Divorce Support Forums: spouse still in house

My intent was to make you understnad that the kids should not be involved in it. They should not have to choose, and it's not right for them to have done so. If they have done so, it's clearly something that you and/or he have positioned to happen, and it's not right. It's not good for them, particularly at this age where they will be already trying to be a bit rebellious & maybe deciding whether or not to mantain relaitonships with the both of you as adults. The transition is tough enough when parents are together and supporting each other, it's awful if the parents are cutting each other down.

I know, your position is that he's been cutting you down for years... but if it had worked, then they'd be choosing him and not you, wouldn't they? The real cutting is where the end up feeling that they have to choose between you, when they SHOULD be choosing both.

To answer your initial question, your lawyer can ask for a temporary orders hearing where it will be determined where everyone lives while this is pending. I suspect that your lawyer doesn't want to put you in front of the judge if you're going to represent that your children are all angry at their own father because he has been mean to you for years. You stayed with him for 18+ years in thier presence, taking all the abuse that he heaped on you. If it was so bad, you'd have left before this.

But something kept you there. What?

It's not good for them to be choosing sides. They'll change thier minds in a few years and you won't like it.

OK, on the issue of temporary orders. It's not as simple as saying it's EASIER for you if you stay. (and get the kids out of it, stop trying to speak for them when you're speaking against their father)... The temporary orders thing needs to account for who will be paying for the debts on this residence, on the cars, on any other obligations that the two of you ahve together. What will the temporary support be, and can you and he each afford to live separately on what you have to split between you. You can't force him to live in poverty while you dont' change your lifestyle at all. It won't work. By simple math, it won't work. There is no more income, but now two households to support (if you are successful and the end result is that you two live separately).

I think it's absolutely appropriate for the two of you to separate, but don't understand why you think you deserve to keep the house yet. Get the kids out of your argument on this one... think of the economics, and THEN answer the questions that the judge will ask: who will pay for the mortgage and utilities? How will the one who leaves make ends meet? Where is that person going to be and what will the parenting time be? (consider 50-50 parenting time if you can get over your anger... your kids deserve uninterrupted time with their father even if you hate him at the moment... it sounds like they may even need extra time to rebuild thier relationship with him).

And will either of you end up owing ongoing support to the other after it's over? if so, then better to start that now than dissipate the assets to support yourselves separately and have nothing left to divide at the end of the separation period.

It's tough to learn how to live within your means when separating one household into two different households and no additional income (plus a huge additional expense for lawyers this next year)... if your only reason for wanting him to leave is that you are in pain and hate him and you believe the kids do too (well, they've told you that, but you have to know that's what they know you want to hear, right?) and you've not considered how it's going to work financially, then it won't happen.

Good luck, and I hope you can find a way to convince the kids to stop thinking they've got to choose between the two of you. It's SO bad for them to take this path, and the therapy to fix it if it's allowed to go on for much longer will be huge and unpleasant.

Oh, and you mentioned 3 kids, but only 2 ages... do you have twins? are they the 16 year olds or the 18 year olds... and oh... you have to know the 18 year old, as an adult, is fair game to do whatever you want with... alienate him or her from the father if you want... use him or her as your surrogate best friend... get him or her to choose between you & his or her father... the court will not judge you for it. But he or she will... eventually.

All I'm asking is that you keep the kids away from your OBVIOUS pain! Don't make them parties to this divorce. They're the victims of the divorce, don't make them victims of your bitterness and pain.

Edited by gigi (02/28/07 05:13 PM)