ewegogirl
New
Reged: 10/06/08
Posts: 4
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I originally posted this in the Oregon forum but have gotten no responses so I am reposting it here:
Hello all,
I just joined this forum and am looking for some advise.
In late September my soon to be ex and I finally went to a judicial hearing regarding child support, spousal support, and custody/ visitation.
I was awarded temporary legal custody of my children ( 13 and 16 ) and we agreed to every other weekend for husband for visitation. I was also awarded child and spousal support.
Here are my issue:
When I agreed to visitation it was because husband had told the judge he would get an apartment for the kids. He is living in a converted garage room in my brother in laws home with BIL's four kids. I feel husband lied to the judge to get visitation because now he is NOT getting an apartment and moving my son into his garage room with him and my daughter into my neices room ( which when I talked with both kids about the visitation's the first thing she said to me was she did not want to bunk with her cousin, she felt uncomfortable with her and wanted her privacy ). I talked with husband about this and he said he would make the decisions for where the kids lived while he had them. I am pretty upset about this and don't think he is being sensitive to her needs. Also his visitation time should be one on one with his kids and not his entire family.
The other issue is that husband was supposed to have the agreement drafted by his attorney and submitted to the courts for my approval by October 1st. It is now October 5th and the paperwork is not complete nor is child support which was to be paid bi monthly is not paid. He did pay spousal support on the 1st.
I would appreciate any thoughts and advice. My attorney knows about all of this and is only asking me to document at this point but with husband ignoring mostly all of the court details I feel more should and could be done.
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dramanomore
Gold
Reged: 09/24/08
Posts: 170
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After divorce the courts tend to be lient with sleeping arrangements for the children. It is believed that after a divorce there will be economic hardship and people will have to have time to get on their feet.
They are in a stable home enviroment with relatives. So, you will have a difficult time argueing that since they don't have their own room, they should not visit.
This will though give you a stronger case in retaining primary custody of the children, because you do have a "place for them."
As for the child support, there is little you can do to make him pay. It isn't right, but the list of parents who don't pay child support is very long.
I would suggest removing yourself from the collection as much as possible. Go to child support enforcement and hand over your judgement. They will handle collection and garnishment of wages. This will at least take some of the bill collection responsibilities off of you.
He is stalling on the paperwork. You might want to take the hit and have your attny draft and file for you. My guess is that he will simply wait it out, because he has no reason to file.
Best of luck!
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1304
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Your soon to be X told the judge he would get an appartment for the kids. There own apartment? I dought that. Did he say how many rooms and that each kid would have there own space? Sounds like your upset that your soon to be X didn't come into a large sum of money and can't afford a bigger place to live. Sounds like the STBX is doing the best he can at the moment and maybe in a few months after all the legal fees are paid and court cost he could save a little money to find a better place. What is important is that basic needs are taken care of. Your option is to take him back to court rack up more court cost and legal fees on both sides, futher delaying the process of moving on with each others lives. If the kids are not in danger then let it go take the money you would spend on legal fees and spend it on your kids.
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momomof4
Silver
Reged: 08/02/08
Posts: 50
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I doubt he used the "I'll get an apartment" as an attempt to get visitation, but more of something that he does intend to do in time. He has a right to have parenting time with the children, and probably would have still been awarded the same living where he is, as long as the children are not in danger. Be thankful that he wants to see them, and explain to the kids that, for now, that's the way things are. I know it sounds harsh, but kids adapt pretty easily if the adults are willing to go with it.
As far as the child support, I do agree with dramanomore about taking collection out of your hands. The less things you have to argue about between the two of you, the better you can focus on the children.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1629
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ewegogirl:
Couple of thoughts. You did not agree to visitation. Your ex has the right to visitation. If you go back to court, he will cry poverty and he will win. You have no right to dictate what he does with his parenting time as that is not your time. In addition, as long as he has beds for them, there is not much a court is going to do.
Secondly, you write up the agreement and submit it. He can drag it out forever. So take back the control and get him a document to edit if possible. No one said you had to wait for him forever.
I know it is hard to accept the statements your ex makes, but really - do you think he wants to live with 4 kids and his brother forever? Your kids are old enough to talk to him and to work with him on this issue. You need to stay out of it.
As for unpaid child support, simply document. And if he is a w-2 employee, get the state to collect it and take it out of your hands altogether.
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twins1
Platinum
Reged: 06/26/08
Posts: 312
Loc: PA
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I agree with everyone else that responded. I'm sure he's not thrilled with having to live in a garage either. This way he will be able to save some money and get an apartment after awhile. Its actually sad that he needs to live in a garage. But the kids will only be there EOW so i'm sure they can adapt.
At least he wants to see his kids. and that the BIL is willing to have the kids EOW too!! No your 13 daughter probably doesn't want to bunk with her cousin. oh well. life isn't always fair.
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twinsmom
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ewegogirl
New
Reged: 10/06/08
Posts: 4
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Let me back up and try to explain some things because I obviously did not do a good job the first time around.
My stbx is an executive and makes quite a bit of money. He is paying $600 a month to live in his garage room and can easily afford an apartment, they are cheap here. He originally moved in to my BIL's garage while he told blatant lies to try to get me thrown out of our house and move back here.
He told the courts that I am an unfit mother, a drug addict, am mentally ill, and that he has always been the childrens primary caregiver. None of this stuff is true and the judge saw through his lies and awarded me custody of the home. Based on his income the limited judgement is for child and spousal support and to pay half of the mortgage on our home, which he can easily afford to do while still providing a proper home for his children.
All along his motives have been to ruin me financially, he has stated this more than once.
He doesn't NEED to live in this garage, he chooses to do so for people to feel sorry for him. He wants to play the poor me card so that maybe people will feel sorry for him.
He doesn't really want the kids, he just can't stand giving me any money to support them. He has barely seen them at all in 6 months.
I am not at all trying to be greedy, I just want him to be responsible and do what is right. Currently I am paying all the bills including the credit he has racked up ( including ones that are in his name only )because I don't want his or my credit destroyed through this mess. This means I have to work two jobs to try to make ends meet.
He has a serious gambling problem which is the reason why he can't pay his bills. I am tired of covering for him and tired of working so darn hard to make up for the loss of income that has been suffered as a result of his selfish choices.
If anything he is the unfit parent and never has been the primary caregiver. I have gone from a mostly stay at home mom to working two jobs to care for my children because I will do what I have to to not destroy their lives in the process. All I am asking from him is to do what is fair and right and am in no way motivated to squeeze him in such a way as to take away his quality of life.
I hope this clears things up some.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1281
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First piece of advise. Stop pay credit cards in his name only. You're fueling his gambling habit by taking on his burden. Did you put the charges on the card? Did they benefit you? If not, don't pay it. By taking on that debt (his debt), you are setting a precedent. Don't do it.
If you have a visitation schedule setup, document how it plays out. If he's not exercising his visitation time after a while, you can submit your documentation to the court for a later divorce hearing and his CS will be adjusted accordingly. His actions will speak louder than his words to the court.
You're going to have to suck it up for a while, even if it makes you unhappy. His true colors will show through in the long run, and things should work out fairly.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1629
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Sorry, this is a bit long.
Quote: My stbx is an executive and makes quite a bit of money. He is paying $600 a month to live in his garage room and can easily afford an apartment, they are cheap here. He originally moved in to my BIL's garage while he told blatant lies to try to get me thrown out of our house and move back here.
*** Again, he may have needed to do that for his own reasons during the divorce, but he isn't going to stay there long term now that it is over. Sometimes the battle is won by never fighting it. Can you imagine him entertaining 2 kids in a house with 4 kids with one room of his own??? By not fighting it, he has to deal with his choices and your kids can fight him on it too.
QUOTE: He told the courts that I am an unfit mother, a drug addict, am mentally ill, and that he has always been the childrens primary caregiver. None of this stuff is true and the judge saw through his lies and awarded me custody of the home. Based on his income the limited judgement is for child and spousal support and to pay half of the mortgage on our home, which he can easily afford to do while still providing a proper home for his children.
****I know this is hurtful behavior and scary to have someone accuse you of things, but here is the reality. It is over. You are divorced. Now, unfortunately, you have to turn the other cheek and move into the post divorced life. None of what you say here is going to change that he has the right to parent the kids with you. He has the right to his parenting times and the right to decide how to spend those times.
Quote: All along his motives have been to ruin me financially, he has stated this more than once.
***Again - not your issue. You need to ask your attorney to get you set up with the State Child support Enforcement Agency. That way, when he decides to ruin you, he is going to have to tell the state what he is doing. His employer is legally obligated to collect the money for the state.
QUOTE: He doesn't NEED to live in this garage, he chooses to do so for people to feel sorry for him. He wants to play the poor me card so that maybe people will feel sorry for him.
***Again - the poor me card is his to play. Let him play it. It doesn't change that it gets old after a while when you are living in the garage and no one cares.
QUOTE: He doesn't really want the kids, he just can't stand giving me any money to support them. He has barely seen them at all in 6 months.
*** Yup and that won't change unfortunately. Unless, there is someone that he hates giving him orders telling him how to spend his time with the kids, where to live, etc. Imagine how much fun it will be for him to have your kids EOW in one room. They will complain and fight. If he hasn't spent much time, that probably will not change the less challenge you put in front of him.
QUOTE: I am not at all trying to be greedy, I just want him to be responsible and do what is right. Currently I am paying all the bills including the credit he has racked up ( including ones that are in his name only )because I don't want his or my credit destroyed through this mess. This means I have to work two jobs to try to make ends meet.
**Once you are divorced, your agreement will spell out what he will have to pay and what you have to pay. You need to understand that getting divorced didn't change the man, it just changed his marital status. So, I am betting that he was behind on these bills prior to the marriage ending?
I know you are angry. But the anger at what is not fair is only going to eat you up. People ask me how I do what I do with four kids and a really off the charts terrible ex. Answer? Because I got up today and no one offered me the option not to. So, I can choose to get up angry that my kids don't have 1/2 the life I thought we were going to have or I can get up and smile because the kids are with me and happy. And trust me - that choice was not apparent without a lot of therapy and faith.
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