stuckinwisconsin
New
Reged: 05/23/06
Posts: 1
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I've been married 10 years and moved to Wisconsin 5 years ago because my husband wanted to be near his family. The only job I could find pays me about half what I made before moving here. My husband is in sales and travels alot. Over the last 5 years, I feel like I have had to build a life for myself separate from him because, when he is not out of town on business, he is gone hunting or fishing or spending time with his family. He has seldom wanted to spend time with me alone which is different from the time before we moved here. Even though I feel like I've made a great sacrifice so that he could be near his family, I don't think it matters to him. Now that he should have everything he wants, he isn't happy but says that I am to blame because I'm no longer fun, I'm unhappy and I don't like to do the things he likes to do. He blames my unhappiness on being away from my hometown but I am unhappy because he has been selfish and mostly just thought about his own needs since we've lived here. Honestly, I haven't been able to do anything right. Either I've done something wrong or I've failed to do something. In either case, if that is true, it was unintentional. He has not been a friend or companion to me in a very long time.
Now he says that he can't live in the same house with me. I've suggested counseling which got struck down. I've tried to express my feelings and take some of the blame for our problems and have even asked for another chance but have been denied. He says our marriage can't be fixed. He was suprised when I told him that I did want the house when he asked. It is not that I plan to continue living here but I do feel that I can't just walk off and leave everything to him--I actually think he thought I would. I would be can't afford to. I will be out of a job once I leave. Plus, I have multiple sclerosis and being without health insurance scares me. I told him that if he intends to divorce me I will let him go. However, I think he wants to place even that burden on my shoulders. I don't want to be the one to file since 1) I'm not the one who wants the divorce 2) my religious beliefs are that I can only divorce him if he has been unfaithful and he says there is no one else. (But, maybe there has been, who knows?) Should I just wait this out and let me eventually do what he needs to do? Or, would it be in my best interests to file first? He is the type of person who cares about his image so I'm sure he would rather have me file so he doesn't look bad in the eyes of his family and friends. I don't care so much about that but I'm afraid I will always doubt my decision if I don't let him make the move. At least if he files first, I will know without a doubt there is no hope. (I know I'm naive to think this is something he'll have a change of heart about but can't help it.) Still, I want to do what is best for my financial future. Any advice?
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bluskis62
New
Reged: 05/24/06
Posts: 1
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You have almost discribed my marriage. Maybe our husbands hunt and fish together. I found this site while trying to get divorce advice from a lawyer, but this has lots of help. I can't say I have an answer for you because I have spent the last 7 MONTHS living in the same house with my stbx and not speaking. This has been brutal. 23 yrs of marriage and this is how it ends. 2 years ago the same thing, 6 months of silance and then HE FILED and like a coward, gave me the papers and left for a 3 week trip. He came and pleaded 1 month later, crying that he made a mistake and God SPOKE to him and revealed how wrong he has been--BLAH BLAH. I, with much hesitation and pondering did go back. I put a hold, and then an extention on the divorce for 6 months. We went back to counsoling and he even went on medication for anxiety. I thought we might have a chance this time. UNTIL, he wants to do what he wants Fishing, hunting, just about anything without me.
We did LOTS of counsoling and it never helped. Not for long. Why? I do not know. It was HIM that was unhappy. distant, cold, disrespectful,mean, grumpy, unloving and uncaring and just not into me. We have 2 children which kept me busy and my mind off it now and then.
I too, am a Christian and feel like you about not wanting to file, because of any ray of hope and no known affair on his part. We know what God expects, and if we do the right thing we will have bleesings. Living with someone you KNOW does NOT LOVE YOU is brutal< On your mind and spirit and selfesteem>. I know. I live this. He can go months without talking and sleep like a baby. They are SELFISH MEN, and will NOT CHANGE. I say never stop praying and asking God for the right words and then GO AND TALK and FIND THE TRUTH!!. It will be hard to hear and it will hurt, but do not do as I have and SIT AND WAIT. For what? Another year? He had MY BEST years and didn't appreciate any of them.
We lived the American dream and he was still unhappy--with me, the kids. Maybe these types of men are just better off alone. Go and get all the cards on the table and then tell HIM to file. Get yourself a GOOD LAWYER. I felt like you too, should I be the first to file so it looks better. I only care what God thinks and I know He wants me to stay faithful and let him file if he wants out. Just get the truth. If your husband rejected any chance to work things out then you need to ask him to file. You can walk away knowing you did all you could and have peace in that with you and God. God will lead the way for you. I know he is helping me through this time and every time. I would be insane by now without God's help.
The worst is that you will think you did something to cause this. You know in your heart you didn't. Keep yourself healthy and get all the info you can, so you are not taken advantage of more. This sucks! I going down the same path. Don't turn 10 yrs. into 23 and be where I am, feeling beat down and unworthy. Now I have to try and gain myself back. I pray you will find the truth out so you can go in peace. God Bless you.
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