nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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Hi Everyone,
I am coming here because I feel it is really time for a life change for me. I have been with my husband for 10 years and we have been married for a long time. We have two children together.
It comes down to the point where their is no longer (and maybe never was) any trust for me in this marriage. He is very controlling and has to know where I am 24/7. If I try and get away from the house (even to the grocery store sometimes) I am getting constant calls on my cell phone. I mean like 4-5 times in a hour. It makes me very upset because I have done everything in his power to earn his trust and I am sick of trying.
I look back now and they say hindsight is 20/20 and realize that we are way to different. He is a yeller, I'm more quite, etc. And I have found myself changing in ways I don't like to compensate for his personality traits.
Since I really the first one of my friends to go through this (at least that aren't older) I feel like I kneed to talk to someone who can sympathize.
Thanks for listening.
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subzero
Platinum
Reged: 07/24/06
Posts: 877
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I can sympathize with you. I have an stbx that's the same way your husband is. Controlling this and that doesn't get it done anymore. I have yet to find anyone in a relationship that work 50/50 or 100/100. I now believe all relationships have to be a joint relationship rather then a controlling relationship. Easier said then done. I was married for over 7 1/2 years and was with my stbx for almost 10 years and she just became unhappy with our marriage and wanted it out without even giving us one more try. Now I look back on it and say thank you. Now I will never have to deal with her again only in regards to our daughter. For more replies please post in life after divorce. You will get lots of great info regarding your situation. I'm sorry to hear you have to go through this. I feel your pain because I've been there.
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"Divorce hurts, including children."
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newin07
Platinum
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 486
Loc: NY
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Welcome...
You have come to the right place.
If you honestly feel that there can be no reconciliation through counseling, and you are determined to go forward, the following is my advice to you:
Since you are at the beginning of this "life change", the first thing you must do is to EDUCATE YOURSELF (My family on this forum is probably saying "here she goes again", but I cannot emphasize this enough).
Since you have access to a computer, use it to your advantage. Look at the divorce laws for your state, make lists of all your assets, life insurances, health and dental coverages, cars and insurances (make copies of all life, health, and vehicle insurance policies, tax returns), get an updated report on any retirement benefits either of you have.
Again, start making your lists...
Assess your property value, your incomes and your expenditures.
Start making lists...And hide them...
Do this all before you approach him. Prepare yourself first...
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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Is there a root cause of why he doesn't trust you anymore all of a sudden. Maybe he is not trustworthy so he projects that on you. I am don't know it is a suggestion. I don't know your situation, but I am sad for you because my wife cheated on me after 12 years of marraige. If there was/is not infidelity then can you try and work things out. People change that is one of the reason I don't get the whole marraige thing what is the point?
I know I am not doing it again and I am not going to encourage my son to get married. I am going to tell him all the ways he will get screwed.
Anyways I am sorry you are going through this but you did love this man at one time. Please change my thought of marriage and try and work this out.
Just my suggestion.
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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The thing is, he has never trusted me. Always checked up always complained about anyone I talked to (including my family) that he thinks takes away from my time with him. He even told me he can't stand my best girlfriend that I have know since elementary school.
I don't know what else I can do to show him I love him. If I can't prove it by supporting him while he follows his dreams (and doesn't work) or when he has a major medical incident and I spend day and night in the hospital with him, I don't know what will. And I am sick after all of this time never feeling like it's enough, he is never satisified it always should be better and I should do it better.
Every day is a drama with him and the drama is just as intense for a stubbed toe as it is for a death in the family. His attitude is something doesn't immediately go perfectly is "f*** it" and he is done. Leaving me to pick up the pieces.
Basically I constantly feel like his mother and that I don't have a partner an anyway and anytime he "deems" to do something I should bow down and kiss the ground he walks on.
Also thank you for the advice. I have already been doing the research.
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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It sounds to me like he has a severe case of deppression. What if you can help him with that? What if he gets better will you stick around? Do you still love him. If he was this way from the beginning then he didn't change that is good at least he is consistent.
What if he could be cured?
We are talking here I am curious to where you are? Are you just not in love (if ever) and are looking for justification or is it worth fighting for. Seems like 10 years is the lifecycle of marraige in WA. I am lucky I lasted 12.
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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I have asked him to get help. He refuses to go to consuling either individually or as a couple.
This has always been an issues, but it has gotten worse as we have gotten older. They were livable with issues. Now it's temper tanturms all the time and self medicating with alcohol.
I know at one time I did love him and truthfully there is so much between us now, I am not really sure how I feel other than I am unhappy and while he "listens" to me and it gets better for a couple of weeks. But then I get it held against me that I am unhappy. And this is another one of our issues. Things that I felt we worked out years ago are brought up and thrown in my face in fights. I'm not saying I'm perfect, because I am not and I let him get away with this stuff for a long time.
When my cell phone rings I can now feel my entire body get tense and my blood pressure raise because I know I will be listening to him about how someone in the world had done him wrong.
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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I don't believe counselling is your issue. I think medical attention is what is needed here. He needs some meds. Don't push the head shrink push the medical doctor.
Trust me I think he has a problem in his head and I think a doctor can fix it. I think he can be what you had again. I hope you try it and I hope you can fix it, but it also sounds like I am too late.
I really wish you the best of luck.
I think the whole marriage and love thing is a farce anyway.
Times changed and marriage is dead.
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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I've tried that too. He refused to take the medication. Says he doesn't need it. That's when I suggested counselling, hoping that if I couldn't convince him that he need some type of help, the counselor could. In his mind people who need that kind of medication are weak and useless. How can you argue that?
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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With love.
I know what you are saying and trust me fighting depression myself I know you are up against a tough battle. I do also admire your willingness to talk to me about this too.
I think you will have to do what is in your heart but if you have a good man fight for him.
Maybe research depression and see what others do. It is a sickness and needs to be treates as alcholism. Depressed people (men) are not weak they are sick. Do you understand. Granted he will need to want to be fixed, but he doesn't realize he is sick.
Tell him you want the marrige to work. Tell him your intentions. Then tell him you are almost ready to go if you are. I guess what I am saying is talk to him. Tell him what you told me.
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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