JBGood
New
Reged: 03/15/07
Posts: 2
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I'll keep this as brief as I can. I'm seriously considering a divorce, it's beyond repair in my opinion. We've been married for over 20 years. I make most of the money. 2 kids, one is 20, the other will be 18 soon. My wife has serious issues with being responsible with money for all of our married life and every other part of our life sucks. Been the counseling route, I've tried and tried to talk and work things out to improve our situation to no avail (for many years).
She has done banking, but mostly daycare for many years. She doesn't want to go back to work, yet we need the money! Our financial picture is not great, but it's going to get bad without more income and I'm doing all I can do with a full time job and 2 part-time businesses. She has been oblivious to everything I've tried and she ignores the situation. We have not discussed divorce. I've kept my mouth shut about that and she hasn't mentioned it. I don't think she is considering it or suspects I am since I don't talk about that type of thing with her and she hasn't said anything or led me to believe she could be considering it.
Basically, I can't stand it anymore and I want out as quickly and painlessly as possible. I expect I'll get screwed over no matter what I do since we live in california, but I want to minimize that as much as possible. I've done as much reading on the web as I can but I need to ask some questions. I realize that there are no absolutes here, and I am ready to get some legal counsel very soon, I just want to be prepared. Here are my questions.
Our main asset is our home and I have a retirement account. Other than that, I'm not too worried about personal property, I don't have a lot that I'd fight over so I'm not worried a lot about working that out.
1) As far as getting counsel before the cat is out of the bag, am I risking future legal problems? In other words, if she gets a lawyer and fights back, can they find out I had counsel, and when I did? And will this jeopardize my situation in any way? Basically, I want to legally prepare to protect myself in the best way I can before anything starts. If something is better to occur before the divorce process starts, I want to try and do that and I don't want to get into trouble for doing that. I know some things involving money movement can get you into trouble, but I really have nothing anywhere to move around and I don't plan on doing that.
2) With the kids over 18 and one moved out, will she be able to fight for anything there?
3) What's the worst case she can get in spousal support percentage wise? And how long should I expect to pay that? My rough estimate is that I could make it on my own if I had to pay her 50%. Any more than that, and it would be tough. But if I can't keep at least half my money, how the heck can I get a divorce?
4) Splitting major assets - I will work this with the lawyer, but as far as I am concerned, she can have the house if she can get a new loan for it (I don't see how though). Otherwise, I'd insist on the sale in the divorce if that's possible. She could have the proceeds after payment of any shared debts as far as I'm concerned. I'll try to protect my retirement and hopefully use letting her have the house as bargaining chip there. Any tips here? If I can somehow get the house sold before starting, would that be risky from a legal standpoint?
5) Protecting my stuff - I have a room with all my computer, business and hobby stuff. She is one hell of a spiteful person, I fear that if I brought up the subject before moving out, that she'd completely thrash my stuff. If I moved just my own personal stuff and my stuff in the one room out while she was away, and I moved out, would that put me at any legal risk with the divorce process? I would not take the family computer or any furniture, anything. Just stuff that is mine and only I use. We could divide up the other stuff later.
Anyway, I'll save further questions for later and for the lawyer. These are my biggest concerns. My hope is to get this figured out and move out this summer when she's away on a trip and get papers served after she's back.
Any answers, tips, hints, etc. will be very much appreciated. Thanks.
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nance
Gold
Reged: 01/10/07
Posts: 122
Loc: San Francisco
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JB..I'm in a somewhat similar situation except I am the wife who has not worked for almost 28 years. As you know, CA is a community property state so things will be split 50/50, I mean the sale of the house proceeds, any monies you have in the bank, 401k, etc.
If you were to give her temporary spousal support they seem to calculate it such that you take 50% of your salary, minus 40% of her income, and that is what you may end up paying in temporary spousal support. Anything over a 10 year marriage is considered long term, so you could end up paying spousal support for 10+ years, but it depends on her age, her ability to work, etc. Temporary support is not what it may end up being though, and the amount probably will change. It's best if you can agree on something between the two of you, but if not, the judge will decide. I am hoping to avoid that.
I think you can get a lawyer any time you want and that will have nothing to do with the divorce at all. My husband and I both have them, I had one first, and they are there to mainly get through the spousal support issue for us. As far as personal property in the home, the lawyers and the judge do not want to get into that, so it would be best if you could work it out with your wife. If she won't be reasonable there are all sorts of ways to divide things up. My husband pretty much is letting me have what I want, and we had to compromise on other things, like he wanted an expensive painting that we both wanted, but I am taking the dining room set, and all the things in the buffet, and he will get the painting. It worked out fine for us. We are not going to fight over the "things".
He moved out of our bedroom and has his computers, etc, in one room in the house. I have my computers, etc. in another We are not going to fight over that stuff, it just isn't worth it.
As far as your kids go, well, the one who is over 18 she will get no support for, and the one who is almost 18, well, I don't know how that works as my kids are both out of the home and are 22 and 24. My STBX's relationship with our kids will not change, nor will mine. He pays for part of medical school for our daughter and he will continue to do so.
I suggest you do a bit of research on lawyers, interview 3 or 4 and see who best fits with your needs. I liked all 4 I interviewed, but ended up with one I thought would work best with me. My STBX hired the first, most expensive one, he could find.
I don't have time to touch on much more, but if you want to talk you can always send me a message here on this forum. I'd be happy to share what I have learned so far, but I have only been in this process for about 2 months now so I'm not that much farther along than you are.
Good luck!
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"When the seasons change the snowman melts"
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JBGood
New
Reged: 03/15/07
Posts: 2
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Nance, I want to thank you so much for your non-judgmental, open and helpful response to my post. Very Much Appreciated!!! :)
I posted the same message on a few other forums. One hasn't had a response yet and another one, I got ganged up on by a bunch of rabid women with obvious chips on their shoulders. There's nothing good about divorce and it's hard enough to consider after struggling for most of my marriage to make work only to realize that it's not working out only to have people you asked for help with slam you.
In any case, Love my kids and I could still Love my wife if she'd work with me, but it's just not happening, and hasn't for many years. I just feel that it's time to cut my losses and get on with my life. I've had counsel in the past from chaplains and even pastors that it is important to protect yourself financially and otherwise. And while it may look like I want to abandon her to someone that doesn't take the time to read and understand what my post, that's the last thing I want to do. I simply can't afford to start over if she does what I fear she'd do out of spite if I tell her before protect myself. I earn my living with the personal stuff I want to protect, if she destroyed it, I'd be in a world of hurt and not able to replace it quickly enough. It would cost me a lot of money in loss and in income. Divorce is hard enough on the finances as it is.
Well enough rambling, thanks again for your helpful post. I just hope future posts here will be as civil and useful as yours. THANK YOU! :)
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ronis108
Bronze
Reged: 12/13/07
Posts: 26
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50% his income minus 40% her income means if they make the same amount he still pays? Is there a sliding scale?
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allthumbs
Platinum
Reged: 07/12/07
Posts: 469
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As I understand it, in CA, where I live, it's a community property state and a no fault state. Means basically ALL assets acquired during the marriage are equally owned. Exceptions are gifts. This will include your businesses as well. Divorce attorneys LOVE to go after businesses, claiming their value to be much higher than they often are. This happened with me. Also, your retirement would be divided equally as well. In CA, there isn't any formula for permanent spousal support. There are guidelines the court is supposed to consider. They are CA. Family Code Section 4320-4325. There's no reason to think that more than 50% of your income would go toward spousal support. The court will determine her income and your income and attempt to equalize them according to Section 4320-4325. Selling the home, if you do not want to keep it, will be not so easy in the current economy. I chose to buy out my ex's equity and kept the home. This avoids the sale costs but you will be responsible for all the tax when you sell. A consultation with an att. will not be held against you by the court. By your ex, probably.
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