Divorce Support Forums: Is he an abuser or just a jerk?

Hello all. Looking forward to meeting all of you on the boards at some point.

I am hoping you can offer some insight to me as to whether I am living with an abuser or just a jackass. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 11. During this time he has grown increasingly micro-managerial and controlling.

When we first married, I was put in charge of a group at our church. We came home one night and he told me that something I had said at the meeting had made him “uncomfortable.” I apologized and kept it in mind. The next week, it was something else that I said that made him uncomfortable. Again, I apologized. And thus it began. Before long, there was not much that I could say that he didn’t have a problem with and need to correct. I put a stop to it for the moment by saying as we were coming home one night, “E.R. is on in 15 minutes, so please give me the rundown of everything I said that made you uncomfortable so I can go on.” That seemed like enough to do it.

In 1998 we moved to Kentucky so that I could begin working on my master’s degree. (I looked past the comment that my getting a teaching assistant was the ‘final nail in the coffin’ for his job, and numerous other comments.) Surprisingly, we got along very well during this period. He had plenty to do at his job and, I imagine, plenty of other people to monitor.

Then we moved in 2001 to Indiana so I could work on my doctorate, and it seemed like that’s when the marriage went south fast. In addition to the return of the millions of things I would do and say that made him uncomfortable, I was suffering from depression at the time and was having panic attacks, and the husband couldn’t understand why I didn’t just “get happy”. He wanted to know why exactly I had to be on Zoloft because it cost so much money. When I was too exhausted from being a full-time student and full-time house cleaner (because the husband wasn’t doing ANYTHING to help around the house) to have sex, he pouted and acted like I had personally injured him. During this time he also increasingly treated me as though anything that came out of my mouth was utterly suspect and not to be believed, professionally or personally. I literally felt like if I had been attacked by a drug-crazed rapist, he’d believe the drug-crazed rapist over me. We purchased our first home in ’02 and at this time he added little “talks” to me before company came over about what I should and shouldn’t say (I won’t even go into the number of time he’s put his own foot in his mouth and mortified me).

The final straw came this past spring, after I had been griped at non-stop about finishing my qualifying exams and the daily “reminders” to work on my dissertation, and the comment he had let slip that if I didn’t finish my dissertation and soon, he was outta there. I had a huge job interview at a small school in the upper Midwest, about 600 miles away from friends and family. He grilled me on interview questions, and when I asked him why he was doing this, he said, “I just don’t think you’ve prepared enough for this interview.” That night when I called to check in and say good-night, husband sounded like something was horribly wrong. Having a grandmother in bad health, naturally I expected the worst. He then told me that he had gotten on my e-mail accounts and read my e-mails. I had been hanging out on a PRIVATE, FEE-PAID web-board writing fan fiction (under a made-up username, of course), and he reacted to this like I had been trolling for internet sex and posting nudie shots on the net. He told me that he just wanted to make sure I got this job and the minute anyone looked me up on the internet they would find me out. I got home from the interview and changed all my passwords, needless to say!

I got the job, so we were both very happy, although the husband almost acted surprised. He apologized for snooping on my e-mail account. His justification was “It’s like ‘Law and Order’ – you can’t use the evidence if it has been improperly acquired.” (Evidence of what, exactly, is still a mystery to me.) He said he was happy because it was a chance for us to start over. During this time I was kicking a small drinking problem (binging but not constantly drinking), so I looked forward to this chance to get well. I think I drink because when I’m buzzed I don’t have to listen to him correcting and “helping,” as he calls it. At any rate, I was interested to see if the behavior would change.

We moved in June of this year. For the most part he has behaved himself, although he did tell me after I received my first paycheck that no, I may not buy a washer and dryer because I have bills to pay off. I produced a budget and he said he was impressed. I also told him I was taking over the heating/cooling bills because I am tired of sweating all summer and freezing all winter because “When you start paying the utility bills you can set the thermostat however you want.”

In general, I feel very resentful. I know people who really love each other forgive each other, but it’s very hard to do that when this kind of treatment is constant, and sometimes something will set him off and the next time it will be something else entirely. If he had thrown a punch or made a threat, I could act decisively because that’s pretty overt. But this seems to be low-level and constant, so that even when the behavior’s not there I have a hard time believing it won’t happen. I am pretty sure he’s not naturally like this because if he was he’d treat our friends and family this way, and he doesn’t. As a result, I also get a hefty dose of praise for him from my family and friends, whom he doesn’t treat this way. It’s as if he has enough sense to stop just short of sending me over the edge. Yes, he is kind and can be very loving, but I have no idea what I’m going to say that he will have to correct or critique. And it’s very hard to love someone who treats you like that.

I would greatly appreciate any and all comments anyone can provide. Sorry for being so long.

Edited by goddess1871 (10/03/07 04:04 PM)

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