taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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i think that i need to revamp my attitude towards the stbx's gf and kids.
no NOT revamp it, but revisit the 'relationship' i have mentally.
while the gf and kids are bad news,
it would seem i will have no choice but to have my kids be around them, so.....
im going to slowly but surely
work at establishing some sort of mature adult relationship here.
is this a viable option?
im thinking that in reality, she will be taking as much, if not more care of my kids than my stbx when our kids go to his house.
so....how do the rest of you deal with it?
those of you with truely unhealthy adults that live with your children's other parent...what do you do here?
what is the best thing for the kids?
or should i just say the hell with it and treat her like white trash?
somehow,
im thinking my best best is to be a bit less bitchy and maybe even 'nice'...
now,
mind you, rumor has this relationship going south,
but we've all heard that before! LOL>
so...what is the best course of action for the good of the kids? would she be inclnded ot be nicer? keep my values? anything if i treat her kindly instead of like a psycho [censored]? or will she just do whatever anyhow?
ps. what a weird way of thinking...to befriend the other woman in your kids life. odd, wierd, sad, but possibly, necessary...
all input welcome.
pss.
if she wasnt nuts id rather deal with her than my stbx.
but she is nuts....
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taryn.
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CityGirl
Platinum
Reged: 06/11/08
Posts: 634
Loc: Texas
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I was divorced before. Three weeks after my daughter's dad left he moved in with this woman. At first I did not care for her at all. But, she was a nurse, and I knew who was taking care of my daughter. She was, not my ex. So, I was nice to her, and I was rather relieved, because I felt like a nurse would never purposely hurt a child and because I felt like she had some brains (except for the letting my ex move in with her part). Anyhow, to make a long story short, she and my ex parted ways years ago. She moved away, but we became quite good friends, believe it or not. In fact, summer before last my daughter and I flew to Canada to meet her there (she's married now with a son and step-daughter) at her parents (she lives in Connecticut but is from Canada).
At first it did feel very strange. What was really strange is one night she called me asking me what she should do (ex was doing same things to her he did to me, staying out all night but acting like it was my problem not his, blah blah). Anyway, I told her she shouldn't ask me that, because I'm good at BREAKING UP because if it was me I would throw all his shit into the front yard and change the locks. She then told me that she had been wanting to do that a long time, but she was afraid she wouldn't ever get to see my daughter. I assured her that I knew she was the one taking care of my daughter and that I would let her see her. Anyway, she threw the ex out and changed the locks. If I had a date or needed to do something and she wasn't working, she kept my daughter. She even threw a birthday party for her at her house that was awesome.
And we even went out many times, went to movies together, etc. It did, and still does, bother my ex that she and I get along so great!
So, I guess it all depends on your situation. But, I had been praying and praying because I was scared to death my ex would drink himself into a coma and then my little girl would be running around his apartment by herself (or with some of his friends, who knows) getting into who knows what. So, at first I hated her guts. But in the end, she has become a great friend. Besides, it was funny when people would ask how we met and she'd say "shy's my ex fiances ex-wife" or I would say "she's my ex-husband's ex fiance."
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NHTom
Platinum
Reged: 06/10/08
Posts: 451
Loc: New Hampshire
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Thank-you CityGirl.
That's about as sane a posting as I've ever read.
Beautiful attitude and definitely what is best for one's offspring.
Tom
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So much to forget...
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ssrachel
Platinum
Reged: 05/23/07
Posts: 2070
Loc: a better place :)
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if you can do that, girl, i give you credit. i have no respect for my ex or his wife, therefore, there will be no extending of the olive branch. respect is important in any kind of relationship. i don't bad mouth either of them in front of the girls, but my girls aren't stupid. they know there's no love lost between the ex and me or his wife and me.
again, kudos to you for taking that route.
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What you reap is what you sow and so it goes...
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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[quote]if you can do that, girl, i give you credit. i have no respect for my ex or his wife, therefore, there will be no extending of the olive branch. respect is important in any kind of relationship. i don't bad mouth either of them in front of the girls, but my girls aren't stupid. they know there's no love lost between the ex and me or his wife and me.
again, kudos to you for taking that route. [/quote]\
oh, kat.
i SO do not get kudos as i have NO idea if i even can take this route. i do NOT want to, but now ive got to start thinking of my kids safety and well being.
plus i figure i can do this on a case by case situaiton.
i can change my tune at anytime.
i just want to see if ANYONE else sucked it up and tried this route and if it was best for thier kids, confused them or made no difference.
t
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taryn.
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lettinggo
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 591
Loc: Michigan
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Taryn:
My ex is such a lying snake it was and still is hard for me to even try speaking with him. We are at this point now where we do not talk and he pretty much leaves me alone which gives me the much deserved peace I need to move on. As for the gf...
It is very hard for me to try and even be remotely nice to her. I have tried, a couple of times, to no avail. She's young and very immature. I do know she's good with my son when she's around but my ex and her are so off and on it's just really hard to tell anymore. When they break up, my ex always has someone else in line for a bit then when that doesn't work out, he's back to the gf. The thing I hate the most is that my ex just brings our son around anyone. There are so many in and out of my son's life it's confusing to him. I on the other hand have only went on a couple of dates and have not brought my son around anyone. I plan on keeping it that way for a while. He needs stability.
I guess what I'm trying to say is it really depends on your situation if you can get along with the gf or not. If she's nice and civil then try but if she gives you nothing but grief, as in my case, I would say just forget it. Don't badmouth or talk about them in front of your kids and just go about your life as normally as you can. It's your choice and you just have to feel out what you think would be the best situation for you:) Good luck!!
Jenn
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Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go
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scbeck
Platinum
Reged: 12/29/07
Posts: 886
Loc: New Brunswick Canada
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Taryn I came to this same conclusion a few months ago when I knew my daughter was going to be gone for a month in the summer living with her Dad and his GF and her kids. Her father is so inconsistent at times and volatile that I knew my daughter would need someone. Funny I finally started to be polite and accepting of his new life and last night my daughter informed me that her dad broke up with her (again). Unfortunately over the summer my daughter had time to bond with the Gf and her kids so now she is feeling the loss too.
All I can say is once I backed up and stopped treating the GF like the enemy (because really he was the one who left me) my stbx became a lot more cooperative so that I was able to finally get the house sold, a separation agreement signed and a new house purchased. Maybe it is what you will need to do to make things easiler for you and the kids.
Christine
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
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soon2bfree07
Gold
Reged: 10/19/07
Posts: 175
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You all are really brave and strong!!
I really cannot relate as my child does not see the stbx or his G/F due to the actions he took against our child and his G/F's violent ways!!!
But one day I WILL shake her hand when she puts him in his grave or a full body cast!!! I'm being serious here, she's been incarcerated 4 times that I know of and is facing 6 yrs in jail for assaulting him with "deadly weapons"!!!
No lie!!! He bought her a house and now is supposedly renting a room in another house 1/2 blk down from her!!!
Yet her Myspace page states all over it about how much they love each other!!!! OMG!!!
Karma is the best!!!
You reap what you sow!!!
What comes around goes around!!!
But honestly, I can't say how much I envy how brave you are for even trying to be accepting of the other person.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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My 1st ex-husband married his best friends wife, they have a son who is 3 months older than our son together...she was supposed to have been my friend too. My son calls her mom. I realize that she is trash, a habitual liar, & in general an idiot...but I'd still rather deal with her than my ex.
My 2nd ex doesn't seem to be able to keep a steady girlfriend for long. When I met the woman he was cheating on me with, it was in a parking lot where he was taking the kids back up to MI for one month. After I told the ex what a ugly skank she was (out of kids earshot of course)...I only said one thing to her, "I don't know what you are all about but don't let him hurt my kids."
Yes, I say pretend if you must but try to keep at least a civil relationship.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2460
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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yeah.
so. upon further reflection and too close encounter,
i really dont think i can do this anyhow.
i hope i grow up and can,
but for now i think so 'white trash' everytime
i see this chick's kids that i dont see trying
to explain why one of the kids shouldnt have chocolate to this woman or mentioning any trival kid stuff.
im going to just write notes and deal with it that way.
i think...
OR..ill try and grow up and rise above...maybe by easter...
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taryn.
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