Divorce Support Forums: Please read, I just need someone to talk to.

I'm glad you didn’t take offense by what I said because it was really meant with the best of intentions. You see...when I read your post the feelings you expressed were just like I was feeling after several years of marriage. Your situation is almost identical to what mine was (except it was a first marriage for both of us) and like you; I never thought my expectations were too high.

You said that you did expect him to grow as a person and for me that was the same expectation when I got married. We were young (age 21) when we married…in love and had the whole world at our feet. I knew that my education would always put me in the position of being the higher earning spouse, but I was ok with that because he was a hard worker and a good man. Like your spouse, my husband was not stupid…he just never had the desire to continue his education after high school. I began to lose respect for him when he made the choice to turn down opportunities to learn a better paying trade or to advance himself. It seemed almost like he was happy to remain stuck in a dead end job with no future or opportunity for growth. He also was irresponsible with his spending habits and constantly complained that we never had enough money.

By the time I was 30 I can clearly remember being alone with my husband and having nothing to talk about anymore unless it involved the kids. I had evolved in to a totally different person…more mature with goals and dreams. He was still the same guy I married who could be comfortable living paycheck to paycheck and never really getting ahead. I thought of the future while he only lived for the moment. He was also a good father…very involved with our kids and their athletic activities. He was the fun guy while I took always care of business…for that I resented him deeply.

I have always been very independent and knew that I could do fine (probably better) financially without him, but I also had a deep need to be in a relationship due to my own emotional insecurity. No matter how empty the marriage had become I still held fast my sense of identity as his wife. He did cheat on me several times and I stayed in the relationship for a long time due to my own insecurity. This was my issue…I never forced the issue of counseling and this was my mistake. Instead I just grew more and more resentful of him and checked out emotionally but never had the guts to end the relationship. I think that I still loved him on some level, but there was no trust or respect left in our marriage for a long time due to the infidelity.

Finally after 15 years and several affairs (his affairs), both emotional and physical, I gave him an ultimatum. He left because that was the easier thing to do. I do not know if we could have ever saved our marriage with counseling and hard work because he had also checked out and by then was as miserable as me. I will also add…in fairness…that I was so angry and had no respect left for him which made me a real [censored] to live with. By the time we separated I truly hated him and a lot of angry and hurtful things took place between us. To think we started out so young and in love...it still makes me sad to see that we both allowed the relationship to die and never really fought to save it.

Now three years later I am a totally different place in life. I have a renewed sense of self-worth. I know now that I am intelligent, interesting and beautiful single woman. I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves me completely and will not betray me. Now I can look back and be thankful that he walked away from the empty marriage that I may have never had the guts to leave. Although he went about it the wrong way and took the path of a coward, the end result has been the best thing that ever could have happened to me.

I am telling you my story so you can see that often things have a way of working themselves out in the end. I never thought I would be divorced but now I can see what I would be missing out on if I was still married, so for me it has been a happy ending. I wish you peace of mind and wisdom as you sort out your own marriage. And most of all I wish you happiness for the future.

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Adversity doesn't build character, it allows us to display the character we already have.

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