Divorce Support Forums: reasons to cheat

hi, i know its a sensitve title, sorry, but its been the cause of my divorce, at least in my mind! she has told me our marriage was over a long time ago, she says that i wasnt providing emotional support and thats what caused our divorce. yet she seems to forget that she never 'talked' to me about how she was feeling, we both felt our marriage needed some work, but i had know idea, that she was already past the working out part, rather, she was already working on establishing another relationship.. while i stayed home with our two young daughters, she hit bars and partied, and appearntly hooked up with a guy, she never wanted to talk, she always said she was confused, she blames all this on my neglect to provide her with intimacy.. (it goes so much deeper then this) what i want to know, is that if one spouse isnt full filling the others needs (keep in mind there are kids invloved) does that give the 'OK' for the other spouse to cheat and commit adultery? i sound nieve, sorry, but i thought the proper process of this, is, 1. communicate, civily, and through that, agree on a solution, work on it, or end it- 2. if the result is divorce, then get divorced before pursuing another relationship. she told me, that in a sense, the lack of intimancy on my part, is like cheating? and thus caused her to fullfill her needs elsewhere! Im confused (and again, maybe nieve) i know its hard for anyone reading this to provide any kind of opinion based on what little i'v reveild- but i honestly thought that cheating ment one married person, having sex with anyone else, other then his/her spouse? how can a lack of intimency between two spouses be remotely similar to one spouse having sex with a 3rd party? btw- my divorce isnt final yet, she lives with her boyfriend, the kids are with me, remaining in family home, family services has granted me as primary only because I was willing to remain in the town both children were born in, while xwife wanted to relocate them to her boyfriends town- this divorce has been going on for almost 1yr- im trying to buy her 1/2 out- thanks in advance for your feedback/opinions/constructive critism, etc-