Divorce Support Forums: am i over reacting?

Wow, Kathie - a lot of issues going on here. You've really bit off more than you probably bargained for, with this man. If you're going to make it as a couple, you may want to adjust your perspective on things. So yes, you are overreacting in a sense. I'm married to a man who had a very bitter divorce, and recognize some of the feelings/ events you describe.

1) No matter how much $$ he gave her when they split, she will never feel it was enough. Some people are born professional victims, and NEED to feel they got screwed by their divorce. Be a sounding board for your boyfriend, but don't let yourself get caught up in the drama of his past. I REALLY wish I had heard and heeded that advice when I started dating my husband!

2) The best thing you can do for him, his child, and most importantly your own sanity is to just stay out of it. Remember that his divorce was not about you - so don't try to make it about you. Don't contact her - it only stirs the pot.

3) Be kind to her child - show him by example who you are, to counter his mom's bad mouthing. (The kid will believe all her talk, true or not. It's just biology, so don't fight it.) Eventually (oh, say, in about 6 years) this emotional investment on your part will bear fruit. It is very natural for there to be some competitive feelings on BM's end, and a defensive attitude from the child. Just remember that he his a CHILD, and has a lot of complex adult stuff going on in his life right now. Make sure dad enforces that he respects you, but otherwise try to appreciate him as a child, and don't define him by the cruddy attitude he may give you from time to time.

4) Let your boyfriend make his peace with this woman how he needs to. He is not in love with her any more, but she is and always will be the mother of his child. As such, he has a personal stake in her well being. When he does something kind for her, he is really doing it for his son. Whenever he does somethign nice for her, eg the insurance deal, rather than take it as a slight the he didn't do it for you, instead think about what a great guy that can be so nice to his child's mother, after all she did to him, and how lucky you are to have him in your life. You HAVE to make yourself see it this way - if you don't you will go crazy. Believe me, this is the best thing for the kid - seeing his dad do nice stuff for his mom.

Good Luck - these situations are not easy

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