MommaMia
Platinum
Reged: 02/17/07
Posts: 376
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Thanks for the bump. This describes my situation as well, even after the divorce. When my ex has his "episode" they tend to increase in intensity each time. Never physical, always verbal and emotional or whatever he could do to hurt me. Just when I think he can't possibly do anything worse, he tops himself. I am so tired of living in fear at what will set him off.
Add drugs or alcohol to this mix and the "incident" becomes very unpredictable.
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ginnyos
Bronze
Reged: 06/18/07
Posts: 31
Loc: Wyoming
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Isn't it strange that there are so many similarities in the tactics & mind games these guys play, & things they say?
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3116
Loc: Florida
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BUMPING IT UP AGAIN.
[quote]Stage 1 - Tension building
Tension starts to build, minor incidents begin, breakdown of communication, victim feels the need to placate the abuser, tension becomes unbearable
Stage 2 - Incident - any type of abuse occurs: physical, sexual, and/or emotional
Stage 3 - Honeymoon stage
Abuser apologizes for abuse, promises it will never happen again, blames victim for provoking abuse, denies abuse took place or that it wasn't as bad as the victim claims, gift-giving by the abuser.
Stage 4 - Calm
Incident is "forgotten", no abuse is taking place, promises made during honeymoon phase are being met.
Then it's back to stage 1 - tension building.
The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship with the total cycle taking from a few hours to a year or more to complete.
(WP51:Cycvio) gdb 8/90
Keep speaking out - don't be afraid to leave or seek help. [/quote]
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**4 weeks to go**
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sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3077
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The time between stage 1 and stage 4...starts to dimimish...and it only becomes stage 1 and stage 2...that is when there is no hope left...and as I found out...staying can lead to living in my bedroon with the door bolted every night...no life....if you can remember the you are worth more than this and make yourself aware..not ashamed..it isn't your fault like they want you to believe...would you ask for this???...then it isn't your fault...
get yourself to an abuse organization..it is private and very personal...don't feel like your damage goods..if you remain uniformed..then they will win and it will get much worse..if you can imagine anything more worse the degrading another human being for the sole purpose of feeling good about themselves.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2105
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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violence can be verbal emotional and physical.
the in between stages can be VERY long.
once you forget or stop toeing the line...
...look out!
and
a 'smart' person....leaves NO marks dam n it.
between violence...days, weeks, months, yeasrs,
there is the never ending control over your mind, emotions and soul.
i Hate abuse.
i hate being the toad boiled in the water
who almost exploded and didnt even
know what was happening.
glad i jumped out of the water.
now this toad just needs to find the
missing lily pad. for crying out loud!
taryn.
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taryn.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3116
Loc: Florida
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It's been a while since I bumped this up...so I thought I'd push it up again.
I wanted to add something to those who think an abuser can just get better without seeking professional help. My now 8 year old son had witnessed his brother & sister being "manhandled" we'll call it...heard his father growl, cuss and name call...was abused by him also, still talks about the time that his dad suffocated him and the times that his dad threw him...but he was willing to forgive his dad. I heard many times last year after short visitations how his dad wasn't MEAN anymore and how he had "changed". I would smile and tell my son that it was wonderful & that I was happy for him, all while knowing that he was still abusing our daughter, not doing what was best for our sons health and just waiting & hoping that he would stop altogether. Two weeks ago he hit my son in the face. My son has had multiple health issues and had sinus surgery on halloween which was then followed by complications. He hadn't seen our son in 5 months but after having him for only two days he had already hit him in the face, called him names & cussed at him. Then he went back to the "honeymoon stage"...so what does my son think now?
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**4 weeks to go**
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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I'll bite. Your son thinks he did something wrong & deserved the hit, his father has apologized & is all better now & all your son has to do is not be... wahtever he was before... again. How silly of him for being sick & having complications & then annoying his father, who of course had all the stress of having to fly to florida & rent a hotel room just to spend time with him. Heck, I'll bet your ex even blamed it on YOU that he was violent. YOU made him take this visit there, under those horrible conditions that stressed him out & ...
Cycle of violence 101. Do I pass the course, professor?
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confuseddad333
New
Reged: 12/18/07
Posts: 4
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these are some interesting pieces, i need some advice or support or something. my wife and i are not physical with eachother, however, we have been equally verbally abusive to eachother... i think her more than me, but im sure she would say the same about me...anyway, what i can not take anymore is her using my 2 1/2 yr old son as a pawn against me both psychologically and emotionally. I love my son to pieces, as would any parent-he is the sun in my universe! the only reason i am still around her. she gets these wild ideas to leave for (in my book) no rational reason. granted they are safe wherever they go (neither of us do drugs or drink...were both cops actually) and return the next day. she constantly threatens to leave with him and always says shes going to take him bc im not deserving to be with him. there is so much she does so frequently, i cant even begin to describe it in words on here. i guess what im trying to say is that i have noticed a cycle with her/us and i can almost tell exactly when each phase is begining and ending. for me its a little hard to leave bc its not physical...eventhough everything i read says this is still violence and abuse. i wish i could leave her knowing i would win custody of our child. i really think that if i leave, she will (as i already see her doing it) start treating/talking to him the same controlling way. i feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place. stay and be miserable with her and raise my son in a frictious/tense environment or leave, regain my sanity from her and hardly see my son and fear for his upbringing? and not to mention, she will be leaving the state (to the other side of the country) if we split up. i really dont know where to go from here or what to do? anything will help...
thanks
C
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scbeck
Platinum
Reged: 12/29/07
Posts: 816
Loc: New Brunswick Canada
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Now that my husband has left me I have finally woken up a realised that for better or worse should not include a constant barrage of emotional abuse to both me and my daughter. Even gone though I am beginning to live in fear of what he may do to try to turn aour daughter his way. He lives in NF and we are in NB and he is planning to come get his things and see our daughter sometime this month. Since leaving he has been very agitated and has already started with holding money and now he is threatening to take everything important to me. I know in my head that the law will side with me 100% because I have had documentation and witnesses to the abuse but in my heart I don't think he cares about the law and he might do something without thinking through the consequences. I look forward to the day that I don't have to worry about walking on eggshells and what I can do or not do to not set him off.
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
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scbeck
Platinum
Reged: 12/29/07
Posts: 816
Loc: New Brunswick Canada
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Confuseddad you sound like you have lived my life. I can only tell you I stayed because I loved that part of my husband he was before he had the head injury and developed full blown PTSD but I didn't accept that he was really gone already and that he was slowly turning me into someone I hated and in the process he was damaging our daughters emotional stability too. I ended up waiting till he left me and it took 13 years of daily fights and pain. Now that he is gone he is still trying to control my life by with holding money we need to live but at least now that my head is clearer I know I would never go back and I will never let anyone demean me or my daughter again. At least go to a lawyer and lay it all out and ask their opinion on your chances for custody. Start keeping a journal of every incident to support your side. Talk to professionals like marriage counsellors, Drs, and even friends to see if they see things the way you do. Then you will know what you must do for your own sanity and your sons. I know the hardest part for me will be letting our daughter go see him as required because since he has never physically abused us I have no choice, and as hard as it is she deserves to try to have a relationship with her father. Good luck.
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
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