Divorce Support Forums: A question for stepparents

I'm trying to understand the tattoo thing. Though I wouldn't want to do that to my body, I realize that it's quite the fad now, and someone might want to memorialize their commitment to each other with a tattoo. But since it's clear that you've been committed to being a stepmother ever since that child was 3 days old, why are you wanting to honor your bio child and not your step with a tattoo? it would seem to me that a tattoo with both sisters' names on it would be in order. I mean, I kno wyou did not have part in naming the step, but that does not mean she doesn't deserve that permanent commitment in your heart and on your body.

On the times she has with her mother that end up with her "getting" more than your child does, the trick is to make your bio child's time with you special... when the step leaves, the fun is not OVER... the fun BEGINS. Maybe Christmas presents are opened when the step is there, so that part is over, but what says you can't have a special time with your bio daughter at that point... bake cookies or make a special dinner together... go volunteer or go out skating... take in a movie or go to the zoo... whatever would make THAT part of christmas special to your child now that the step is gone & having fun with her mother!

If the only special times in your family are times when the step kid is present, and the whole family gears down hwen the setp leaves, then I would certainly understant that the bio kid is getting the shaft... but since both her parents are under teh same roof, you don't have to do extra to make up for the fact that her parents are split.

Some of the differences in STUFF THEY GET will be age-appropriate. If your bio kid got an Xbox from you & the step got an iPod video from you & a Wii from her mother, and the kids were the same ages, tehn yep, teh bio kid would natrually feel gypped. One of the advantages taht kids of divorce get (and take advantage of) is taht their parents try to buy thier affections, and if money is no object, it will just escalate over time. Bio kids don't and shouldn't get that... but obviously, if you knew that the other kid was getting a Wii at Mom's house, it might be nice to figure out how to give iPods to both kids at your house as individual gifts and just get a wii for the bunch of you as a group gift (yep, it's more expensive, but if you want to make things equal, you've got to spend more, as if you were separated and both parents were bribing the bio kid as well as both step's parents seem to be bribing her). But in your case, the age difference will make it easier. If you put as much in her college account now, recognize taht your bio chid has longer till she GETS to college, so that $500 in it now for her will be a whole lot more when she gets there than teh $500 now will mean to the stepkid when SHE goes to school, much sooner.

And also recognize that when the step kid graduates & child support is no longer an issue, you'll have all that extra left to lavish on your bio kid, at a time when she'll be old enough to really appreciate the extra money spent on her. Not that you'll need to... you'll probably need to start putting away for retirement, but at that point there will be no ability to point at the other and say that you're spending more on the older one, since the older one will be OUT.

you might want to have a talk with your husband about what the expetations will be once the kids are out of high school, how much you will pay for each one's college (in today's dollars) and weddings & such, and whether or not your'e going to be taking the kids in after their high school, providing ongoing costs of living for htier lifestyles even if they don't get going... are you goign to kick them out of the nest or are you going to be the type of parents who take them back in & let them become dependent as adults? And how much will you give for those other things... weddings, college, house down payments (if you want to go there), etc?

But otherwise, and other than the tattoo thing, I'd certainly relax about this, not feel guilty about having fun with your bio kid when teh step is with her mother, and even plan special fun times to have with the bio kid so that those times are as special as the times the step is having with her mother.

But for sure, your 3 year old will not know or care whether or not you spent dollar for dollar, as much on her barbie or bicycle as you spent on the older one's iPod or cellphone plan.

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