Divorce Support Forums: step mother labeled as evil by mother

Your opinion makes a difference. I see the older SS being clearly greedy and resentful and all the things that deserve saying that at this point, it's his decision to be wrong-minded and his mother's encouragement of that attitude is simply ridiculous but at this point, if he were smart he'd have figured it out and stopped trying ot use Dad as a very high priced ATM (he's beyond wanting $$ for iPods & video games... he's gone on to demanding we pay part of his $40K a year college or his summer vacation with friends in Europe, and if we dont' give into the blackmail, he won't love his father any more...)...

but the little ones, I can't blame them for following their mother's demands on hwat to do. She is thier primary residential parent and she bribes them. They get a car if they dont' visit their father. THey get inforamtion from her about how their Father won't support their activities. She uses the support money to take them on lavish vacations and then makes claims that it's all "air miles" that's paying for the vacations... but thier Father hasn't paid enough support to even provide them with socks. She shows up at our house with a new $35,000 car (old one was just 2 years old & probably still upside down on it's loan) and on the same day sends a message that instead of using the support for paying for the kids' activities that she should have, their activities fees are all in arrears and if we dont' pay within 24 hours the kids will be kicked out of their activities, and the threat that she will make certain they know that if they don't get to do their activities that it's all their Dad's fault.

It's crazy. But I can't blame the kids for this. It's clearly the mother who is doing it.

Now, if they get to adulthood, spend 2 years away from the mother like the older one has done, and STILL act resentful ... well, I'll probably be less likely to be so forgiving for thier behavior. In the meantime, when they try to duck out of time with thier Dad because their Mom has said the party of the century which is taking place at thier neighborhood this weekend is more important than their time with their Dad... well... that's kind of the job of a kid, isn't it, to find a way to get thier parents to give them more, more freedom, more stuff... more. And if Mother gives it to them and Dad does not, well, that's a bribe and they are an age where they really ARE susceptible to that kind of bribery.

Creating a contest for most favorite parent is not good for them, and we don't have to participate in the contest (which is what I'm taking from your advice, really, is to not compete in this contest she's created)... but we can't pretend the contest isn't being held.

When we read the literature on PAS and it looks like the woman has taken the "what not to do" and used it as her model of what TO do... well, it's hard not to recognize that this was created by her and continues to be directed by her. My husband waged the custody battle and won as much time as he could get without taking the kids otu of thier schools or activities, but this still leaves her as the primary parent... the one who puts food on the table (brings it home from the fast food joint) every night, and so we can't really put much of the blame on them.

I'm going to give them a few years away from her daily influence and purse strings before I let myself feel angry at them for not figuring it out and still being rude or greedy.

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