ginnyos
Bronze
Reged: 06/18/07
Posts: 31
Loc: Wyoming
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I didn't feel like I wanted to 'fix' my husband either. My dad was abusive, & when we got together he seemed like the furthest thing from my dad that I had ever seen. He also, doesn't do a lot of the abusive stuff like controlling where I go, the money, people I see, etc. He isn't insanely jealous. His problem is handling stress too. He works 14 hours a day, sometimes 7 days a week, at a very demanding job. He probably doesn't get near the sleep that he needs. After a couple of weeks, things seem to get to be too much & he blows, for no reason at all. Then we fight for 2 or 3 days, he smooths things over, & we go for another couple of weeks with things running smooth. But, I can't blame it all on that, because he was doing it before he went to work too. The good parts of him can be very good, but more & more I'm seeing the bad parts, & less of the good parts.
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ginnyos
Bronze
Reged: 06/18/07
Posts: 31
Loc: Wyoming
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He's got the best of both worlds. You staying home taking care of things & waiting for him, while he's out playing around.
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ginnyos
Bronze
Reged: 06/18/07
Posts: 31
Loc: Wyoming
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Sunshine, don't listen to him. I used to get a lot of negative stuff from a guy on another website's forum. I think he just was there because he enjoyed arguing with people, & thought women were man-bashers.
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ginnyos
Bronze
Reged: 06/18/07
Posts: 31
Loc: Wyoming
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jbar,does the J stand for Jerk? Get yourself educated on this subject.What you obviously don't know, is that a lot of these guys do this stuff for absolutely no reason at all. My husband would go into his abusive rages for 2 or 3 days. One time, it was because I had forgotten to find an address for him, another time it was because I got my sandals out of the closet too loud, Another time it was because the dog jumped up on me & I told her to get down, etc. Just because a guy is abusive, does not mean there's always a reason for it. Some of them just use their partner to take their anger out on.
Edited by ginnyos (06/21/07 08:10 PM)
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upsetandconfused
New
Reged: 06/25/07
Posts: 1
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i've been married for 3 and half years. Ever since the night after our wedding, my husband has fought with me over minor things such as not cleaning the house, not vaccuuming the car, the type of clothes i wear, etc. The second night after we got married, i cried myself to sleep thinkin what the hell did i get myself into. We've always argued and fought but eventually it lead to him swearing at me, callin me a [censored] and other words and also a push, slap, punch here and there. Ive told him he has no right to swear at me or hit me but he jsut doesnt care. He has threatened to divorce me but i used to get scared and beg for him to not say those kinds of things, but lately i've thrown that line at him as well, he doesnt say it much anymore but he does continue to tell me that he regrets ever marrying me and that he is only with me because of his parents. He gets mad at me over everything, especially cleaning and stuff like that. He hits me and he has a really bad temper. Hes always angry at the littlest things so he swears and hits me sometimes. he never hits me hard or anything to the point where i get bruises but he still hits me and i can just see the rage in his eyes. i don knw wat to do
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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Ginny, when you say that they do these things for no reason, you're not completely right. They do them for a reason, but it has nothing to do with anything their victim has done or could have changed. Frequently, they do it because someone else has done it to them, gotten them upset, maybe at work, maybe when they were growing up, and maybe just minutes ago at the office. They do it because this is how they watched men treat women in their households at home. They do it because they are frustrated with themselves and they can't assert themselves against anyone else, but it's a pretty safe bet that if they do it at home, they won't lose (this is true for men OR women abusers, by the way... the men won't lose because they're bigger, the women won't lose because the men they married have been brought up to not hit a woman)... and in some instances, they do it because they have some internal stress-regulator malfunction. They feel a level of stress that they can't seem to reduce by normal methods, so when it builds up to unreasonable levels, they explode all over the nearest victim, usually the spouse. THey'll feel better pretty quick after they see that they've unloaded their problems onto someone else (particualrly if the someone else is expressing their feelings for them by crying or yelling) and will be all apologetic & go through a honeymoon period as if the problems they were all angry about have magically gone away JUST because of the blowup.
But the problems, or the underlying reasons for the problems, have not been solved. No amount of promises to do better, never burn another meal or whatever, will solve the underlying problem... no changing on the part of the victim will change a thing, because the victim was not part fo the problem in the first place, despite the accusations of the abuser... and so the stress will simply return, start to accumulate, and because the abusive person has neither stopped the stress from coming, and has not learned how to deal with it, it continues to build until yet another blowup.
And the cycle continues. But to say there's NO reason is a little off... there IS a reason, it's just NOT the reason that was given as an excuse by the bully (abuser)
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dawn371
Bronze
Reged: 06/25/07
Posts: 29
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I understand your situation. I dont think any thing I could have been or done would have been good enough. You deserve better. I always use to pray that there was someone in this world who thought I was good enough. I was married very very young and came from a abusive home life before and when you keep feeling like you arent good enough , you start to believe it.I did decide to leave after 15 years and God did answer that prayer. I have been married now for 5 years and for the first time in my life , I know I am worthy of being treated with respect and no one will ever have the control over my self esteem again. Don't settle for living up to what someone else thinks you should be.
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MorningStar
New
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 4
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I have been trying to leave my husband for years. I now have a 12 year old son. My husband just gets angrier and angrier, everyday mad about something. I want to leave, but am so afraid I won't survive out in the world. Don't want to break up family for my son's sake, but I am so unhappy. Read somewhere that I am failing to take repsonsibility for my life. Friends say, "just tell him not to talk to you like that", or "tell him you won't accept his behavior any more" like it's so easy to just tell HIM. I just stay silent when he rages, and even my son tells me I should stand up to him, but I just can't. I am paralyzed with fear and self-doubt. I am 45 years old and afraid that my life will never change. But I just can't move in any direction out of fear.
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dawn371
Bronze
Reged: 06/25/07
Posts: 29
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Morningstar, you need to tell you husband how you feel and if hes not willing to change or admit it's wrong, then you need to decide what needs to be done for you to be happy again. You deserve to be happy,and you can make it in the world. Dont settle for you life being this way . It's too short.Alot of people think its best for the kids but I believe you being happy is whats best for your kids , not to mention the example he's setting for your son.
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MorningStar
New
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 4
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I think so too. I am so afraid, but if I can just say the words, then maybe I can take the next step too. Thanks. I will try.
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