nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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Hi Everyone,
I am coming here because I feel it is really time for a life change for me. I have been with my husband for 10 years and we have been married for a long time. We have two children together.
It comes down to the point where their is no longer (and maybe never was) any trust for me in this marriage. He is very controlling and has to know where I am 24/7. If I try and get away from the house (even to the grocery store sometimes) I am getting constant calls on my cell phone. I mean like 4-5 times in a hour. It makes me very upset because I have done everything in his power to earn his trust and I am sick of trying.
I look back now and they say hindsight is 20/20 and realize that we are way to different. He is a yeller, I'm more quite, etc. And I have found myself changing in ways I don't like to compensate for his personality traits.
Since I really the first one of my friends to go through this (at least that aren't older) I feel like I kneed to talk to someone who can sympathize.
Thanks for listening.
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subzero
Platinum
Reged: 07/24/06
Posts: 877
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I can sympathize with you. I have an stbx that's the same way your husband is. Controlling this and that doesn't get it done anymore. I have yet to find anyone in a relationship that work 50/50 or 100/100. I now believe all relationships have to be a joint relationship rather then a controlling relationship. Easier said then done. I was married for over 7 1/2 years and was with my stbx for almost 10 years and she just became unhappy with our marriage and wanted it out without even giving us one more try. Now I look back on it and say thank you. Now I will never have to deal with her again only in regards to our daughter. For more replies please post in life after divorce. You will get lots of great info regarding your situation. I'm sorry to hear you have to go through this. I feel your pain because I've been there.
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"Divorce hurts, including children."
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newin07
Platinum
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 486
Loc: NY
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Welcome...
You have come to the right place.
If you honestly feel that there can be no reconciliation through counseling, and you are determined to go forward, the following is my advice to you:
Since you are at the beginning of this "life change", the first thing you must do is to EDUCATE YOURSELF (My family on this forum is probably saying "here she goes again", but I cannot emphasize this enough).
Since you have access to a computer, use it to your advantage. Look at the divorce laws for your state, make lists of all your assets, life insurances, health and dental coverages, cars and insurances (make copies of all life, health, and vehicle insurance policies, tax returns), get an updated report on any retirement benefits either of you have.
Again, start making your lists...
Assess your property value, your incomes and your expenditures.
Start making lists...And hide them...
Do this all before you approach him. Prepare yourself first...
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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Is there a root cause of why he doesn't trust you anymore all of a sudden. Maybe he is not trustworthy so he projects that on you. I am don't know it is a suggestion. I don't know your situation, but I am sad for you because my wife cheated on me after 12 years of marraige. If there was/is not infidelity then can you try and work things out. People change that is one of the reason I don't get the whole marraige thing what is the point?
I know I am not doing it again and I am not going to encourage my son to get married. I am going to tell him all the ways he will get screwed.
Anyways I am sorry you are going through this but you did love this man at one time. Please change my thought of marriage and try and work this out.
Just my suggestion.
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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The thing is, he has never trusted me. Always checked up always complained about anyone I talked to (including my family) that he thinks takes away from my time with him. He even told me he can't stand my best girlfriend that I have know since elementary school.
I don't know what else I can do to show him I love him. If I can't prove it by supporting him while he follows his dreams (and doesn't work) or when he has a major medical incident and I spend day and night in the hospital with him, I don't know what will. And I am sick after all of this time never feeling like it's enough, he is never satisified it always should be better and I should do it better.
Every day is a drama with him and the drama is just as intense for a stubbed toe as it is for a death in the family. His attitude is something doesn't immediately go perfectly is "f*** it" and he is done. Leaving me to pick up the pieces.
Basically I constantly feel like his mother and that I don't have a partner an anyway and anytime he "deems" to do something I should bow down and kiss the ground he walks on.
Also thank you for the advice. I have already been doing the research.
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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It sounds to me like he has a severe case of deppression. What if you can help him with that? What if he gets better will you stick around? Do you still love him. If he was this way from the beginning then he didn't change that is good at least he is consistent.
What if he could be cured?
We are talking here I am curious to where you are? Are you just not in love (if ever) and are looking for justification or is it worth fighting for. Seems like 10 years is the lifecycle of marraige in WA. I am lucky I lasted 12.
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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I have asked him to get help. He refuses to go to consuling either individually or as a couple.
This has always been an issues, but it has gotten worse as we have gotten older. They were livable with issues. Now it's temper tanturms all the time and self medicating with alcohol.
I know at one time I did love him and truthfully there is so much between us now, I am not really sure how I feel other than I am unhappy and while he "listens" to me and it gets better for a couple of weeks. But then I get it held against me that I am unhappy. And this is another one of our issues. Things that I felt we worked out years ago are brought up and thrown in my face in fights. I'm not saying I'm perfect, because I am not and I let him get away with this stuff for a long time.
When my cell phone rings I can now feel my entire body get tense and my blood pressure raise because I know I will be listening to him about how someone in the world had done him wrong.
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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I don't believe counselling is your issue. I think medical attention is what is needed here. He needs some meds. Don't push the head shrink push the medical doctor.
Trust me I think he has a problem in his head and I think a doctor can fix it. I think he can be what you had again. I hope you try it and I hope you can fix it, but it also sounds like I am too late.
I really wish you the best of luck.
I think the whole marriage and love thing is a farce anyway.
Times changed and marriage is dead.
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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I've tried that too. He refused to take the medication. Says he doesn't need it. That's when I suggested counselling, hoping that if I couldn't convince him that he need some type of help, the counselor could. In his mind people who need that kind of medication are weak and useless. How can you argue that?
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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With love.
I know what you are saying and trust me fighting depression myself I know you are up against a tough battle. I do also admire your willingness to talk to me about this too.
I think you will have to do what is in your heart but if you have a good man fight for him.
Maybe research depression and see what others do. It is a sickness and needs to be treates as alcholism. Depressed people (men) are not weak they are sick. Do you understand. Granted he will need to want to be fixed, but he doesn't realize he is sick.
Tell him you want the marrige to work. Tell him your intentions. Then tell him you are almost ready to go if you are. I guess what I am saying is talk to him. Tell him what you told me.
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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Have told him repetetively (sp) doesn't seem to make a real difference other than a few days. I've threatened I've cried I've begged and now all I feel is myself getting angry and bitter now matter how much I try not to.
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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What does he say? Does he really think you won't go? Does he even care if you go. I am thinking he does if he needs to know where you are all the time.
Tell him that he needs help or you will leave and not tell him where you are going.
What the hell does he think?
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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He says he loves me and that I am right and he's trying to change, but no matter how many times I explain he thinks doing one load of laundry should make me happy for weeks.
I know it's more than he's been doing but should I really have to work all day, then come home take care of our two children, the house, the bills, his mother, the dogs, while he (after working all day) comes home, maybe if I have told him what to do and bought the stuff cooked dinner and then spend the rest of the evening sitting on his butt watching tv, talking on the phone, playing on the internet and ignoring his family
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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Ok I am starting to get the picture here. You have a common problem. I know it is tiring. My opinion is to fight for the marraige -for better or worse right?
You may or may not agree with me but I am telling you how I feel.
OK assuming you go on with the divorce do you really think things will get easier? Do you think things will get better?
I know you don't see an end to the tunnel but I really think you should give it your all. That is the best you can do.
I understand that he doesn't do enough around the house. I am guilty of that myself. I am getting better but it didn't take over night.
I am responsible for all the computer stuff and car stuff and I am expected to do all of that. I do expect my C/F to do some thing too. I do help her but she does more admittedly, but not once has she come out and help me with the car.
Why do I do that. I am sorry I turned this into me.
Ok back on track.
If you divorce you will be doing all the same stuff but for one less person. I can help you with some ideas, but if you are not willing to fight I am not willing to waste my time. I will talk to you and answer questions and i understand if you just can't work it out, but if you already have your mind made up there really isn't much I can do for you.
What if you go to counselling yourself? I know that you probably do not need it but maybe they can give you ideas on how to better deal with your Hubby.
What do you think?
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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I could handle the just not doing anything. I have for years, but it's the screaming, yelling, temper tanturms, alcohol, the world is out to get me, I know better than everyone and everyone else in the world is stupid attitude, coupled with his constant critism of me that I can't handle. I mean, if you couldn't close down the baby exersaucer in two mintues would you really throw it across the room in front of your children and scream "f*** it" even after I have told you repeatively not to act like that especailly in front of the kis.
As for counseling. I would have no problem going, would love to go, because I know I have issues as well, like why I let him go on so long treating me this way before I said something, and why do I always fall for the "bad boys." But he won't let me. If I went it would "appear" to everyone that we have issues and godforbid we ever do anything that would make us look bad to our friends or family.
I guess it just comes down to he know longer seems me as me and if I try and be me and it's not what he wants all hell breaks loose as well. It all has to be about him and if I do something that isn't all about him he freaks!
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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[quote]I could handle the just not doing anything. I have for years, but it's the screaming, yelling, temper tanturms, alcohol, the world is out to get me, I know better than everyone and everyone else in the world is stupid attitude, coupled with his constant critism of me that I can't handle. I mean, if you couldn't close down the baby exersaucer in two mintues would you really throw it across the room in front of your children and scream "f*** it" even after I have told you repeatively not to act like that especailly in front of the kis.
This really seems like Depression to me and is fixable. I wish he could read this thread.
As for counseling. I would have no problem going, would love to go, because I know I have issues as well, like why I let him go on so long treating me this way before I said something, and why do I always fall for the "bad boys." But he won't let me. If I went it would "appear" to everyone that we have issues and godforbid we ever do anything that would make us look bad to our friends or family.
I wonder what it will look like to him if there is an actual divorce.
I guess it just comes down to he know longer seems me as me and if I try and be me and it's not what he wants all hell breaks loose as well. It all has to be about him and if I do something that isn't all about him he freaks! [/quote]
I am sorry. You sure don't deserve to live in fear, and if you are sure he won't hit you stand up for yourself and do it anyway tell him you are doing if for him. If you are afraid I mean really scared that he will get physical leave him.
I agree things are bad for you. I know there seems like there is no help, but all I am saying is do the best you can do to save it and if it fails you will never second guess yourself.
Nobody deserves to be held down like you are, but it is ashame he is not on board to try and save it.
I feel sorry for him and you.
If you need to vent or scream you can always vent or scream to me. Even if I do or don't agree with your decision I will be your friend.
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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nra_honey
Silver
Reged: 12/20/06
Posts: 55
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Thanks for listening. I really appreciate it. I'm just gonna take it one day at a time right now.
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adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
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that is all you can do.
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The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
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