt with it in the way 15 year olds deal with everything (extremely) and figured it out... 2 or 3 more times and SOME of us were ready for longer term... for some of us, it was MANY, MANY more breakups before finding Mr or Ms Right. Not that a breakup is ever easy, certainly not hte breakup of a marriage, but it's CERTAINLY a lot easier that it's not compounded with the world-shattering pain that you feel at the time of the FIRST breakup of the FIRST love.
And You also are experiencing on TOP of that, the normal marital shatterng where your hopes and dreams, your future and what it COULD have been... it's all gone. You no longer have a partner in life, as inadequate as that partner might have been for YOU, at least it was someone to share the burden of decisions with. A face to envision walking side by side with you in the future, with a stroller and little toddlers tugging on your pant legs. She was the one you knew, wanted, dreamed with. Yeah, it's really tough to let go of the dreams... even if we see that the relationship is all wrong, the dreams of what it COULD have been if only she had been a little different... it's tough to give up.
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monger
Gold
Reged: 09/30/08
Posts: 134
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I'm so tired of crying and second guessing myself. My life was driven and guided by fear. My gut told me for years that I should have - for lack of a better term - shopped around more before deciding on a life partner. I need to break the ties. Counseling twice a week and a support group tomorrow. I am trying.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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You were 15... what did you know? ALL of us, if we had been able to commit at age 15 to the first person who flipped our switches, would have... for about 10 minutes until our fickle little teen hearts would have flipped the off switch & made us shop around.
You didn't make a mistake with the information you had at the time you had it and the time you made the decision. You made the SAME decision that any OTHER 15 year old in love would have made! Don't beat yourself up on THAT issue... figure out how to get through the pain of the first breakup at age 32! It's got to be tough since you have zero experience in handling it.
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monger
Gold
Reged: 09/30/08
Posts: 134
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It's very tough. I have no frame of reference. I've never been on my own. I am, in many way, still 15 when it comes to relationships.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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What do you do for a living? Do you have family around? Are you and she still living in the same house or have you resolved the property issues and split yourselves in half yet? Sometimes, facing the split that's not yet happened is harder than reflecting on it after it's over.
Have you dealt with the business of splitting up stuff yet so that figuring out how to face the sadness and move forward is even an issue yet? I mean, when the business of figuring out who stays & who goes and how to re-finance and re-title and changing address and she gets living room furniture while you get dining room stuff... that is just SO overwhelming that if you push yourself to deal with it, it can help you give yourself time before you need to deal with the emotions of the whole mess.
How far along are you in the process?
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