mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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Stage 1 - Tension building
Tension starts to build, minor incidents begin, breakdown of communication, victim feels the need to placate the abuser, tension becomes unbearable
Stage 2 - Incident - any type of abuse occurs: physical, sexual, and/or emotional
Stage 3 - Honeymoon stage
Abuser apologizes for abuse, promises it will never happen again, blames victim for provoking abuse, denies abuse took place or that it wasn't as bad as the victim claims, gift-giving by the abuser.
Stage 4 - Calm
Incident is "forgotten", no abuse is taking place, promises made during honeymoon phase are being met.
Then it's back to stage 1 - tension building.
The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship with the total cycle taking from a few hours to a year or more to complete.
(WP51:Cycvio) gdb 8/90
Keep speaking out - don't be afraid to leave or seek help.
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sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3078
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Wow...I have read this how many times before??
but fear...that they have instilled in us...and not knowing what to expect...is the stopping factor....
But you do reach a point of desperation...and all the things that you know and have heard that are right...sink in....and something is done....and the relief that follows this decision....is the most peace and empowerment you have felt in a long,long time....then you know if it is right or wrong...clarity of your own thoughts and feelings is the reward...the strenght that you acquire from just doing what is neccessary to live the right way...is a feeling that dominates anything that happened...
When you know better...you do better and learn more about yourself and the power of survival is very strong...
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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Isn't it amazing that I didn't realize the cycle was happening in my own house - even though I was helping other women deal with it?
Sometimes you have to step away from the situation to see what is actually happening - while typing this yesterday was when I could truly see the pattern that happened in my house. It started off as a large gap and then increasing got more frequent.
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sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3078
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I really don't think we see ourselves as having a problem...until we hear what someone else has gone thru...then we begin to realise that we too...have something wrong in our lives....
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koula60
Platinum
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1121
Loc: Notheast
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mistake#2 this is exactly how my abuse was sporadic it seems every 10 years there was a huge unacceptable episode, however the last decade it occured more than that.
what i had not noticed or realized was that my husband was also being abusive by not helping the family meet it's daily needs.
my kids had gone to bed numerous times with hunger in their stomaches, if not for my family being near by or the assistance of the local shelter we would have never gotten over those times.
He never went a day however without his drugs or alcohol.
But telling our daughter she was fat enough to go without eating for a month seemed appropriate to him somehow!
That verbal abuse to her was the worst!!!
YEAH!!! i am so happy he is no longer here, life seems so much clearer, calmer, consistent.
We still struggle but somehow it just isn't as hard with him gone.
thank you ladies for reminding me again i have made the right decision.
--------------------
Walking through the Pain.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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My kids were too afraid of him retaliating to tell me what he was doing.
Calling my 7 year old daughter a b#tch, throwing my 4 year old son across the room into his bed making him hit the wall, picking my children up by their throats and holding them against the wall while screaming profanities in their face, telling my son he's stupid and a ratfink, knocking my son in the back of his head, grabbing my daughter by her bad wrist to pull her from room to room, not feeding my kids when I was at work and making them go to bed hungry because he was too busy smoking weed and playing video games.
The poor dears practically had a nervous break-down when I thought we were going back to MI, they begged me not to make them go - the absolute opposite of what I thought would happen, cause I didn't know what was happening to them. I thought the abuse was only to me and that they knew nothing about it. When asked why they didn't tell, it was because when they had told me in the past I would confront him because I was not going to allow it - but then when I wasn't there he'd punish them for telling me.
Calm and consistent - I enjoy that now in my life too!
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sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3078
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Stbx would say I was telling my sons horrible things about him and that's why they did'nt want to talk to him..
When my older son was learning to drive the poor kid had to have him for a teacher not me.....and once when we were all going somewhere together...stbx decided to let him pratice....I never heard such bad mouthing and yelling...my youngest son was 4 or 5 yrs.old at that time and he just bust-out screaming he was so afraid....he just drove a few feet....then stbx proceeded to tell me I raised a bunch of sissies that can't take it....I was just shocked...and remained quiet till we got home...then all hell broke loose...He told me I was'nt women enough for him and that I was stupid and he doubted these kids were even his...and I better not think of leaving him because he'll take these kids from me so fast my head would spin...and from now on...I better listen to him..or things could get worse....
I hope there is a special hell for these jerks.....
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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I think it's important to many that we educate everyone about domestic violence.
I'm going to keep bumping older threads for the newer posters...hope it helps.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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bumping it up again!
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finsup68
New
Reged: 05/15/07
Posts: 5
Loc: Florida
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Thank you for bumping this up to the front. It sounds like the last year of my life ! He came to see our daughter today. Nice and sweet and tears... I didn't let the tears get to me this time. I asked him where he wanted to be served the divorce papers... home or work.
He hasn't done a thing the counselor told him last week to do. Said he might not go back to the counselor because he said harsh things to him last week. I reminded him he wasn't taking our daughter out of my house without continueing counseling and taking parenting classes.
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