Divorce Support Forums: actual child of divorce?

Yeah, you're probably right. There are better places for kids to hang out than wehre their parents are talking about their problems in handlign teh kids. But you might want to lurk for a whiel and recognize that in the divorces that THESE PEOPLE have experienced, the people who are maybe most ripped apart by it because they sought out a support group for it... THESE PEOPLE are much more optimistic about life and the possibilities of future togetherness than you are.

The problem with fairy tales is that they all end with "and they lived, happily ever after", as if it's all over the moment the "I do"s are said and no one actually has to think about it or work at it or negotiate or worry. As though the fairy tale moment of standing in great clothing with all your friends & family around you is the biggest part of the partnership, the end of needing to get together. The mere finding each other, the waking up of sleeping beauty, the overcoming of the evil witch who was keepign them apart or the kiss at the end of the story that sealed their love... it was all the hardship they'd ever face. Very young women feel that maybe the difficulty of arranging a band for the reception and coordinating everyone's outfits with the caterer's dishware and tableclothes is somehow the greatest difficulty they'll ever encounter... and all the work of it is over once they're alone in teh honeymoon suite... and if so, they've been thinking in the wrong direction... as you know. As everyone who has ever been divorced knows... the white dress and special cake and negotiating with the pastor not to say, "love, honor and OBEY"... are NOT the most important part of the marriage... but that's not what they tell us when they tell the fairy tale as we're growing up, is it?

It's worth figuring out. Life is not a fakc, disney-esque experience. Neither is love. Nothing is a guarantee, which is what I think some people want to believe... they want a guarantee of perfection once they say "I do", and that simply doesn't exist. It take choosing the right person and working hard at it and compromising. Some people can't do that and refuse and aren't right maybe for marriage. Others think that the feelings and caring are worth sacrificing the little bit of freedom that compromising and work at the partnership of marriage takes.

There is no choice you make in life that will keep you completely independent and free of risk. If you work, there will either be cmployers or clients... whoever provides the paycheck at the end of the week, who you will have to please... and they have no incentive to be equal partners with you and please YOU, so it's all on YOU... certainly not as satisfying as a marriage! If you decide to have children without getting married, you will be tied to negotiating with this person on parenting issues forever, without the emotional or legal commitment to try to work things out with HER.

If you want a housemate rather than a spouse, you'll have all the hassles, the negotiating on rent and cleaning and who buys the groceries... with none of the advantages.

Every one of the things you do in life will come with risk, work, negotiation. NOne of them is guarantee, none is a fairy tale. not EVEN marriage. I get worried at people who do the whole, expensive fairy tale version of a wedding, because they're missing the whole point, the deeper, hard work of love that needs to be addressed as more important than any special dance you learn just for the reception or dove release at the moment of "i do"...

The trick to marriage without feeling like it's a sham is that you have to remember that not everyone automatically agrees with you on all the details of marriage. EVERY detail is something you need to discuss and negotiate. It's give and take, and if you love the person you will give 100%. If you choose wisely, then they will ALSO be giving 100%... together, your life will overflow with love and effort and it will work quite well. Neither of you will sit around doing nothing while the other waits on them... you'll both be trying to please each other.

And you need ot remember to keep this up even after the honeymoon is over and the thank you notes are all in the mail... to NEVER let yourself get lazy or to never encourage her to do so either... to move forward and work together to face a difficult world.

It's hard to get everything done in a day that the world expects people do to. It's easier if you can divide up the chores and share them with a partner. But you have to choose your partner wisely.

And the challenge of life is that it never works out exactly as we expect... somethings so wonderful we never would have dreamed of them, will show up in your life... and some things so awful you think they exceed the problems your parents put you through, will also show up. Expect both. And hope that you find a way to gracefully accept the great stuff and survive through the bad stuff.

None of this means that marriage is a sham. It's a risk. It is always a risk. Which is why you don't go into it without thinking really hard about it first.

You may want to find a counselor who can help you sort out the individual issues that seem to be lingering for you from your own parent's divorce. You need to balance the fairy tale and disappointment in that fairy tale with a mroe realistic point of view. You can do it, but becasue your parents kind of gave you a funky version of how it's supposed to be done, maybe you need someone else to talk to about it to figure out how to work it out for yourself.

Good luck. You deserve to be able to find happiness, even if it's not a fairy tale.