mom_of_two
New
Reged: 01/12/07
Posts: 5
Loc: Frankfort IN
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new to all of this and not sure what to do! my oldest daughter is from my first marriage and they have just had twins and my oldest one feels left out and i'm not sure how to comfort her without making it sound like i hate her dad(which i do) but i don't want her to know that! how do i help her or comfort her with this cause i'm not sure how to make it easier on her when she has to go there and when i tried to talk to her dad about it he says there is no problem and he never want to talk about things like this so we can work on things to helpl with the things she needs help with. I hope this all make since.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5051
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comfort her the way you would if you had the twins, yourself... "honey, it's always extra work to have a new baby, and it's worse if there are two. But that doesn't mean your Dad doesn't love you any more. You are his first and that's very important. These babies are going to think you're the greatest girl in the whole world because you're their big sister, and you just have to be thier sister and wait for them to get old enough and you'll see what I mean."
AND THEN... tell her to talk to her Dad and stepmom about it. AND THEN tell her Dad and stepmom that she is feeling a little left out and that you told her to talk to them about it, and tell them what you told her about it, so they can prepare for what to say to her from thier point of view and the adults in this situation have all presented a united front on it.
If you do all this and the ex doesnt' agree or does something jerky in response, then that's his problem, not yours. You'll have done the right thing.
This one was easy for me because I'm a stepmom & I know exactly how I'd like my stepkids' mom to handle stuff like this... I'd LOVE it if she could figure out how to reassure the kids that she's sure we love them, and then point them back to us rather than letting her own venom inspire her in how she handles thier angst.
Her response to something like this would probably be, "well, honey, he doesn't have time to spend with you right now because he's too busy with his new family, but I do have lots of time for you because I love you, and I know the babies are so loud and annoying that it must really hurt you to be there so much. I'll see if I can't convince him to let you stay home with me rather than be forced to go over tehre for visits."
I can see it now. It would SOUND so nice, while giving the poor kid all kinds of wrong ideas.
So I've given an example of the right way and of the wrong way. Please choose one, do it, and let me know which you chose and how it worked out (I'm SO praying for you to choose the one that does good things for the kid rather than the one that does good things for your own ego!)
Gigi
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mom_of_two
New
Reged: 01/12/07
Posts: 5
Loc: Frankfort IN
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i have always tried to make things easy for her and i have tried to get along with her dad in front of her and with her step mom and they still want to be asses about things. excuse my language! i don't ever bad mouth him in front of her cause i know that's her dad and she loves him and i do the same for her step mom. she doesn't understand why i am nice to them and they bad mouth me. i have tried to explain to her that they have the right to feel about me the way they do and i let her know that i'm not worried about what they say about me. but i just wish they would respect me in front of her b/c i am her mom and she loves me. there are weekends that she doesn't want to go and she litually crys that she doesn't want to go but the courts say i have to send her, but i tell her that she will have fun and that she should go and spend some time with him b/c he is her dad. but she comes back with she sees him too much and that she needs more mommy time. she sees me more then she does him. she goes there every other weekend and every other holiday and then part of her summer vacation from school. so that part of seeing him more then me i don't really understand but i listen to her talk and let her go on. to give an example of how they are. i had taken her in last year for her yearly check up at the doctors office and he was concerned about her weight as well as i and the dr. said to cut her eating and helpings back but not to put her on a diet so i told her dad and step mom about it and they said she doesn't need to loose weight she is fine the way she is. but there is a problem she's 7 yrs old and weighs 96lbs. and she has trouble breathing when shen rides her bike or tries to tie her shoes and it worries me that she's gonna have health problems b/c i have diabetics in my family and some of them are over weight and it worries me that she will get to playing to hard and make the breathing worse (asthma) or maybe have a heart attack or something b/c of it. and he doesn't seem to care about that either.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5051
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This is SUCH a hard thing for you. I understand. Maybe you could bond with stepmom over some of this? I hear from judges & lawyers that the steps can sometimes bond with the births and keep the exes out of it? I mean, on a woman to woman level, we communicate in more emotional ways than men are able to communicate anyways. (which is not to say they're less emotional than us, just that they communicate it differently and it sometimes makes i tharder for us to relate)... maybe,
I just can't help but think your ex really wantso to be a good father or he wouldn't ask for so much time...
And it's possible... I don't want to insult you, but it's possible... that your daughter is tellign you that she doesn't want to spend time with her dad because she knows how you feel about him.
People on here have found that before, so it's not a huge revelation... that she tells you one thing and him another thing. It's self-preservation for a kid who is the subject of a custody battle. it's SO hard for you, for either of you, to hide your personal feelings from her, so it's clear that she knows what you want to hear, or what she THINKS you want to hear about this.
But the alternative is... maybe offer to change visiation with the father... if he really doesn't have a comfortable time with her... offer to keep the child support amount the same, but make it possible for him to have less time if he wants... if he can keep more money and be a disney dad, maybe that will help out?
Look, that's really better advice for a person whose ex has not just become a new dad again.
Remember that this child is being pushed aside for the new babies, and that's natural, and might have even happened in your own family if you were still with him and had gotten pregnant again. Gosh... this is a toughie... what she's going through is normal and she is using it to play you off against each other because of the divorce...
Gosh... what to do... maybe, hmmm... I guess my original advice still stands, but the real trick is for YOU to try to ignore your instincts to protect her from this becasue it's a normal thing and NOT a divorce thing... and try to pull together with the ex & the step on this, and STILL find a way for all the adults in this situation to present a united front to her.
I think that even with the problems you've described, you've gotta still do the same thing. the problem is, how to nip it in the bud that THEY may not be paying enough attention to her and at the same time nip it in the bud if the REAL issue is that SHE is using the opportunity of having that new big sis sibling rivalry thing to learn how to play you off against each other.
Maybe that will work? Let me know.
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mom_of_two
New
Reged: 01/12/07
Posts: 5
Loc: Frankfort IN
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i know i didn't mention it but the twins are the last for her dad. the twins give him four kids my daughter is in the middle. plus she has a younger sister through me so all together she has 3 sisters and 1 brother. but anyway back to the topic. i am sure when i talk to her dad on the phone i have showed some emotion to the situiation and not realized it. thanks for making me look at the point. as far has her step mom i have tried to get along with and be freinds ( i guess you could say) for my daughter but she doesn't want to make an effort to. and there has been something new come up as of last night my daughter informed me that there was a conversation held she said she doesn't know the whole thing but she does know that my name was mentioned and that the word slut was used and i tried to explain to her in a calm manner that they have the right to feel the way they want tords me. how do i approach that when i promised her i would say anything (and she made me promise). when i listen to her talk about things like that and she makes me promise and i do cause i want her trust so she will come to me b/c if not she will shut off from again. i mean how do i handle that or should i do? it's so good to find someone i can talk to about this stuff i just want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me about this!
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