sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3078
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Lets just say ...I could forget because now...it is useless to question it....I am divorcing him....What happen before cannot be corrected and I really have a much more pleasant life now that he is gone...I have'nt talked to him in seven months and don't have to...
He is what he is....and can continue to be...I have better things to do now....I can live with my self....I just hope he can't live with himself regardless if he thinks he did'nt do any thing....
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Sassinmama
New
Reged: 10/22/06
Posts: 13
Loc: Atlanta, GA area
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I just found this site last night and these posts have been SUCH an affirmation to me! It took me 20 years in an abusive marriage before I finally decided to get a divorce. I left him a little over a year ago and our divorce should be final within the next 4-8 weeks if all goes well. And I suspect that is only because he's found someone else - he has all the sudden decided he wants it finished and isn't going to fight me anymore.
It took SO long to, first, admit to myself the abuse was happening and then, second, to dare to get a divorce. We were separated twice because of his abuse of the kids. But he has the BEST public facade I've ever seen. It fools EVERYONE. He is so meek, mild-mannered, and gentle for all to see -- it seems he couldn't possibly squash a bug, much less abuse his family in private. In 20 years I've known of only 5 or 6 people who have seen past his facade and only 2 of those realized he was abusing his family in private. The others figured out he was a pathological liar.
This past year I have gotten really up close and personal with the reasons women either don't leave an abuser or go back to one. It has been hell. There are NO resources for women whose abusers don't leave bruises. I can't qualify for legal aid, though I have no income. So I have to pay a high-priced attorney somehow (I owe him a gajillion dollars) because my hubby has been fighting for custody of our 4-year-old. I'm determined he WILL NOT have custody of her because, though he hasn't laid a finger on her yet because she's still so young and cute, the day WILL come. And then it will be too late. And he completely convinced the judge at our temporary hearing. I only barely maintained custody because of one statement in one of the afidavits I submitted and the judge put heavy qualifiers on me to be able to keep custody at final.
If I didn't have family to live with I'd truly be sunk. I've finally found work in the last week and the pay is atrocious. Being a stay-home mom for the past 20 years, though I kept my office skills up, has made finding a job almost impossible. The judge is requiring me to have a living income and a home of my own to keep custody of my 4-year-old.
Anyone who says verbal and emotional abuse aren't real has never lived with them. Eventually, in a true batterer, they will escalate (though my hubby always explained it away; it was always my fault or the kids' fault -- you know how that goes). But that daily terrorism is just as deadly as visible bruises and broken bones. I left him as soon as I was strong enough after completing chemo and I believe I got cancer (no family history or risk factors) because of living in that nightmare for so long. I have a friend who had a heart attack at 40 because of the stress of living with a verbal abuser.
I went looking for online support because I can't find anything out there IRL. For women who have visible bruises there are resources. But for those of us who have lived a private and invisible nightmare there is nothing. I'm having trouble acting like it's OK that the people who are my friends are still friends with my nearly-X. Especially my church. But it's all my word against his, even though the straw that broke the camel's back the summer before I left him was being sexually assaulted 3 times. Even that action he did subtly by "taking" it when I was under the influence of sleeping pills due to the chemo. It makes me so angry to think about what happened and yet no one (other than my psych who helped me finally get rid of the nightly nightmares and 3-4 days/week migraines) believes it was that big a deal - or that it was even assault. I feel like I've lost EVERYTHING - not just the illusion of normalcy with a marriage.
Thanks for these posts!
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-- Sassinmama
"Never let life steal your sass!"
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sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3078
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You have found a safe haven here....your private hell is acknowledged...I had the brusies... the emotional and verbal hell also...when I look at it now...it looks like a nightmare that I am veiwing...but I could not accept it as mine....even with all the terror and threats...I still could only think of how it was in the beginning...when I was 17 and started dating him.....it was to hard to see what he really has become...this is the real person he is..the one I had in my head...did'nt exsist....
So sorry for your illness...I hope it is in remission and cured....I loss my sense of smell and taste because of all the crying..I had chronic sinuses...but when they took scans...they could find no reason physically for this....
post-traumatic stress....how could we take all this...to embarassed to tell anyone or have anyone think we had problems....and the fear of having to someday deal with all this can real make you very ill...
The court system in not always reliable...they let stbx go to trial with jury and win...I had him arrested for domestic violence...he pled not guilty...coward....the pictures they took look like I was in a war zone....he had to be in jail for 72 hrs. and had a $5,000 fine....the states attorney botched up every thing and so did my first lawyer...signing away my order of protection for support money that I was intitled to anyway.....alot to learn...thank God for the internet and his soc.no.....I learned so much about myself and stbx since March 10th. of this yr.
Finding yourself begins with admitting there is a problem...and not neccessarily you...your problem like mine was accepting the worst behavior for yourself...we just took it because the punishment that they could place on us was horrible...I have two grown sons...that survived all this intact with the belief that controlling someone was wrong...something I always told them..but I should of listened to my self say it....I did'nt even feel human anymore...just a head-nodding doll...trying to save her precious little self-regard from totally disappearing...
Thank-God it will soon be over for you..maybe soon mine will be too....I like my life now...It feels good not to have to cry every day and not feel loved or cared for...to much was given to them...I have taken back all of it...he can stand alone with his horrid mommy that he so listen to...I am glad he is gone...I deserve better for my self....and plan on taking it alone for awhile till I know everything I need so this never happens again...
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Sandra52
New
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 17
Loc: Mississippi
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Welcome! There are a lot of nice people here. I stumbled in here and am thankful I did. Sometimes knowing we aren't alone makes a world of difference.
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Think wrongly if you please, but in all cases think for yourself. -- Doris Lessing
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Sassinmama
New
Reged: 10/22/06
Posts: 13
Loc: Atlanta, GA area
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My stbx is a mama's boy too. He called her and "tattled" on me throughout our marriage, at least every week. I felt she was the "other woman" in our marriage in many ways. He definitely had a stronger emotional connection to her than he ever did with me. His relationship with her was the priority relationship. In fact, when I told him I was getting a divorce he immediately moved to Tennessee (I live in GA) to be near his parents -- and tried to take the two youngest children. That was when I hired an attorney and had him served. After that, the law here doesn't allow either of us to remove the minor children from the jurisdiction of the court unless permanent or temporary custody has been determined.
We have 2 boys who are 17 and almost 20. I am amazed at how well they are turning out considering what they've lived through. Yes, they have issues. The oldest got the lion's share of the physical abuse and he barely tolerates his dad. The second is in denial. He even told the judge at our preliminary trial that there wasn't any abuse. He's since told me he does remember the abuse (he always denied it when it happened; said he didn't remember) but he still excuses it and/or thinks it is not as bad as it really is. His issue is he is totally enmeshed in the whole passive-aggressive manipulation thing with his dad. That's even harder to define and pinpoint to teach him how to behave differently. Both boys have had problems treating me like their father did whenever they are upset with me - yelling, screaming, swearing and calling me vile names. I've had to take a very hard line with them on it in the past year but we've made tons of progress. They've never been wild or rebellious otherwise, though. I think we've been lucky there. No drugs or delinquency, etc. They are both hard workers and remarkably responsible for their ages.
I've learned a ton about my stbx since I started seeing my psych in Feb of this year. Even uncovered major ways he deliberately deceived me the ENTIRE time we were married. That helped me alot - to have tangible proof that it wasn't me after all. It also made me realize trying to keep his secrets and, at the same time, despising me because I didn't figure it out, probably had a lot to do with the way he treated me. That was when the nightmares and migraines stopped -- he didn't have the power to terrify me anymore.
My attorney has been in agreement with me that we would only hurt my case if we tried to convince the court of his sexual assault, etc. There's no proof and since he has such an incredibly convincing demeanor I'd look like a raving idiot. It's hard to accept that there will be no justice but I keep trying to remind myself that at least I'm not living with my stomach in a knot every day wondering when the next eruption was going to happen, and walking on egg shells trying to make sure I don't cross one of his invisible and ever-changing lines. And as far as I can have anything to do with it, my daughter will not learn by my example to marry an abuser herself someday.
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-- Sassinmama
"Never let life steal your sass!"
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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##Bump##
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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,,
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scbeck
Platinum
Reged: 12/29/07
Posts: 885
Loc: New Brunswick Canada
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Puppy,
Sunshine said it well. Please remember you were no more responsible for what your ex did to that woman than you are for what he did to you. HE IS THE ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS. You are responsible only for you. As long as you keep feeling this responsibility he has some control over you. It is time to let go. Your freedom now honors her memory.
Christine
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
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newgal08
New
Reged: 03/10/08
Posts: 8
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AMEN!!!! I could not have said it better!
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newgal08
New
Reged: 03/10/08
Posts: 8
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For God's sake, it is NOT your fault that he killed that girl! HE DID IT. I hope you have stopped torturing yourself.
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