Divorce Support Forums: When can the children choose?

Is there a reason that equal time in both houses won't work for you? That might be the way to go. I think part of teh reason that kids start thinking they should be choosing between their parents is that we make that choice for them when we make one parent the "primary" and the other is secondary. I agree that parental alienation is a really awful thing & if he's been doing the more subtle elements of PAS for years, and she's rebelling against it, then her claims might be valid... but ... it's truly better for the kids if you don't give them the impression that anything they say or do will change teh adults' decisions on what's best for them... where they live, where they go to school, whether they're allowed to quit school, whether they're allowed to drink or sleep with boyfriends. On the basics, they should not be given teh impression that they can change the minds of the adults around them. I KNOW the courts will allow them to speak, but I don't know that this is the best solution in their best interests.

if YOU go to court and request a modification of the custody arrangement, asking for the primary to change, and explaining that she has expressed a request to change... well, it starts with you being the wrong one to explain this becasue OF COURSE she's going to tell you that she prefers you, just like she's probably telling your ex that she prefers him... but that's a strategy issue that you have to hash out. The best would be for you & your ex to find a way to work it out so she can have a week at your place, a week at his... have neighborhood friends at each and develop a rhythm... he'd have much less time to get any alienating digs in if he only had her half the time, and her relationship wth him, if it has really deteriorated, wouuld have enough together time to rebuild itself.

I agree that there are different situations in every case, but the real question you asked, whether or not the kids should have a say, that's the qustion I answered. It MIGHT be better for her to have less time with him, but is it a good idea for her to think she can manipulate this? NO. This is one of those major life decisions that she needs to know the adults are taking care of on her behalf. She can decide wehther or not she likes broccoli or wehther to take French or Spanish for her foreign language in high school, but she should not be allowed to choose between her parents. No matter HOW long they've been divorced.