Divorce Support Forums: Please read, I just need someone to talk to.

Hi welcome to the forum. Sorry you are at a point in your life that you needed to seek us out.

I don't usually reply to a lot of posts on here but yours did hit home with me to some degree so I wanted to give you my input. Take it for what it's worth but please don't take offense to what I say...

You talk about partnership and planning for the future. Because you have the education and higher earning capacity, the financial responsibility in this relationship will probably always be yours to the greater extent. You knew this when you met him and he no education, no assets and a pile of debt. At the time you were in love, had met your soul mate and so none of that really mattered. After all when we are sitting in the glow of a new and exciting relationship it seems like no obstacle is to great to overcome. Fast-forward to eight years later and his lack of ability to advance himself financially is now a source of discontent for you. It probably is for him as well because I can only imagine what it must feel like to be in your mid 30's and come to the realization that you are stuck in a financial dead end. Without the education he can only expect to ever reach certain degree of financial success. Without the financial resources he can never expect to further his education. That seems like a very unhappy place to be in life. But you are not in the same position...you have many options and I am sure that you have not even begun to meet your full earning potential yet. Your financial future looks bright and hopeful...BUT in the current situation...he is never going to be your equal in this arena. Can you accept this and be happy? There is no correct answer to this question, but you need to be honest with yourself and find the answer.

You say that he has been making some positive changes in helping with day-to-day responsibilities but that this is still not good enough for you? You need to ask yourself if perhaps this is all he is capable of doing and if he will ever realistically be able to meet your expectations. You seem to have a lot of resentment that it has taken so long for him to begin to realize that he needs to step up and take more responsibility in this relationship. Its good that the two of you have been able to talk about this and that you are able to be honest with each other about how you are both feeling. You say he stated that he had emotionally "checked out" a long time ago. He is now making more of an effort but this is still not enough. How are you emotionally? Have you "checked out" as well? If so then his efforts alone will never be enough to make this relationship work. Again...you need to take a long look at your own expectations and ask yourself if he will ever be able to meet them. You need to be honest with yourself and know what you are able to live with.

It sounds like maybe you are feeling like you have outgrown your husband and he is never going to be able to meet your standards and expectations. What does he need to do to regain your respect? Your almost non-existent sex life is due to your inability to feel attracted to him anymore. Do you ever worry that he may sense this and begin to look elsewhere for the respect and intimacy that is so lacking right now? All human beings have a need to feel desired and loved. If neither of you are getting that then the risk of infidelity becomes great despite any high moral standards you each may have. Can the two of you find a way back to each other? Can you look back to what made this relationship so special in the beginning and regain some of that. Can you ever be happy with just listening to music and staring in to each other’s eyes? If there anything left you the two of you to communicate to each other "without words" and do you still feel like this is your soul mate? Ask yourself all these questions and really search deep inside for an honest answer.

You got involved with a man who was going through a divorce and this makes you a rebound relationship for him. You gave him a safe place to land during a very difficult time in his life. Has he just stuck around because it is safe for him and it is easier than making it on his own? Can he ever make it on his own? If not then I can see why you would be losing respect for him after the excitement and newness of the relationship had worn off. Maybe this is also why he decided to check out emotionally as well. Is being a good dad who is involved and active enough to make you happy in this relationship? So far this was the only real positive thing you have said about this guy. Good father does not equal good husband (he may be a good man but not the right match as a life partner for you). Remember that kids grow up and move on but your spouse is the one you will have to spend the rest of your life with. Will this be good enough for you once the kids have moved on?

I do not say this as criticism of you in any way, but as others have already stated...if you are unhappy than this is your issue. It may sound like I am encouraging you to divorce this man and that could not be further from the truth. I am, however encouraging you to seek out counseling for yourself if you cannot honestly answer the questions I have presented to you. You need to be honest with yourself first and then the solution will become clear.

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Adversity doesn't build character, it allows us to display the character we already have.

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