Divorce Support Forums: step mother labeled as evil by mother

What kind of mother would do this to her kids? Well, either one who is legitimately sick, psychiatrically. OR one who has watched movies, heard others in how they handled divorces, got advice from friends on how to assure that they get thier fair share in the divorce.

SO MANY of them do not realize how much they're hurting thier kids, and do a few alienating things just because they're angry at the Dad & not getting it that the kids are in the crossfire here. It's weird to read the literature & see that someone is doing EVERY one of the things mentioned like they did it on purpose, but I think part of the problem is that, especially for the sick ones, this kind of attempt to gain favorite status with the kids is second nature & there are some very easy ways to assure that when a divorce is taking place.

Heck, I was watching a movie the other day & the divorced mother was dressing her kid for a visit with Dad, talking to him about what she wanted him to say to his Dad about how the child support check was missing & she couldn't feed herself or the kid without it... It was as ordinary a conversation as if she'd had it with an adult, and the kid just stood there, having his mama button up his jacket, taking it all in. It's not like this mother wanted the kid to hate the father, but she was treating the kid like a messenger in his own life drama... NOT right to do to a kid, because the message being sent is not something the kid should hear. In the movie, we never heard whether there was an explanation for why the support check was late, whether it was a glitch at teh clearinghouse or whatever, we didn't hear ... and supposedly neither did the kid.

It was an older movie, I forget which one, but I recall not even blinking an eye when I saw the scene the first time I saw the movie, and no one ever mentioned it. Now that I KNOW about PAS, I can see it happening when they show stuff like this on TV or in the movies, but most people don't have a clue... it's just part of that trauma we call "divorce", and no one bats an eye when the kid is witness to this part... heck, this part doesn't even look too dramatic, just like an ordinary conversation with the kid about budgets & such... it's not played like the wrong thing to do... I mean, what ELSE is the mother to do when the support check hasnt' arrived?

No where is it discussed that she's about to spend the week alone & apparently does not work to support herself. No where is it discussed that she COULD have sent the man a note or talked to him about the support check rather than talking to the kid about it. The kid never does mention it to his Dad... and we can see why. It is clear from the circumstances of the visit that Dad is impoverished & can't afford to write a new check out right now. The family is overall, poor, and neither parent can support it. Mom blames it on Dad & stands in the kitchen, buttoning up the kid's jacket. Dad tries to deal with it, not blaming it on anyone. But no one watching would think that what Mom had done was wrong... except someone who has read up on PAS.

Rather than say "PAS" in court & expect the court to agree, the way to go about it seems to be to describe the individual things she has done adn explain how that stuff is likely to estrange the kid from the father. THe language used in the PAS literature is helpful because it helps direct your thinking on the issue, but you're right, it's tough to get the judges to acknowledge it as a bad thing. In my husband's case, the therapists & the judges actually said his ex was doing these things and that it was bad & they wanted her in therapy for it... but luckily the things she did, did NOT result in the kids rejecting their father, so the therapist diagnosing THEM said, "no PAS"... great, for THEM. It hasn't stopped the mother from trying... which is why she is ordered into intensive psychotherapy as a result of the custody battle.

BUT even though we have therapists AND judges saying that she TRIES to create PAS... these same therapists & judges have been unable to change anything as a result of it. Part of that is that the kids are teens & the system is not going to change custody if the kids don't WANT to change (and PAS has acted to make them want to stay with her, of course)... so we're stuck.

I keep holding onto Golightly's wisdom, that the kids DO come around, even if it takes a LOOOOONG time.

I'm so impatient sometimes, it's hard!

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